Happy New Year!!

2010 is coming to a close and 2011 is just hours away. The best thing that happened this year, dog-wise, was seeing Watson (Harley) at the Chapel Hills Mall. It was so nice to see him happy and obedient. He's a great demonstration dog for Sit Means Sit. Everyone loves him. He's so friendly with all the people who stop by to see the demonstrations.

The big question for me always is will there be a dog in my future. I do want one again some day if I can find the right dog but I'm in no hurry to cross that bridge. I know the right dog will find me one day. Until then I'll just remember the dogs I've had and be thankful that they were a part of my life. They all added something positive to my life (and something negative but now is not the time for that). I have special memories of all of them - Skooter, Moped, Huxley, Blitz and Harley (Watson). I love looking at pictures and videos of them all playing and enjoying their time with us.

My wish for 2011 is that all the animals out there who do not have home or the love they need would find the place where they belong, where they will be loved and treasured. There are so many homeless animals out there. Consider volunteering at an animal shelter or rescue or donate to one. They can always use the money. Check too to see if they need supplies that you might have on hand. Anything to help out those poor animals. If you are in a position to adopt an animal please make sure you've thought it out. I'm guilty of adopting without putting enough thought into it and it was horrible when I had to give them up. I know they all are in great homes and loved so I don't feel bad about that, just that I didn't make the best choice in adopting them.

Anyway it's going to be a great 2011 whatever comes my way and I wish you all a safe, happy and prosperous New Year!

Sit Means Sit demonstration

Harley (Watson) was at the mall today and we got to hug him and watch him do tricks and get loved on by everyone who walked by. He looks the same just a bit bigger. He's very leggy. I couldn't believe that I was patting him and letting him lick my face. It was wonderful. He can do all kinds of tricks including bowing down. He's so cute when he does that. I can't thank Cindy and Clay at Sit Means Sit enough for letting us visit with Harley (Watson). If you ever need dog training please go to Sit Means Sit dog training. They are amazing. 

Watson at Chapel Hills Mall

I got an email from Cindy that Watson will be doing demonstrations at the Chapel Hills Mall through New Years. He may be there this Saturday. I would love to see him. I'm waiting for Cindy to get back to me about the time and place. I'm so excited to think that I might get to see Watson again. Woohoo! I'll definitely be taking pictures and video and I'll post them here for your enjoyment.

Harley (now called Watson)

I sent an email to Cindi a couple of weeks ago asking how Harley is doing. She said that Harley, now called Watson, is doing great. He's still with Sit Means Sit. He's a demonstration dog for them. He went to Las Vegas again in September. He's also doing dock diving. He loves to swim. I was so glad to hear that he is having such a wonderful life. I miss him but I know I did the right thing letting him go. Have a wonderful life, Watson!

Happy 1st Birthday Harley!

Today Harley is 1 year old. I sent an email to Cindy wishing him a happy birthday and asking how he is doing. I'm glad that she was able to take him but sometimes I miss him. Today is one of those days.

Wondering about Harley

I wonder how Harley is doing with his training in Las Vegas. I'm sure he is doing well and having a good time. He needs to be busy all the time and I just couldn't do that for him. David said he is missing Harley more than usual today. Me too for some reason. Every time I see his picture I get a pang of sadness. I think I've decided to not go to school this summer because I'd have to get a student loan to attend and I just can't bring myself to go into debt for anything. Should I have kept Harley? Probably not. It wasn't just time I wasn't giving him. I also wasn't giving him the opportunities that he needed (walking, playing, etc.). I do miss having a dog though. I was looking at the RMGSP Rescue site yesterday. JUST looking! Honest. GSP's have too much energy for me. I just wanted to look to squelch the "I need a dog" feeling. It worked. Looking at the GSP's reminded me of how much work it is to have a dog. I've never liked cleaning the back yard and I sure don't miss doing it now that I don't have a dog. I'm just not the right person to own a dog. At least not now.

Harley is in Las Vegas

I got an email back from Cindy. Harley is in Las Vegas and will be there another 2 1/2 weeks. He's doing well. She said he is a very happy boy. I'm glad to hear that he is doing so well. She said that if she gets any video, she will forward it on to me. I miss having a dog but not enough to want another one right now.

Still missing them

Skooter turned 4 on May 1st. Hard to believe. Moped is 3. Huxley and Blitz are almost 10 and Harley is 11 months tomorrow. I know that they all are doing great in their new homes. Makes me sad that I couldn't give them what they needed to make it work.

I've been thinking a lot about all of my dogs the last couple of days. David went inpatient from the ER on Friday night. If I had a dog or dogs it would have been even more hectic than it was. He had to have his gallbladder removed on Sunday. He was home on Monday. I'm glad I didn't have to do double duty as wife and dog owner. But it also was kind of sad to come home to an empty house all those nights.

I sent another email to Cindy asking about Harley. I feel bad that I can't seem to let go of him and the rest of them. I don't think I'll ever be happy with or without a dog. When I have a dog I feel overwhelmed. When I don't have a dog I feel so empty and sad in that doggy place in my heart. A dog is not in my immediate future though because school starts in 27 days. I don't feel ready for it today but after this weekend I don't feel ready for anything.

If I had just hung in there with Skooter and Moped I probably would have 2 great dogs right now but I just couldn't get past the stress. I have to say that my experience with Harley was the worst of all of them but I still miss him a lot. As always, I know I've done the right thing for my life at this point. It doesn't make it any less sad or easy to deal with.

I guess I just plain miss my dogs. *tears*

I finally did it

I gathered up all of Harley's stuff (toys, supplies, books, etc.) and put it on craigslist. I have people interested in most of the stuff. Now if I can just get them to schedule a time to come by I'll be in the money. It's sad selling off the final stuff but I know I need to do it. The problem is that I keep finding stuff that I missed when I was posting on craigslist. No big deal though. I'll just modify the ads or figure out something else to do with the stuff (like the pooper scooper bags, I'll give those to Lisa and the 101 Tricks book and the puppy magazine, I'll add those to the book ad). It's so bittersweet selling off the last of Harley's things. I'm glad that he's doing well though. I didn't send an email to Cindy this weekend asking how Harley is. I'll probably send one this week though.

I know that when we get pictures, that Harley will look happy. He's finally getting all the attention and training that he needs. That's critical to him being happy and well adjusted. I've been feeling kind of irresponsible for all of the money I had spent on Harley during the last 2 months. I was willing to spend the money but not be committed to working with Harley. That's water under the bridge though. I have to move on. It would be nice to get rid of all of the stuff still sitting around the house.

Yesterday I went and worked with my computer client again. If Harley would have been here I know I would have hesitated about going but I didn't have to take him into consideration. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. There is a lot of freedom in that.

That's all I can post tonight. I need to get back to bed.

Doing the right thing

It's such a bittersweet feeling knowing that Harley is doing well. David said that maybe if we had gone with Cindy's training that we could have kept Harley. That made me feel sad. I felt like even if Harley had been well behaved that it wouldn't have worked out but maybe I was wrong. I'm happy for Harley. I'm glad that he's playing with other dogs and getting to run around a lot. And it really is cool that he may become a demonstration dog. I just wonder if all these things that I'm getting to do now is worth giving Harley up. Yeah, it's great that I can take 4 classes this summer and that I could be out all day Monday to celebrate my birthday, but really does it mean more than having Harley? I don't know.

I guess that I'll have to make the most of my life to make giving Harley up worth all the pain. I am walking with Kitty 3x/week and I have signed up for summer classes so I'm moving forward. It just seems a little empty without a dog. I'm not only missing Harley but Huxley and Blitz too. I know I'll get another dog one day but not for a long time. Once I know that I have time for a dog and won't mind putting in a lot of effort then a dog can be a possibility but until then, I don't need to give away any more dogs. It just hurts too much.

Maybe one day I will be able to see Harley do a demonstration. I'd love to see him doing well. All I think about when I think of him is the biting. I'd like to have a more positive picture in my mind of Harley. I love him and I miss him but I know I've done the right thing. Doing the right thing often isn't easy but it has to be done anyway. It doesn't make it suck any less.

Harley is doing well

I sent Cindy an email asking about Harley. This is her response:

"Harley is doing well.  No more mouthing past the first day, gets along great with other dogs, he runs with dogs at our facility every day and loves it.  We don't have any pictures yet but will send some when we do. Harley is going to accompany one of our trainers to the Sit Means Sit School in Las Vegas and learn to be a demonstration dog, he is showing a lot of potential. We will keep you posted"

I'm glad to hear that he is doing so well. He needs the kind of life that he has right now. I'm so proud of him becoming a demonstration dog. He'll love all the attention and love he gets for being a good boy. Harley will get to visit Las Vegas before I do. LOL Lucky dog! I'm so glad that Cindy doesn't mind keeping me posted on how Harley is doing. It makes all of this so much easier. He never would have been a good dog with me. I didn't give him what he needed. Cindy is definitely making sure he gets what will make him a well adjusted dog. I'm so grateful to her. I feel a little bit sad knowing that Harley could actually get past the bad behavior and that maybe I gave up on him too soon. It's never easy for me to give up a dog. I don't ever want to give up another one though. It hurts too much.

