3:10 a.m. No Pepperoni tonight

No dogs to wake me up. I guess it's just habit still that got me up at this time. Moped would have been scratching at his kennel wanting to go out because he'd drank a whole bowl of water before bedtime. But he wasn't.

No dogs to keep me up. Usually I'd be waiting for the little buzzards to be coming in from peeing and then letting them stay out for a bit to stretch some from being in their kennels. No seeing Moped stretch his back legs completely straight behind him while doing the same with the front legs. It looked lilke the longest, most stretchies stretch on the planet. And he loved doing it. But no stretches tonight.

And no getting my fingers smelly with pepperoni used to lure them back into their kennels. No fuss about going in the kennels tonight. I wonder if they are sleeping right now. Or I wonder if they are up, waiting for me to come and let them out so they can go pee and get some attention. The first night away is the hardest. But I'm not there to comfort them.

No listening to Moped slurp up a whole bowl of water, drinking like he's been denied water for days. What a goof. And no need to worry about him getting me up again in just a few hours so he can pee all that water out. But I'd give anything to hear that slurping sound.

It's too quiet in here - no whining, no vocalizing, no scratching , no Wookie sounds. The quiet is deafening. What I wouldn't give to here Moped make his Wookie sounds right now. But there are no Wookie sounds to be heard. Only the memories in my mind.

There is just quiet and emptiness. There is something missing. There's something wrong with this picture. The universe is just not in balance yet.

How did they do their first night in their kennels surrounded by so many other dogs? Was that comforting to them to not be alone or was it me they looked for in the dark night?

Okay, I've been self indugent enough here. I need to be positive and think of the good things. They are around other dogs. They've figured out that they are staying the night and are making the best of it. They're not waking me up or keeping me up. That's all my own deal. And soon their bright, sunny faces will be posted on the internet for all to see. People will be fighting over who can adopt them. And tomorrow they get to play in the yard with other dogs and be out all day. That'll be an adjustment for them at first, but they'll grow to love their new found freedom.

It always comes back to this for me though: Skooter's sweet face. Right about now I'd be asking him to go back in his kennel and he'd either jump up on the couch or sit and ignore me. Silly dog. And then with a pepperoni lure he would finally go in his kennel. But there is no jumping up, no ignoring me and no pepperoni tonight. And no sweet face with eyes that make you want to fall into them.

I'll have to adjust to my new found freedom too. A lot of responsibility and burden has been lifted off my shoulders by surrendering them to the Rescue. I just can't enjoy it quite yet though. I'm still grieving their loss.

Loss. It's been an amazing year of loss. The kids and grandkids moved out on us and went back to Wisconsin after living with us for a year. We are losing the house up in Woodland Park. It'll be closing any day now - that, or going into forclosure. We've lost our mountain way of life - dragging in fire wood to heat the house with wood burning stoves. Acres for Skooter to run around and get some of that bird dog energy out. And now we've lost the dogs. What a devastating year it's been. And I don't think I've taken time to grieve any of my losses. I just moved on to the next thing that needed tending. The dogs, in a way, have been a way for me to avoid how I feel. I focus on them so much that I don't have time for me. But now there is time for me.

There is time to clean the house; to cook; to spend time with David without having to get up every fifteen minutes to let them out of their kennels; and there is time for sleep. There is time for relaxing and for meditating and just plain thinking. Just not right now though. I miss them too much to go back to sleep like nothing is wrong. I'm not sure how long it will take me to enjoy the freedom of an uninterrupted night's sleep. Hopefully not too long.

I miss my dogs. I miss their kisses. I miss them rubbing up against me. I miss their unconditional love for me. I will never stop missing them!