I miss them all

I woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking about Harley. I didn't have any interaction with him during the night because he was such a good boy and didn't get up then but I miss him being down the hallway. Logically I understand that I am better off without Harley and that Harley is better off without me but emotionally I still miss him and think about him often. I'm going to send Cindy an email to ask how he is doing. Everyone once in a while I think about paying Cindy $1,000 (don't ask where I come up with that amount, I don't know) to get a well-adjusted Harley back. It's just a fantasy but I do think about it anyway. Not that I really want him back. I'm happy with things the way they are now. But there is often no sanity when missing someone.

I'm also missing Huxley and Blitz. If I had known then what I know now, I would still have them. They really are great dogs. I love watching the videos I have of them playing. They really were good girls. But I had issues with them too - cleaning up the yard was a yucky job, Blitz would wake me up every night by whining, they got into the kitchen trash can, etc. They were always happy to see me when I got home though. I loved my German Shorthaired Pointers. I feel so melancholy when I think of them. In the moment it seemed like the right thing to do, giving them up, but in hindsight it was a mistake.At least I know that they are taken care of very well. I wonder sometimes if either of them passed away, would I be told. Probably not, since they are not my dogs anymore. I wish that walking them and cleaning up after them wasn't such a chore to me. But that's why I gave them up - because they were more work than I wanted to do. it doesn't stop me from missing them though.


David was talking about Skooter and Moped last night, how he still misses them. I agreed. I still miss them too. I think back and realize what a great dog Skooter was. If I had only worked harder with Moped or given up just Moped and kept Skooter. I know that Skooter is a great dog. I'm sure his new family treasures him.

Sometimes I wonder if what I do with the dogs (always ending up giving them away) is some kind of commitment issue. I love them all dearly but I can't seem to make the 100% commitment that is needed when owning a dog. Why do I feel compelled to get dog after dog knowing that I'll just end up giving it away? I think sometimes that it is a sickness I have. I keep doing the exact same thing over and over again expecting a different result each time. I would have to know going into owning another dog that cleaning up the yard and walking the dog wouldn't be an issue. That both things would get done every day without it being a hassle. That's not the way it has worked out though. Five dogs in five years. Not a good record.

I cried for weeks after Huxley Buxley and Bllitzy Witzy were given up by me. I cried for one day with Harley's departure. I guess maybe I'm getting used to giving up my dogs. That's sad. I know I'll have a dog again one day but not during this season of my life. I need time right now to be able to study and work on me with Marianne. The dogs will always play a role in my life but not interfere with me living my life the way I choose to. School probably would have been possible with Huxley and Blitz though. They were good girls. But that wouldn't have helped when it came time to have to clean the yard up or walk them. I'm just not the right person for a dog. At least not at this stage of my life. Maybe one day though I can get a dog that has already been trained and walks well on a leash. I know it's just a dream, but I'll keep on dreaming it.

I guess that I need to move on from all of this. It's so hard to though because they all were good dogs. They had their issues but they were wonderful companions. I just didn't put the time into them that they  needed. That's why I don't have any dogs right now, just memories. What I wouldn't give to have Huxley and Blitz sleeping in bed with me again. Oh well. What's done is done.

A little sadness

I'm having a moment where I'm missing Harley. No particular reason why, just thinking of him. I know I'll have moments like this, probably forever, and that's okay. I don't mind missing him. I'd rather miss him than be angry at him for biting me. I'm sure he is doing well with Cindy. He really is a good boy, just too much energy for me. Kitty brought her dog Sammy on our walk this morning. I thought it would make me miss Harley but all I could think of is that he would have been a handful to try and walk up on the Mesa. Maybe it's contributing to this out of the blue sad feeling about Harley. It's not an overwhelming sadness just a pang of it. I am glad that I can do what I want each day. I'm able to go to school without worrying about not paying enough attention to Harley. Getting him a new home was the best thing for both of us.

Life without Harley

It's weird being without Harley. I think about him all the time but I don't miss the bad things about having him (biting, cleaning the yard, having to watch how long I'm out, etc.). I never realized just how ingrained he was in my every day life. There's not much that I can do that doesn't make me think of him. I am glad to know that he is doing okay. I'll probably check up on him again soon. David wanted to drive by where he might be living but I just couldn't do that. It would be too difficult. I don't want to cry over Harley anymore. I'm out walking again and enjoying my time outside and inside the house. It's sad but it's relieving to know that I don't have to consider Harley every waking moment. I do miss the cuddly little guy though. He wasn't a bad dog, just misguided in his "love" for me. I can't dislike him for loving me so much. But the biting really was something that I couldn't put up with anymore. I've also registered for classes for this summer because I know I'll be able to put my full attention into school without Harley here. Sometimes I think that I'm just telling myself these things so I won't miss him as much. Maybe I am but whatever it takes to get through this I'll do. I miss Harley.

email from Cindy

Cindy replied to my email:

"Harley is doing very well. We are working on teaching him self control. He loves to play with toys and is having a great time playing with the other dogs. He went to group classes today and did pretty well for his first time. Feel free to email or call any time."

I am glad to know that Harley is doing well. I know that self control is a major issue for Harley. That's why he was always biting me. I know that he loves his toys. It's good to see that Harley is getting along with the other dogs. Group classes will be great for Harley's socialization. I'm so thankful that Cindy is allowing me to keep tabs on Harley. I know that Harley will end up with the right person, whether it's Cindy or someone else.

I still have a lot of dog stuff that I need to put on craigslist. There are all of his toys and all of the stuff up in the kitchen cabinet. I hope I can at least make a few bucks on the stuff I have. Two of the leashes I bought were pricey and I'm hoping to get close to what I paid for them. I guess maybe I should list those on eBay.

Anyway it's good to know that Harley is doing well. I feel much better knowing that.

Wondering how Harley is doing

I sent an email to Cindy today asking how Harley is doing. David wants to know so I finally asked. I haven't heard back from her yet. While I was out today I saw more labs than I've ever seen before. There were tons of them. Oh well.

It's going to be okay

David just called to tell me that he isn't mad at me for giving up Harley. He must have been reading the Dog Blog. I'm glad that he's not mad at me. He said he's been quiet because he really misses Harley, that he loves Harley and this was harder than losing Skooter and Moped. I don't really know what to say. I feel bad too. It will take time but we'll both move on from this. David really wants to know how Harley is doing. I wonder how he is doing too. I just don't know that I want to contact Cindy to find out. I feel like I need to leave this alone, to let it be. Hanging on to it will only make it worse. I need to let go completely.

Anyway, it is still quiet and lonely in the house. It will take a while before it becomes my place again. I'm not thinking of Harley every single moment though and that's a good thing. The dogs out back are barking. Sometimes I wonder if they are calling Harley or missing him. Probably not. It's me that is missing him. I'm determined though to not let this ruin my day or the days to come. I love him, I miss him but I'm moving on with my life. He's in a good place and I'm sure he's getting lots of attention. Both Harley and I win in this situation. It's going to be okay.

Harley, Harley

Today was definitely a better day. I went walking with Kitty this morning. Of course, there were a lot of dogs up there, including labs, but I did okay. I did talk about Harley but it didn't make me sad. I came home and slept for a bit after our walk. It really tired me out. Then I went to see Marianne. We talked about me giving up Harley. I thought I would cry while I was in there but I didn't. I think I was too excited about making a reservation for a helicopter ride on my birthday to feel bad. When I got home I made my reservation for the flight and took in a package from my sister. She sent me a big box with presents. I'm excited to open it on Monday. So, my day was so full that I didn't have a lot of time to think about Harley. It wasn't until David got home that I started to feel bad. He's still not saying much to me. He just asked what I was doing and when I told him I was writing in the Dog Blog he shook his head and said "Why? We don't have a dog.". I think he's mad at me. He's going to have to get over it though because I did what was best for me. It has been nice to not have to worry about Harley every waking moment. I miss Harley but I don't miss how I felt with Harley. The stress level was just so high when he was here. I was always afraid he would start biting me. I haven't been bitten for 3 days now. I think that's a record.

I was wondering again about Harley though. I hope he is doing okay and is making progress. He really does deserve to be with someone who is not averse to training him. It seemed like a lot of work to me and I think that's a big part of why it didn't work for me and Harley. I do wonder where he is sleeping at night and if he does miss me. A part of me, a very small part, still wants to go get him and take him back but there is more of me that is okay with him being gone. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering about him. I still think about Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz and it's been a long time since I gave them up. I'll always miss my dogs.

David has gone to bed without saying anything to me. I know he is upset about Harley being gone. I'm upset about it too but I've got to move on. I can't stay stuck in grieving for Harley or the rest of them. They are all doing fine and I need to be okay too. I took Harley to the doggy daycare a while back when he was really frustrating me. Maybe he thinks he's at doggy day care again and that I'll come back and pick him up. Nah. He's a dog. He doesn't think that way. I hope that when I die that all the pets I've had in my lifetime will be in Heaven with me. That's what would make it Heaven.

So, it was an okay day. I'm still feeling sad and a bit lonely but I know I can get through this. I've done it before. That was one of the ways I knew that I was ready to give up Harley - it was more bearable to go through this than to have Harley biting me. And this is very painful. So I knew that I was ready to give him up. It was still difficult but it was necessary.

Now I can take my Huxley and Blitz stuffed animals out of the closet again. Harley was going after them and I didn't want him to ruin them. I think maybe I'll get a stuffed lab too. That way I can always have Harley here with me in spirit. He honestly is a good dog. He is loving and could be gentle. He just chose not to be gentle with me. But I still love him.

Difficult night

It hasn't been a good night. David and I haven't spoken a word for hours. I think we're both having a very difficult time with Harley being gone. Everything reminds of Harley. It seems like every commercial has a dog in it. There was even a dog doing a high five like we did with Harley. This is so hard.

Finally David said something. It wasn't about Harley though. It was about American Idol. I know he's hurting just as much as I am. It's probably hard for him to have to tell his friends that I got rid of yet another dog. They must think I'm mentally ill. Oh yeah, I am. LOL Seriously though, yesterday wasn't near as hard as today has been. Yesterday I felt more relief. But today there have just been too many reminders of Harley. Every time the dogs behind us are out I get teary eyed. When I come out of the bathroom I expect him to be there waiting for me. But he's not. I gave him up.

It doesn't feel like the right decision in this moment. I can't stop crying. I'm not sobbing just crying. I hate this part of giving up a dog. At some point it always feels like I did the wrong thing even though I know that I didn't.

David just went to bed. He told me he's having a hard time tonight. I knew he was. The house is just too quiet and too lonely. And the dogs out back are barking. I really can't believe that I did this to us again. I'm glad I have an appointment with Marianne tomorrow. I need to work through all this. I know it will be okay but it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Why have I done this so many times? Really, is there something wrong with me that I've done this 4 times with 5 dogs? I know I never intend to give them up. I know that I always think this will be the time it will work out but it never does. Life sucks without a dog. I wonder what Harley is doing tonight. Is he already in bed? Probably. Where is he sleeping? Is he okay? I know he doesn't feel like I do but I wonder if he misses me. I think I was closer to him and than any other dog I've ever had.

It's so hard at first because the only routine I've known involves Harley. There is lots of empty space in my day right now. And it hurts. The silence is overwhelming. I don't want a dog that bites me all the time but I really wish that Harley could have gotten over that with me. Would I have spent the money even if I had it? Probably. I hate giving up on them. I hate giving up on me. At some point I just don't feel capable any more. I wasn't doing everything with Harley that I could have. There was more that I could have done. But I also did put in an effort. Maybe not 100% but I was close. I loved him 100% though and I still do.

I know I'm rambling. I just need to do that tonight. I would rather have not ever posted in the Dog Blog again than have to post about giving up Harley. I hope that David will be able to forgive me for doing this. I hope I can forgive myself. At least I have things to do tomorrow (a walk with Kitty in the morning and an appointment with Marianne in the afternoon) so maybe it won't be as bad as it is right now. I know I'm going to be sad walking without Harley and I'll probably cry when I see Marianne so I guess I shouldn't expect tomorrow to be okay. But I have to keep moving on and moving through this grief. I'm crying for all my dogs tonight. Not just Harley.

Okay, I need to stop blogging so I can stop crying. I don't want to use up a whole box of tissues tonight. I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet, to face my bedroom without Harley in his kennel. I'll go in just a little while. The reality is just too hard to face right now.

I was going to post a picture but I don't have any with me and Harley. I have some video of him and me but no pictures. Why do I let that happen? I'm just be glad that I have a lot of pictures of him to comfort my broken heart.

Harley is gone :-(

Harley is gone. I reached my breaking point on Monday and called Cindy at Sit Means Sit. She was the only one who offered to take him. I called in the afternoon on Monday and she called me back within minutes and said that I could bring him to her house out in Black Forest. It was a very sad day. I love Harley and wish that I could have kept him but the biting was just too much for me. Everything I did every day revolved around Harley. I felt like I was suffocating with him. I have tears in my eyes already just thinking about him. Cindy seemed confident that she could work with Harley and she thinks that he is a great dog. He's just not great for me. I loaded up his food, treats, bison bones, Buster Cubes and Ultra Balls to take with him. I used one of the chain leashes when I let him out of the car. He seemed fine of course. He wasn't very happy at first to see me drive away but then they walked him toward the house and he seemed fine. I cried for the rest of the day.

I wondered what his first night was like away from me. Then the next day I wondered how he was doing at his new house. Cindy lives out in Black Forest with some land. I hope Harley is able to enjoy being there. Cindy may not be the one who keeps Harley. He might go with another trainer or a client. I know that wherever he ends up he will be very happy. Cindy thinks that she can get him to start behaving in a week or so. If I could have afforded it I would have done the training with them but I'm out of money and couldn't afford to spend any more money on Harley. I feel bad that money came into play but it wasn't the main reason for giving him up. I thought that having Harley was going to be a completely different experience than it ended up being. He was never the hiking buddy that I wanted which makes me sad.

It's only been 2 days since I let him go but for some reason today was really difficult. The house seemed so empty without him. It was just so quiet today. I wasn't getting up every five minutes to let him in and out. I'm relieved at all the things that I don't have to work around anymore but that does not lessen my sadness. I feel foolish that I have given up 5 dogs in as many years. I really had good intentions with all of them but I guess I'm just meant to not have a dog. I still would love to have one but it would have to be trained before I got it for it to work out.

Oh how I miss Harley, Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz. I am not over giving up any of them. I was foolish to think that it could work out with Harley. Hopeful, but foolish. I really intended that I would never give Harley up but I never counted on him biting me all the time. I hope that it was just me he is like that with and that whoever ends up with him will find his gentle side. He does actually have one.

So, here I sit, once again, crying over giving up my dog. Cindy said I could ask about him if I wanted but I think it's best if I just let him go. I don't know how it would make me feel if I hear that he is doing well. I think I would feel like I made a mistake and that he was salvageable. I'd rather just know that I've done the right thing for me and for Harley and leave it at that. David is having a very difficult time with this and I can't blame him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Harley like I did. I told Harley that I love him and that he would be okay. David wasn't home from work when I brought Harley to Cindy. David misses Harley greeting him when he gets home from work. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he's not attacking me and my shoes when I come in the house.

Harley was spending far too much time tethered or in his kennel. He also had started to tear up the bushes in the back yard. He was already digging along the fence but when he started digging up the bushes, that was kind of the final straw. I really, really hope that Harley will do okay with someone else. My only fear was that he would behave so badly that Cindy would want me to take him back. He's not that bad though. He really is a great dog. I just don't know how to handle a dog so that he or she is at her best. Harley made Huxley and Blitz look like a walk in the park. I still had issues with them though. Blitz was always waking me up at night and they were always getting into the trash. Oh well, that situation is over too. I need to move on.

Now it's time to build my life again. I know that The Dog Blog will continue because it will take a long time, if ever, to not miss all my dogs. And as ridiculous as it sounds maybe one day, years from now, I'll be at a place in my life where a dog would actually make sense. But I'm not anywhere near that point in my life right now. Now I can think about walking again and going back to school without worrying about leaving Harley for hours on end which just made him act worse. I hope it doesn't come across as me being selfish because that's not it at all. I did have Harley's interests in mind when I made my decision. I had sat and cried in Marianne's office for one hour before making the decision at Lisa's house to call Cindy. I thought I was feeling bad about my 50th birthday coming up on Monday like if I didn't celebrate it this year I would never have a reason to celebrate. I think what I was really feeling though was that if I didn't let go of Harley right now, I never would. That thought was overwhelming.

I wish that I didn't have to post this. I'm embarrassed and feel so bad that I've given up Harley. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel bad and sad. The tears will continue to come. I'm sure of that. At some point they will stop. I'm sure of that too. But in the mean time I'll just grieve over my loss. Again.

Spoke to Dr. J

Harley is doing his best to destroy the back yard. He has about 2/3 of the big bush out there torn out of the ground. I put his super large ball out there but he doesn't seem to have any interest in it. He'd rather pull up parts of the bush. I'm not sure how to get him to stop digging and destroying in the back yard.

I talked to Dr. J last night about Harley. She wants me to do some repetition work with Harley when he starts biting. I have to remove myself from the situation by going in another room for about a minute. If I come out and he goes after me again I have to go right back in the room. I have to do this 4-5 times or until he stops going after me. If he continues after 4-5 times then I need to go in the room for 5-10 minutes to let him deescalate his frustration. I can see that I'm going to be spending a lot of time walking down the hallway and sitting in my bedroom. But who knows, maybe he'll surprise me and get it the 1st or 2nd time.

My homework from Dr. J is to note how the above protocol is working and to write down what was going on just before he started biting. There may be something that is triggering him that is not completely obvious so I need to really pay attention to what is going on around us.

I felt better after talking to Dr. J. Having a plan helps reduce the stress. Dr. J also told me that it will be another 2 weeks or so before the Prozac begins to take effect. So, we play the waiting game but at least I have a protocol to use in the mean time.

Dr. J wants me to continue working on getting Harley to relax and getting him to sit-stay. I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by Harley already today.

Plotting and planning

It's 1am. I'm up and Harley is in bed sleeping (as he should be). I was thinking about my last blog entry and realized that I'm not showing a complete picture of Harley. He's more than just a dog who bites me. So today, Easter Sunday, I'm going to have David videotape me working with Harley so you can see how smart he is and how cute he can be. I don't want anyone to think that I'm just trying to highlight what is wrong with Harley. There's obviously more to it than that. So, we'll do a little video later today.

I'm hoping to get Harley out for a walk today. The weather is supposed to be nice, up near 60 degrees. Maybe David would consider going with us. I'm going to try to walk Harley over to the mailbox and back then walk him around the cul de sac a few times. I'm sure he would enjoy that. I'm hoping that Harley can have another good day today as far as the biting goes. He made it all the way until 4:41pm yesterday before he bit me. I was doing some reading on bite force and it said that Labradors have about 125 pounds of force in their bite. Pit bulls and Rotties are up in the 300's. So, I guess I'll keep telling myself that this could be much worse than it is.

I watched a few episodes of "It's Me Or The Dog" yesterday. The one thing I took away from it is that you have to work with the dog, you have to practice. The dog obviously won't learn what it isn't being taught. Follow up is key in this process and I haven't been following up very well. Harley will only improve if I put the time into working with him. Why pay an expert like Dr. J if I'm not going to follow the advice completely. I need to stop getting so frustrated with Harley. He will definitely pick up on my frustration and will feel frustrated himself. I need to have a positive attitude and show Harley that together we can do this. I know that the best thing I can do for Harley is to walk him. A tired dog is a good dog. It would be good for me to get out there and start walking too. I won't be able to just go up to Palmer Park and do the 40 minute loop right off. Taking some shorter walks with Harley will get me ready for going up there. It will get Harley ready to go up there too.

So, I need to work with Harley more consistently. It's not going to be an easy process and I will only get out of it what I put into it. It would not be fair to give Harley up without working with him and being committed to making this work. There are 3 things I need to keep in mind - 1. there are going to be expenses every month with Harley (Prozac, bison bones and treats) and that will just have to be a part of the budget 2. Harley can't do this on his own, I have to do this with him and 3. I need to give the Prozac time to work. I'm willing to do all of those things to try to make the situation with Harley better.

I didn't get to talk to Dr. J last night. She got home late (around 9pm) and emailed and asked if we could talk tonight instead. I told her that would be fine. I feel I can benefit from having the extra time to gather my thoughts and write down some questions or thoughts that I have. I need to remember that I paid Dr. J for this service and I need to take advantage of the follow up time that she includes with the evaluation/diagnosis. I need to stop feeling like I'm in this all on my own because I am not. I have David, Dr. J, Lisa and Marianne to help me weather this storm. I could ask Lisa if she would walk Woody with me and Harley a couple times a week. I need to get Harley socialized. He's been too isolated these last few months that he's been out of training. I need to have him in controlled situations where he can succeed. I'm sure Lisa would love to get Woody out there and spend some time with me. I certainly would enjoy spending time with her.

I'm also going to ask Marianne if I can drop by her office at least once a week for just a few minutes to let Harley get used to her and her office. I'd like to do the same thing with Lisa. I'd like to stop by her house so Harley gets used to being in different environments. He's probably acting out as much as he does because he is so bored with spending all of his time with just me. I'm going to ask David if he would take Harley for a walk without me once a week. Just a quick walk over to the mailboxes and back. I need Harley to get used to being without me so that his separation anxiety can lessen. And I need to be contacting Dr. J at least 3x/week just to let her know how things are progressing. I can't believe that a month has already gone by since she did the evaluation. We have 2 more months of follow up and I intend to use that time to it's fullest.

I'm thinking that I might also be able to get Kitty and Sammy to meet up with Harley and me for a walk each week. I would love the opportunity to spend more time with Kitty anyway. Sammy is well behaved and maybe Harley can learn from Sammy and Woody how to settle down and be a polite dog. So there's a lot that I can do to help this situation improve with the support of my friends.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do about school. It's not what anyone else wants me to do but what I truly would like to do for me. Harley obviously fits into my decision so what happens over the next month will have an impact whether I keep Harley or not. What I really want to do is to take online classes and to go to campus for 1 class. That way I'm getting the best of both worlds. There is no way I could sit at school all day or leave Harley all day. Especially not right now. Classes start June 1st so I have plenty of time to work with Harley and Dr. J to make this situation better. I'm thinking of taking 4 classes, 3 online and 1 on campus. It would be a lot but I think that I really need it to get the structure and routine back into my life. Harley can only benefit from that.

Now it's 2am. I should be getting back to bed. I'm glad I took time though to think about all of these things. I can start putting this all into action later this morning by taking Harley for a walk.

Harley is really growing as you can see in this picture I took today (April 3, 2010).

Here's a video of Harley biting my arm. Usually I would get up and walk away but I just wanted to show what it is that he is doing.

Here's another video of me getting Harley to sit, using treats, after he has started jumping on me and biting me. He went after me again when he thought I was going to get my shoes out of the closet.

He made it until 4:41pm

Well, we made it to 4:41pm before Harley bit me. So he's tethered right now. He bit down really hard on my arm. I tried to get him to sit but he wouldn't. I got up and walked away from him. He came after me, jumped on me and started biting me. Not good. But he's laying down now and is settled. I'll let him off the tether in a few minutes. I need him to relax first and then I can try again. He was doing so well. I'm really proud of him for how long he went today without biting me. I wonder how many PSI his jaw exerts on my arm. It sure does hurt. At least he didn't break the skin.

Quiet day

I hesitate to blog about this for fear that I will jinx it but Harley hasn't bit me once today. And it's 3pm! I'm not sure what's going on but he hasn't tried biting me at all. He's either been outside or laying down inside. What a peaceful day this has been.

I got an email from Dr. J and she is going to call me this afternoon. I've gone back through the paperwork she sent me and reread the handouts on Separation Anxiety and Changing Attention Seeking Behavior. I think that I have been trying to do too much with Harley at one time. I need to focus on just a few things and not overwhelm him or me. Until I can get him to behave the majority of the time it's pointless to try to get him to do the Sit-Stay Program or to try to take him for walks. I want to work on getting him to relax and to understand that he will not get what he wants until I am ready to give it to him and he will have to do something to get it (sit-stay, down-stay).

It's so strange to have him acting like a regular dog today. I don't know what to make of it.

I'm looking forward to talking to Dr. J. I want to talk to her about doing too many things at one time (which I believe has been my mistake not her telling me to do that). I get anxious to get things going and I tend to jump in with both feet without looking when it comes to a project. And Harley is a project. So I think I've put too much on me and Harley and I need to slow down now and start from the beginning. This past week I haven't done anything with Harley because I was so frustrated with him biting me and going after me. The only thing I did was tether him when he was in the house and not in his kennel. The weather has been nice so he's been outside a lot. He hasn't been tethered 24/7. I haven't had to tether him at all today. Maybe the Prozac is starting to work. Who knows? I'm just grateful to not have to fend him off all day long. The biting is annoying but just having to keep him away from me all the time is so time consuming and frustrating.

There are so many things I'd like to be able to do without Harley interfering (reading, playing on the laptop, emptying or filling the dishwasher, doing laundry, cooking, etc.). I want to be able to get to a point with him that I tell him to stay and he does until I release him. I'm going to have to ask Dr. J what exactly I should be doing and in what order should I be doing it. I know some things have to be done concurrently but I don't think I'm supposed to be doing it all right now. Or if I am, it's not working and I need to come up with a new plan of attack.

The things I'd like to work on are 1. Separation Anxiety 2. Changing Attention Seeking Behavior 3. Relaxation and 4. working to get the gentle leader on him. That only will keep us very busy. I don't want to feel like every waking moment of my life is centered on Harley. I know I have to put in the time and effort to make changes but I feel like I have given up my life completely for him. That's not completely Harley's fault either. He is an attention seeker but I think I just pay too much attention to him making the situation worse than it could be.

Harley has been tearing apart our bushes in the back yard. He's dragged pieces of them all over the yard. His digging is quite noticeable along the fence. If he finds anything he can tear up, he does. And he stole another toy from the dogs behind us. It must have been right up by the fence and he was able to get under the fence and pilfer it. I'm going to have to give some of Harley's toys that he can't play with to them.

I know that part of our problem is that we aren't in any kind of a routine but with the advent of classes starting in June I'll need to start getting into a routine now so I'll be prepared by the time I start school. Part of that routine will have to involve walking and training with Harley. I know that every moment is an opportunity to train but I'm talking about specific training sessions. I think that both Harley and I will benefit from a routine.

I can't believe he is still sleeping. This is so unusual. But nice.

I've decided that I'm going to work with Harley for the month of April and if I don't see any progress then I'm going to find someone to take him. I'm not expecting miracles but I do expect things to change somehow during the next month. I think I'm being realistic (if I'm not, I'm sure someone will tell me). The Prozac will have had time to take effect, we'll be on a routine for a month and we should be able to start walking again. All of those things should make a noticeable difference in Harley. I still have hope that I'll be able to take him up to Palmer Park for walks and to Lisa's and Marianne's for visits. I also think that he'll be able to get along with other dogs and not play so rough. I know this will all take time but if I don't see some forward progress in the next month I am going to let him go.

I know that I have to make a complete commitment to this again and not give up just because it's time consuming and difficult. Things should also be easier with the nice weather coming. I'll be able to get him out more walking and he'll want to be out in the yard more too. I feel bad that I had given up on Harley this past week but I'm not going to clobber myself over the head about it. I'm going to just start from today and do my best. I know that Harley has it in him to be a great dog. I just have to figure out how to draw that out of him. I guess he'll have to "figure out" how to draw it out of me too.

It's funny the way things work out

Harley remains tethered most of the day because of his biting. I try to get him outside as much as possible so he's not tethered as much. The weather has been nice so he's been enjoying being outside. I went out in the yard with him yesterday. I was cleaning up the yard and he was trying to help by getting under my feet. lol He did go after my shoes while I was out there but it wasn't the whole time I was out there.

I continue to give Harley his Prozac daily. I haven't noticed any change though. I don't think the DAP collar is having any effect at all. He still doesn't like it when I leave the house. He whines and screeches when I go to put my shoes on. I think he settles down as soon as I leave though. I've listened from the garage and he doesn't bark the whole time I'm gone. He's always fine when I get home too. I keep him in his kennel for about 15 minutes so he can get used to me being home without jumping all over me or going after my shoes.

I always have good intentions when I get a dog and believe I've made a commitment to the dog but I'm realizing that my commitment does not last. I think that maybe I just shouldn't own a dog. I love Harley and I love his companionship (when he's not biting!) but I don't love all the things I have to do to take care of him (cleaning the yard, working with him all the time, taking him for walks, etc.). I let my emotions get the best of me and convinced myself that I couldn't live without a dog. I believe that I was wrong. I do think I could live without a dog. There are of course things that I would miss about Harley but there would be more things that I don't miss.

I know anyone reading this must think that I'm a crazy person when it comes to dogs. And maybe I am. Like I said though, I have good intentions. They just don't pan out for me. I keep asking myself what the point of having a dog is if he's always in his kennel, outside or tethered. There is no relationship in this type of situation. I'm just feeling more distant from Harley. Some people think that he will just grow out of this biting thing but I don't know that I want to wait that long. Maybe he'd be just fine with someone else. I don't know.

At least Harley doesn't act up while he's tethered. I know he doesn't like it but he's not going crazy to get off the tether. And because I'm using the chain leash he's not able to break the leash. He must be getting bored because he started chasing his tail. I'm going to let him out so he can play in the yard. Well he doesn't want to go outside but he's occupied with chewing on a bone so I'll leave him off the tether.

I've either got to put 100% into this situation with Harley or I need to give him up to someone who will put in 100% with him. It's not fair to me or to Harley to not put in the effort. I guess I'm just feeling beaten down this week because of all the biting. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and it's trying to be mean. I know he's just trying to get my attention in the only way he knows how at this point. He is getting better about sitting in front of me instead of just biting me right away. So maybe there is some progress. It's hard to see when you're in the middle of something like this.

I think that David wouldn't be very happy if I gave Harley up. I know he wants me to keep working with Harley but he's not the one who is getting bitten. I am. And he's not the one who has to work with Harley 24/7. I am. I wanted a companion dog not a high maintenance puppy. I guess I should have thought it through even more than I did before getting Harley. I know I was just missing Huxley and Blitz and wanted to heal that hurt and Harley did heal my broken heart but now he's breaking my heart. It's funny the way things work out.

I know in my heart and my head what I want to do but I'm just afraid of giving up on this too soon. I think I need to do something though before it gets totally out of hand. It could get to a point that Harley isn't manageable at all and I don't want that to happen. There is no good outcome with that scenario. I need to talk to David and see where he is with this. I know that I'm the one who has to make the decision since I am Harley's caretaker but not being quite sure how David feels about the whole Harley situation makes it harder to make a decision. I guess I just want and need some support no matter what I end up doing.

Tethered

Well, Harley continues to flea bite me today so I put him on tether. I can't let him bite me anymore. It's no fun having him tethered but what else can I do. David wants me to give it a few more weeks to see if the Prozac helps at all. I know I can put up with a few more weeks but the question is do I want to put up with more. I guess that today I'm feeling like I just haven't done enough with Harley and I need to give him time to let the Prozac take effect. I have him tethered with the chain leash so he can't chew it apart. It does have a leather handle so I have to keep an eye on him anyway. I know that I've given up on Harley and I can't do that. I need to keep working with him and give him the opportunity to change.

Every day I wake up and tell myself that I'm going to give 100% to Harley but then he starts biting me and I just give up. Like I've said before, I've spent a lot of time, effort and money on Harley and I don't know that I'm ready to throw the towel in on him. I thought that a lab/retriever mix would be an awesome combination for a dog but that has not proved to be the case with Harley. I'm sure he's got something else mixed in there. I wanted a dog that had the temperament and personality of a therapy dog. Harley is the polar opposite of that.

I'm going to have to put him in his kennel now so I can take a shower. I'd leave him tethered but I'm worried that he would chew on the couch or the leather handle on the leash. He's safe and won't get into trouble being in his kennel. This situation is really getting me down today.

If you're not part of the solution...

David told me to tether Harley to the couch tonight. Not only was he trying to bite me, he was trying to bite David too. When he seemed calm we let him off the leash but he just went right back to biting again. He's in his kennel now sleeping. I felt so much less stress with Harley on the tether but what's the point of having a dog that you can't interact with? I've got to figure out what the solution is to this problem.

It doesn't get any easier

I spent my whole hour with Marianne talking about Harley. I cried a few times. Deciding how to handle things with him is not easy. It just comes down to this - I don't want him biting me again. Maybe he'd be okay with someone else but having him just doesn't work for me. Right now he's tethered to the couch so he can't go after me. That's not having a pet. When I got home today I let him out and he was okay for a few minutes. Then he started jumping on me and biting me. I literally had to push him out the back door to get him to go out. I'm just sick of him going after me. Of course right now he's laying down, looking oh so innocent. But I know that within minutes of letting him off the tether he'd be back at me again. I just want to be able to sit in my chair and work on my laptop without Harley getting upset and going after me.

The question I keep asking myself is have I made enough of an effort with him? Am I just giving up because it's difficult? How much longer should I let him bite me before it's okay to say I'm done? He's not a vicious dog. At times he can be really gentle and sweet but the majority of the time that he's in the house and out of his kennel or off of his tether his is biting me or jumping up on me. How much more of this do I have to endure? Would I be a bad person if I found someone else to take him? He's very high maintenance and I don't have that much to give. I end up giving everything I have to Harley and having nothing left over for myself.

I don't know that I would ever feel like I worked hard enough with him no matter how much time, effort and money I put into him. So do I do what's best for me or do I keep trying to make this situation work and keep getting bitten in the mean time. I felt so sure when I was talking to Marianne and now I'm second guessing myself again. Maybe I should give it more time. Isn't that what I do with everything though. How much time am I supposed to give it and how much abuse am I supposed to put up with. I want to be a dog person but I don't think that will ever work out for me. Harley senses something in me that tells him that he can take advantage of me. He seems to have no boundaries with me. If he wants to attack me, he attacks me. End of story.

David doesn't seem to be too concerned about what Harley is doing to me physically, mentally and emotionally. I think that he thinks that I'm just giving up, that I don't want to put in the effort that it would take to get Harley to behave (if that's even possible with me). But I'm the one who has to deal with Harley 24/7, not David. He gets to go to work and not deal with this all day. I don't have that option. I want to be able to make decisions based on what I want to do not on what is best for Harley. I'm not sorry that I got Harley. I have learned a lot about myself on my adventure with him but maybe now is the time for me to move forward. No matter what I do it won't be easy. Keeping him and having him biting me stinks. Letting him go would make me very sad.

I guess I was hoping that David would have some sympathy for me going through this but I don't really see that from him. I'm not saying he's bad because of that or that I'm mad, I guess I was just hoping he would make this easier for me. I'm going to have to figure this out on my own, well with Marianne's help. Do I even want to make this work anymore? I don't think that I do.

His behavior tires me out!

So, I ended up going back to bed for a couple of hours. When I woke up I let Harley out of his kennel. I'm making him sit at the door before he goes out and before he comes in. If he's sitting there and takes more than 5 seconds to go out or come in I will shut the door and go sit down. I won't get up until I'm ready to let him in or out. The thing is, that I've been doing this, it's just that now I'm doing it with attitude and purpose. Harley must finally be hungry - he's eating kibble from his Buster Cube. That's good to see. He didn't empty the cube but he did eat a good amount from it. He is standing at the door but not sitting so he doesn't get my attention. When his butt sits down mine will get up. There he goes, he's sitting. I'll go attempt to let him out.

I opened the door, counted to 5, he didn't go out so I closed the door, came in and sat down. I reached for my laptop and he started licking it so I set it aside. He started to flea bite my legs, which I just have no tolerance for today. I turned away from him but he continued to bite me. I got up and he still continued to bite me. I brought him down to his kennel and put him in it. That's where he is right now. I know that he is just trying to get my attention but I pay too much attention to him as it is. He needs to learn how to deal with things without getting my attention.

I'm going to re-read the handout that Dr. J sent to me about stopping attention seeking behavior. I'm going to go over it again with David too. I want to make sure that David and I are doing our utmost to deter Harley's attention seeking behavior. That's going to be our focus for the next few days. I can't do anything else with him until we get his attention seeking under control.

I'm falling asleep again so I'm going to take a nap before I jump in the shower. He's being whiny but that's his issue to deal wit, not mine.

Not starting off very well

Harley and I got up at 7:30am. It's just before 8am and he's back in his kennel because he was trying to bite me. My upper arms hurt so much that I can't fend him off very well. There will be no playing with him today. I'm going to try to take him out for a walk. It's hard though because he'll go after my shoes, after the leash, bolt out the door and pull (which my arms just won't take today). I just want to go back to bed and hibernate until it's time to go to my appointment this afternoon with Marianne. That certainly won't help anything though. What to do? What to do?

From bad to worse

I haven't blogged recently because I haven't been working with Harley. All I'm trying to do right now is survive Harley. For the most part, when Harley is in the house and out of his kennel, he is biting me. So, he's been spending a lot of time outside or in his kennel. Thankfully the weather has been nice and he can be outside more of the time. His biting is now at the ridiculous stage. It's like it's the only way he knows of to communicate with me. He usually starts by flea biting my legs, around my knee caps. Then he'll start going for my stomach and arms. I'm supposed to turn away from him but that just makes it worse. I'm doing that though. When I get up to remove myself from the situation he follows after me and attacks my back. If I try to walk out of the room, he just grabs onto my arm and clamps down. All of this biting is frustrating me and making me want to cry.

I sent a whiny email to Jennie last night. I was so frustrated I didn't know what else to do. I'm desperate for something to change or improve. I'd have to say that this is the worst it's ever been with Harley. My arm is bruised and cut in two places, small cuts but cuts nonetheless. I want to walk Harley but all he does is go after the leash or after me. Walks are terribly frustrating. Most days we're not making it out the door. I feel like I've failed Harley. I'm obviously doing something that is contributing to his behavior. He doesn't act this way with David. Just with me.

I'm still considering going back to school this summer but the worse Harley gets the more I think that trying to get school work done at home will be impossible. He goes after my laptop when I'm trying to use it. He bites at the power supply at the back of the laptop and he licks the keyboard. Very bizarre behavior. He'll also stick his nose under the laptop and try to push it off my lap. I just want a normal dog who can lay around sometimes and give me a break. I feel like I'm on call every minute of the day when Harley is up. Changing his attention seeking behavior is proving to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. He is totally rebelling against me turning away from him or not giving him attention when he demands it.

It was so bad yesterday that all I could think about was not having Harley. I love him. I would miss him, but I don't think I can stand one more bite. My arm hurts all the time now because of him biting and clamping down on it. I must be the runt of the litter and Harley is always putting me in my place. That's the way it feels anyway. I know that I just need to be purposeful with Harley to get him to start acting better. I can't give up or give in because then he'll know that he's won and then it will never get better.

One of the things I'm hoping for is for the Prozac to kick in any time now. The DAP collar isn't doing a thing, at least not that I can tell. The Prozac could still have weeks to start kicking in. In the mean time, I'm frustrated, bruised, cut and feeling hopeless. I'm also very annoyed. He bites me all the time. He's got to weigh about 65 pounds now and fending off a dog that size isn't easy. And he's only going to get bigger.

~sigh~ I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need to start over with everything that Dr. J told me to to and not move forward until he is very comfortable with what we are currently working on. He seems to be frustrated by having to work with me. He's become very obstinate too. I have a hard time getting him to do anything he doesn't want to do because he sits down or lays down and rolls over so he doesn't have to do what I need him to do. He's playing this game with me now that when I come to the door to let him in, he walks away. I'm getting tired of that game pretty quick. I know I'm just going to have to persevere and continue to work with him. What alternative do I have? I think that if someone else would take him, I would gladly give him up. At least that's how I feel right now after him biting me all day yesterday. There are moments though, when he's not biting me, that I look in his face and know that he's my dog and we were meant to be together. I just don't know if we're meant to be together for the long haul.

If he was like this with everyone, I wouldn't feel as bad but he doesn't do this to David. He is overly aggressive playing with other dogs though. He hasn't played with another dog for months now because I can't trust him to behave. Because he's getting bigger, he's getting harder to control. Honestly, I just don't want to spend my whole day fending off a dog. I can't relax with him anymore. I know that I need to get up later this morning and just take him for a walk around the cul de sac for at least a half an hour to get some of the pent up energy out of him. I can't get the gentle leader on him by myself though. But I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I can just hook one of the chain leashes to his collar and get him out there. I've got to do something or I'm going to lose what little of my sanity that I have left.

One thing that's I've noticed since he's been on the Prozac is that he's less interested in eating and treats. I used to be able to distract him by giving him a bison bone but as much as he loves them he has seemed to figure out that a bison bone means I'm not paying attention to him. He's not eating his kibble very much which renders the Buster Cubes and Tug a Jug obsolete. I can't leave him with a black Extreme Kong because he takes those apart now. All of the compressed rawhide sticks I got for him are all gone. He went through 10 of them already. I'm really starting to think that I need to get some blood work done on him to see if there isn't some underlying cause for all of this.

So, here I am at 3:30 in the morning, up because it's the only time I can do anything without Harley going after me. I'm so grateful that Harley sleeps through the night and isn't up too early in the morning. I'm going to do my best to not approach this day with dread but to instead approach it with hope. Maybe yesterday was the worst "getting worse before it gets better" day. Maybe today will be different somehow. I don't believe that but I can still hope for it.

Harley has been the biggest challenge of my life. I've dealt with lots of things in my almost 50 years but this has to be one of the most frustrating, annoying and hopeless situations that I've ever come across. I'm just glad that I love Harley and can still see sweetness in there somewhere. Otherwise, I don't know how he or I would survive this.

So that's it for right now. I'm going to go back to bed and hopefully sleep for a while before Harley wakes up. Then I'll start all over again with him. What else can I do?

Harley destroyed an Extreme Kong!

I just went in to let Harley out and saw that he had torn apart one of the large Extreme Kongs (the black ones). I don't even know what to think about that. I have 3 more (2 large and 1 xlarge) but now I'll have to watch him with those too. The only thing I can put in his kennel without worrying is a bison bone. He seems really anxious right now. I'm going to leave him in his kennel and bring treats in to him every 10 minutes or so. If I let him out he'll just go after me. Sometimes it's very frustrating.

Keeping Harley Calm

Harley usually does pretty good most of the day while he's home alone with me but once David gets home Harley starts biting me. I wonder if he thinks that I'll pay attention to David instead of him. I don't know what it is, but it's annoying nonetheless.

Harley is outside right now. We got a lot of snow and he's enjoying running around in it. The dogs behind us are out and he always goes out when they are out. Well, now he's inside. David let him in. Harley has a piece of one of those compressed rawhide sticks. He likes those. He can eat a whole stick (10") in a couple of hours though. Doesn't seem to be bothering his stomach at all. And he's having no problems doing his business.

I had to stop typing for a few minutes because Harley was going after me. I tried sit-stay with treats but he's just too wound up. So, he's in his kennel with a Kong that has cream cheese and Zukes in it. He clamped down on my arm really hard. It hurt. He always seems to be worse in the late afternoon and evening.

I just got an email from Dr. J. She said that she thinks Harley is getting excited when David gets home and his way of dealing with it is to flea bite me. I'll obviously have to find something else that he can give his attention to when David gets home. I think one thing that would help is to have David ignore Harley completely when he gets home. He always says hello to Harley and I think that gets Harley amped up. We need to keep him in a settled state at all times, but especially when either of us are coming or going.

I'll let him out of his kennel in just a few minutes. He would just go after me right now because I'm on the laptop. ~sigh~

Chuckit Ultra Ball

The Chuckit Ultra Ball is one of only two toys that Harley has not been able to destroy. The other is the Buster Cube. This ball is made of rubber and as much as he chews on it it does not tear. I have 2 of them but I'm only letting him play with one at a time. Yesterday he chewed a piece out of a black (Extreme) Kong. I couldn't believe he did that. But this ball seems to withstand the awesome chomping power of his jaw. He loves to play fetch with it and he's getting better about dropping it so we can throw it again.

So, if you have a dog that is an extremely aggressive chewer, that destroys almost every toy he gets then try the Chuckit Ultra Ball. I'm sure there is a dog out there that can destroy it so if your dog is the one, let me know. Also, if you buy this ball for your dog and he's not able to destroy it, I'd like to hear about that too.

I get no compensation for recommending this toy. I recommend it because it works.

Edited to Add: Here's the link for the Chuckit Ultra Ball on Amazon.com.

Tiny bits of progress

I sent an email to Dr. J last night letting her know that Harley is showing some improvement. He seems to be a bit calmer this week. I was able to get my shoes out of the closet, put them on and leave without him going after me. I had him do a sit-stay and he did it! Woohoo! I'll take any progress I can get.

Harley is still biting me daily but it's a little bit better too. He goes after me 2-4 times/day instead of it being an all day activity. Mostly he is "flea" biting me. It still hurts though. When he gets really excited he still clamps down on my arms. Usually a treat will calm him down though. I haven't been carrying the treat bag around with me but I will start doing that today. Sometimes, if I get up to walk away from Harley biting me, he'll follow me and jump up on me and continue to bite. If I had a treat ready every time I know I could minimize this behavior.

I still have a lot of work to do with Harley. I need to put in even more time and effort with him. I want him to progress and become a more normal, well-adjusted dog. He'll be 10 months old in just 2 weeks. I can't believe he's almost a year old. I guess if I can make it through his first year, then I can make it through anything.

It snowed out last night. Harley had a great time going out and playing in it. There's quite a drift at the back door that I'll have to knock down (or maybe Harley will knock it down for me!) I'm sure that once he's up he'll be interested in going out to play.

It's almost 6am (I've been up since 5am) so I'm going to head back to bed. More later.

What a good boy Harley is...

Most of the time I forget that I have fibromyalgia. Then a day like today comes along and I remember all too well. Just walking around the house hurts and I'm so fatigued. The good news: Harley has been wonderful today. He's kept himself busy most of the day inside and outside. It's a nice day so he's been out on the deck a lot napping. He's in the house right now chewing on a bison bone. Days like today scare me because I think "what if I feel this way everyday? how will I be able to work with Harley?". Then I remind myself that it's almost always temporary, that I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm just grateful that Harley didn't suffer any adverse effects from me not feeling well today. I wonder if the Prozac is working already because he seems so much calmer than he used to be. He's sitting at the door now so I'm going to go let him out. I'm too tired to type much today anyway.

Dakini

Here's Dakini, a retriever mix, who lives with Diane in Utah (Best Friends Animal Society/Dogtown). Diane and I have been in touch by email about Harley. Diane has been quite a wonderful resource for me and for Harley. I sent an email to Dogtown when I didn't know what to do about Harley and Diane was nice enough to respond and give me tons of information. Diane says that Dakini is a handful just like Harley but also like Harley worth all the time and effort. I think Dakini looks so happy in this picture. She's a beautiful dog who is lucky to have Diane as her owner.

He seems different today

It's been a very good day with Harley. He seems different today somehow. David was working with him on waiting for treats and he was actually waiting. Maybe he's getting some impulse control. He spent a lot of the day outside or in the house at my feet. He only got mouthy twice today. I think that both times it was because he was tired. He's in bed right now. I can definitely tell when he's getting tired now because he gets mouthy. He also took offense to me studying today but I was able to keep him settled by having him sit or by me turning away from him. I've learned to turn sideways from him instead of with my back to him. When I have my back to him he thinks that's a clue to attack. I'm learning a lot about him just by paying closer attention to what he does and noticing any patterns. He's getting more predictable.

I'm going to do some reading tonight of the handouts that Dr. J sent me. It's supposed to be nice tomorrow so Harley and I are going to go for a walk with one of his new leashes, probably the short one. I'm going to bring treats to keep him focused on heeling. We'll walk around the cul de sac until he gets more controlled with his walking. I don't mind going in circles if Harley doesn't. lol

Video

Here's a video of Harley going after me. I had taken my shoes out of the closet and he thought I was leaving. I was trying to put them back in the closet when David recorded this little movie. I'm doing all the wrong things - reacting to him, pushing him, etc. Instead I should have just ignored him and turned away from him. This was before we had him evaluated by Dr. J. The less I react to his behavior, the less fun it will be for him to go after me. Right now he thinks it's a game that he always has to win. He is definitely trying to control me and make sure that I don't leave him.

We had a good day on Friday

I had a good day with Harley Friday. It's not because he didn't jump up on me or because he didn't bite me, because he did both. No, it's because he actually dropped things a couple of times to do an exchange for a higher value treat (whether it was food or a toy). I was actually able to keep him busy with toys and bison bones so I could get some math work done. It felt like a little glimpse into what could be. I went out twice Friday (once to do errands and once to get dinner) and he saw me get my shoes and he didn't pitch a fit. Do you think that he finally is getting it that I'll be coming back? He did whine when I got home. He wanted out of his kennel to say "hi" to me (read: jumping up and biting my shoes) but I let him sit in there for a bit so he'd settle down and he did. I try to get him to get something out of his kennel to carry with him so his mouth is full and distracted from me. So far it's been working. If I take away his opportunity to be mouthy then he's not mouthy. He's still excited but I don't reward that behavior. I wait until he calms down and sits or does down before I give him any attention. I want him to know that calm behavior gets him what he wants.

I've been having Harley sit inside the door when he's coming in from outside. I'm trying to make it clear to him that he has to settle before he can go into my house. He's been doing pretty good with that. It seems that the sit breaks the connection for Harley and he's able to let go of the excited feeling a bit easier. Whenever he is doing something we don't want him to do, instead of saying no, down, off, etc. we ask him to sit or down. We give him something to do instead of what not to do. He can easily give a sit but it's harder for him to stop doing an unwanted behavior just because we want him to. He responds better to having an alternative behavior to do.

I'm still in touch with Diane from Best Friends/Dog Town. She has a female retriever mix named Dakini who is a lot like Harley energy wise. We've been swapping stories and she has been giving me lots of good advice, links and handouts. Yesterday it was funny because I was watching Dog Town and got an email from Diane at the same time. That was kind of cool. She sent me a picture of Dakini. I will post it once I have permission to do that. It's great being in touch with Diane because she's so knowledgeable and has so many resources. I'm grateful that she takes the time to email me and ask about Harley.

I returned the DAP diffuser and ordered a DAP collar instead. I'm anxious to get it to see if it has a calming effect on Harley. I think I should get the collar by Monday (although I'm hoping it will get here today). Everything else has arrived and I'm making use of it in my training with Harley. Except for the 2 new leashes. It was in the 20's Friday with blowing snow so I didn't take Harley out. Instead we played fetch in the house (thank goodness for our long hallway). He went out quite a few times though and ran around the yard and said hello to Zeus and Freckles who live behind us. He was always coming in with a snout full of snow. It was cute.

Harley loves having his bison bones again and he loves the bison jerky treats that T. Rex and Lula Bear send to him. He always has to be chewing. I'm trying to work with him so that he can realize that he can relax without chewing but since chewing calms him down and relaxes him I don't take anything away from him if it's settling him down.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the handouts from Dr. J. I felt like there was so much that I had to be doing with Harley right now. Then I realized that this is about taking baby steps with Harley not winning any kind of contest for getting through it the quickest. I can take as long as Harley needs to be successful at modifying his behavior. The handouts are there to help me. I appreciate Dr. J taking the time to gather all the information and email it to me. We're going to start getting into a better routine beginning today. It was kind of a crazy week with no schedule at all for me or Harley so I'm looking forward to getting back on track with him especially now that I have so much awesome information to use. Being on a schedule can only help Harley and me. So I'm going to take some time this morning to re-read the case report and go from there. I want Harley to be successful. I don't want him to feel like he has to perform like a circus animal.

I looked at the book I got, 101 Tricks for Dogs, and it starts out with having them sit, down, stay and come. It dovetails nicely into where we are with Harley. I want to keep things fun for him so teaching him a new trick every once in a while will be great. He's so smart that I know that he can do just about anything once he puts his mind to it. I'm sure hoping that the Prozac will make a difference too. If it can just take the edge off of his excitement level, I think it would help us out more with the training. I don't expect to see any changes in him though until the end of the month.

Well, it's 4:15am. I'm updating the Dog Blog and Harley is in his kennel asleep. I think I need to take my cue from him and go back to bed so we can get started on our day together later this morning. I am so grateful that Harley sleeps through the night and doesn't get up until after 7am, sometimes even 8am. He's a good boy when he's sleeping. LOL

American Gourmet site

Forgot to mention in my last post that along with the raw bison bones, T-Rex and Lula Bear sent Harley some buffalo jerky treats . He loves those. If you're interested in the raw bison bones check out American Gourmet's website. Their customer service is excellent and they seem like really nice people. I love doing business with them. Harley loves them too. If you go to their website you'll see that Harley is their bison bone model. He has his trademark "bent back ear" in the pictures. His ears bend back more than any other dog I have ever seen. Anyway, check out the site and get some raw bison bones for your dog. Harley says that they are the best!

Case report and handouts

I got the case report from Dr. J today. She also sent me a boat load of handouts. I love getting all this information. Anything I can get to make things better with Harley is appreciated.

The gist of the case report and handouts is ignoring bad behavior and rewarding good behavior, continuing the sit-stay program and using treats, toys, chews and DAP to calm Harley down. I mean it's obviously a lot more involved than that but you get the idea. His treatment program, including behavior modification and medication, is very thorough. I'm really impressed with what Dr. J has given us to work with. It's going to take some time to really see progress but I'm willing to give it 100%. Now that I have the case report and handouts I'm going to start from the beginning with Harley so that David and I will be on the same page with how we interact with Harley. There's lots to read and lots to do to help Harley learn how to manage his separation anxiety and stress. It's already been 11 days since his evaluation. I feel like I haven't done much with him but I know that every little step I take is helping.

Today we got packages galore. I got about 20 pounds of bison bones and 2 leashes. That after getting about 3 packages yesterday too (tug a jug, kongs, 101 dog tricks book). I'm very impressed with the leashes that I got. The short one from dog.com is great. I can't wait to start using it. The 6' one from Ruff Wear, with the locking carabiner will make me feel so much better about Harley not being able to get out of his leash. I think I've received everything I've ordered except for the DAP collar that I ordered tonight. That should be here by the beginning of next week. I really have hope that the collar will help Harley to chill out.

I was hoping to take Harley for a walk with his new leashes tomorrow but after reaching the 70's today, it's going to snow and reach a high of about 30 degrees tomorrow. Saturday and Sunday should be better though. I know that I have to get into a routine with Harley. I need a routine for myself too, especially if I'm going to start school in May. I want Harley to be able to make it through a few hours while I go to a class without freaking out or attacking me when I get home.

Today was a rough day for Harley. He was really demanding attention from me. I ignored him and then tried to get him to sit-stay. He finally came around but he jumped on me and bit me quite a few times today. I'm not sure why today was worse than yesterday. I'm trying to go over it in my head and the only thing I can think of is that I must not have been giving him the attention he wants and he basically had a tantrum. One of Dr. J's handouts says that it may get worse before it gets better (extinction burst) and I'm thinking that's what's going on today. He purposely goes after me when I try to read or work on the laptop. He's going to have to stop doing that or I'll never get through school. I'm only going to take 2 classes so I won't be gone all day but the separation anxiety and stress could be an issue.

The case report focuses on Environmental, Behavioral and Medication changes. The environmental section has to do with the separation anxiety and the "leaving cues" that Harley picks up and how to deal with those. The behavioral section focuses on changing his attention seeking behavior and the sit-stay program. The medication section talks about the Prozac for a longer lasting effect which we've already started using and also mentions Xanax for a quicker, shorter lasting effect. I'll have to call Dr. McKenney and see what she thinks of prescribing the Xanax. I'd like to be able to give it to him until we can make some headway with the behavior modification but only if it would be appropriate in this situation.

I think I'm most excited about the "Changing the rules: No more attention seeking behavior" handout. It really details exactly what we need to be doing with Harley. I don't think I understood completely what we needed to do until I read that handout. I'm much more clear on the concept now. Harley is going to have to work for everything - food, going out, attention, treats, etc. Nothing in life is free for Harley anymore. And we have to be super consistent or this program will not work. David and I have to be on the same page. It's a must.

Here are a few things that I noticed today:

1. Harley starts jumping on me and biting me just before he needs to go to bed
2. Harley starts jumping on me and biting me when he wants attention
3. Harley starts jumping on me and biting me when he thinks I'm not paying attention to him
4. I can see the anxiety in him when these situations arise
5. Getting him to chew on something or eat something definitely helps calm him down
6. Harley starts jumping on me and biting me when we are finishing up a work session

I'm going to do my best to blog every day about working with Harley and the progress (or not) that he is making. I want to be able to look back and be able to say that I can definitely see the progress he has made. We have until the first week in June for follow-up with Dr. J and I want to make the best use of that time. If needed we can do a follow-up evaluation (we'd have to pay for the evaluation and the travel fee) but I'm hoping we've made enough progress by then that I can handle Harley. It's good to know that Dr. J is there for us though if we need her after the 3 month follow-up period.

One of the things that I think doesn't help is not having a routine. It's not that I want to do everything the same way every day, but if I could have more of a week to week schedule of things being the same I think it would help me and Harley. I know that I get kind of lost when the weather is bad (my issue, not Harley's) so I need to come up with something I can do on those bad weather days to make up for not being outside as much. I'm not sure what that will be yet but maybe just doing all of the program that I can do each day will suffice. I know that what I do or more importantly, don't do, has a major effect on Harley. I've been honest and said that for a while I had given up on Harley because he had become so difficult but I'm back on task and will work with him to make him a happier, more well-adjusted dog.

I've been emailing back and forth with Diane at Best Friends (Dog Town). She has been very encouraging and has been sharing her successes with her dog, Dakini. He seems like he has a lot of the same issues that Harley has and Diane has been working with Dakini and seeing lots of progress. I appreciate that she keeps in touch with me. I've asked her to send a picture of Dakini if she has one available. I'd love to see what he looks like. Beside Dr. J, Diane is the only one who had kept in touch with me about Harley.

I'm hoping that DAP collar will get here by Saturday but I'm sure it will probably be the beginning of next week. I'm so anxious to see if it will help Harley relax and calm down. When we used the diffuser for that short amount of time, he seemed to react well to it. I just don't like that the diffuser gets so hot (I worry about a fire) and that it leaks the DAP. I'm going to write to the company I got it from and see if I can return it. I hope they'll allow me to do that and to get a collar instead. There is also a DAP spray and DAP wipes. If I find the collar to be successful, I may invest in those down the road. I'll have to see how things go.

Okay, that's it for tonight. It'll be a whole new day with Harley tomorrow. I'm going to start at the beginning and work the program the way Dr. J has outlined it in the case report. I feel much better armed to deal with Harley now.

Goodnight.

Frustration

I'm feeling really frustrated right now. We went out for lunch and when we got home I let Harley stay in his kennel for about 15 minutes so he could calm down. He was pretty good at first then he started biting me. I tried "watch", "sit", "down", with and without treats (his appetite is low probably because he's taking the Prozac so treats aren't luring him as well) and I tried standing up, backing away, going down the hall and going into the bedroom and closing the door. As soon as I would head back to the living room he would go after me. I need a few minutes to rid myself of this frustration so he's in his kennel right now.

I tried bringing him to his kennel with the leash on but he just lays down now so he doesn't have to take the walk of shame. I finally got him down there by offering him a small piece of a blueberry muffin. He's in his kennel and taking a nap.

I've ordered some more appropriate toys for him (another Buster Cube, Kong Extreme, Tug-a-Jug) and chews (compressed rawhide sticks) but they are not here yet. Today he's not interested in his Kong or the Buster Cube anyway. We're out of bison bones so I'll need to get another box of those ordered this weekend so they'll ship on Monday. I also ordered a diffuser with dog appeasing pheromones (DAP). I don't know if it will help but I'm willing to try it. So the only thing I can do right now is give him the Prozac (30mg/day), keep up the training and try to settle him or distract him when he tries to bite me.

I think part of the reason I have less patience right now is because I have a headache (which actually could be a migraine). I'll probably go take a nap and hope the headache is gone when I get up. I'll let Harley out of his kennel then and try working with him again. I know he doesn't mean to act this way and he's not happy about it. He seems anxious when he's biting me. He hasn't been grabbing my arms quite as much as he had been. Mostly he's "flea" biting my legs and hands. The tethering gave my arms a chance to heal but within a week they are back to being bruised and scratched. They are not as bad as they have been though.

Tomorrow it's suppose to be 60 degrees so walking him 3 times shouldn't be a problem. Today is was about 50 but there was a cold wind. I already have a headache so walking in the cold wind just didn't appeal to me. I've got to do it for me and for Harley though. He's not going to get better if I don't get him out there 3 times a day. I don't want him to be totally dependent on the Prozac. I don't mind him taking the Prozac but if he could go off it in the future or cut back on the dose, I'd be happy. I'm sure he would be too.

Okay, a nap is now calling my name. I'll update again later when Harley and I get up.

It's a blueberry muffin kind of morning

It's 4:45am. I'm up making blueberry muffins. I let Harley out of his kennel but once he got into the living room he rolled over at my feet and starting biting them. I was filling the dishwasher while he was up too but he kept wanting to get in it. It's too early for him to be up so I put him back to bed. He'll probably sleep until 8am now. I'm sure I'll be heading back to bed before long.

I was thinking about the similarities to having a puppy and having a small kid. When there is a kid/puppy in the house it's difficult to get things done because you always have to be watching them and they usually are doing their best to thwart whatever activity you are trying to complete. They are not being mean, just being super curious. Harley wants to be involved in everything I do. If I really need to get something done I have to put him in his kennel. He doesn't know sit-stay or down-stay well enough yet to get him to actually stay where I place him. But that's what we paid Dr. Jamtgaard for, to give us a program to work on with Harley. Now I just need to put the program on a routine so that I'm doing it at least 3 times/day. That would add up to 12 sessions/day at a minimum (3 sit-stay; 6 orienting; 3 door practice). They are all so interrelated. I can definitely see where one leads into another. Since they are quick sessions (5-15 minutes) it won't take up all of my day either.

So what schedule should we get on? First let me say that it's not going to be a strict schedule but more of a guide for the day. We'll start off by getting up between 7:00 and 7:30am. He usually doesn't want to go out right away so we can begin working as soon as we get up and are awake. I want him to be working for his food. I'm cutting down on the treats and using kibble for the training so I can be sure that he's getting proper nutrition and not just snacks all day. He's only been on the Prozac for a couple of days but he seems to not have much of an appetite already. I know that will change as he adjusts to the Prozac.

Back to the schedule. Sit-stay and door exercises will be done at about 8am, 12pm and 4pm. We'll do orienting after each of those sessions in addition to doing orienting at 10am, 2pm and 6pm. I'm going to get in the habit of walking him 3x/day - morning, afternoon and late afternoon. Once I can get him walking okay around the neighborhood I can start thinking about bringing him up to Palmer Park. I'll be working with him on walking respectfully too. I will also try to add in 2 play times/day (fetch, tug, etc.). I'm just going to have to incorporate all of this into my days. Once I start school it will be a bit harder but I know that Harley and I can do this.

Hopefully when we are home, after his sessions, he'll be tired and just conk out so I can get some stuff done around the house (laundry, dishes, reading, homework). I want him to be out of his kennel as much as possible but I need him to have the ability to settle down so I can get things done. I have high hopes for Harley and for me. Sometimes I get nervous and worry about all the money I'm spending on Harley on evals, toys, chews and training and wonder if it will all pay off. I hope it will.

Well, I think it's time to go back to bed. After having a muffin or two that is. :-)