I finally did it

I gathered up all of Harley's stuff (toys, supplies, books, etc.) and put it on craigslist. I have people interested in most of the stuff. Now if I can just get them to schedule a time to come by I'll be in the money. It's sad selling off the final stuff but I know I need to do it. The problem is that I keep finding stuff that I missed when I was posting on craigslist. No big deal though. I'll just modify the ads or figure out something else to do with the stuff (like the pooper scooper bags, I'll give those to Lisa and the 101 Tricks book and the puppy magazine, I'll add those to the book ad). It's so bittersweet selling off the last of Harley's things. I'm glad that he's doing well though. I didn't send an email to Cindy this weekend asking how Harley is. I'll probably send one this week though.

I know that when we get pictures, that Harley will look happy. He's finally getting all the attention and training that he needs. That's critical to him being happy and well adjusted. I've been feeling kind of irresponsible for all of the money I had spent on Harley during the last 2 months. I was willing to spend the money but not be committed to working with Harley. That's water under the bridge though. I have to move on. It would be nice to get rid of all of the stuff still sitting around the house.

Yesterday I went and worked with my computer client again. If Harley would have been here I know I would have hesitated about going but I didn't have to take him into consideration. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. There is a lot of freedom in that.

That's all I can post tonight. I need to get back to bed.

Doing the right thing

It's such a bittersweet feeling knowing that Harley is doing well. David said that maybe if we had gone with Cindy's training that we could have kept Harley. That made me feel sad. I felt like even if Harley had been well behaved that it wouldn't have worked out but maybe I was wrong. I'm happy for Harley. I'm glad that he's playing with other dogs and getting to run around a lot. And it really is cool that he may become a demonstration dog. I just wonder if all these things that I'm getting to do now is worth giving Harley up. Yeah, it's great that I can take 4 classes this summer and that I could be out all day Monday to celebrate my birthday, but really does it mean more than having Harley? I don't know.

I guess that I'll have to make the most of my life to make giving Harley up worth all the pain. I am walking with Kitty 3x/week and I have signed up for summer classes so I'm moving forward. It just seems a little empty without a dog. I'm not only missing Harley but Huxley and Blitz too. I know I'll get another dog one day but not for a long time. Once I know that I have time for a dog and won't mind putting in a lot of effort then a dog can be a possibility but until then, I don't need to give away any more dogs. It just hurts too much.

Maybe one day I will be able to see Harley do a demonstration. I'd love to see him doing well. All I think about when I think of him is the biting. I'd like to have a more positive picture in my mind of Harley. I love him and I miss him but I know I've done the right thing. Doing the right thing often isn't easy but it has to be done anyway. It doesn't make it suck any less.

Harley is doing well

I sent Cindy an email asking about Harley. This is her response:

"Harley is doing well.  No more mouthing past the first day, gets along great with other dogs, he runs with dogs at our facility every day and loves it.  We don't have any pictures yet but will send some when we do. Harley is going to accompany one of our trainers to the Sit Means Sit School in Las Vegas and learn to be a demonstration dog, he is showing a lot of potential. We will keep you posted"

I'm glad to hear that he is doing so well. He needs the kind of life that he has right now. I'm so proud of him becoming a demonstration dog. He'll love all the attention and love he gets for being a good boy. Harley will get to visit Las Vegas before I do. LOL Lucky dog! I'm so glad that Cindy doesn't mind keeping me posted on how Harley is doing. It makes all of this so much easier. He never would have been a good dog with me. I didn't give him what he needed. Cindy is definitely making sure he gets what will make him a well adjusted dog. I'm so grateful to her. I feel a little bit sad knowing that Harley could actually get past the bad behavior and that maybe I gave up on him too soon. It's never easy for me to give up a dog. I don't ever want to give up another one though. It hurts too much.

I miss them all

I woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking about Harley. I didn't have any interaction with him during the night because he was such a good boy and didn't get up then but I miss him being down the hallway. Logically I understand that I am better off without Harley and that Harley is better off without me but emotionally I still miss him and think about him often. I'm going to send Cindy an email to ask how he is doing. Everyone once in a while I think about paying Cindy $1,000 (don't ask where I come up with that amount, I don't know) to get a well-adjusted Harley back. It's just a fantasy but I do think about it anyway. Not that I really want him back. I'm happy with things the way they are now. But there is often no sanity when missing someone.

I'm also missing Huxley and Blitz. If I had known then what I know now, I would still have them. They really are great dogs. I love watching the videos I have of them playing. They really were good girls. But I had issues with them too - cleaning up the yard was a yucky job, Blitz would wake me up every night by whining, they got into the kitchen trash can, etc. They were always happy to see me when I got home though. I loved my German Shorthaired Pointers. I feel so melancholy when I think of them. In the moment it seemed like the right thing to do, giving them up, but in hindsight it was a mistake.At least I know that they are taken care of very well. I wonder sometimes if either of them passed away, would I be told. Probably not, since they are not my dogs anymore. I wish that walking them and cleaning up after them wasn't such a chore to me. But that's why I gave them up - because they were more work than I wanted to do. it doesn't stop me from missing them though.


David was talking about Skooter and Moped last night, how he still misses them. I agreed. I still miss them too. I think back and realize what a great dog Skooter was. If I had only worked harder with Moped or given up just Moped and kept Skooter. I know that Skooter is a great dog. I'm sure his new family treasures him.

Sometimes I wonder if what I do with the dogs (always ending up giving them away) is some kind of commitment issue. I love them all dearly but I can't seem to make the 100% commitment that is needed when owning a dog. Why do I feel compelled to get dog after dog knowing that I'll just end up giving it away? I think sometimes that it is a sickness I have. I keep doing the exact same thing over and over again expecting a different result each time. I would have to know going into owning another dog that cleaning up the yard and walking the dog wouldn't be an issue. That both things would get done every day without it being a hassle. That's not the way it has worked out though. Five dogs in five years. Not a good record.

I cried for weeks after Huxley Buxley and Bllitzy Witzy were given up by me. I cried for one day with Harley's departure. I guess maybe I'm getting used to giving up my dogs. That's sad. I know I'll have a dog again one day but not during this season of my life. I need time right now to be able to study and work on me with Marianne. The dogs will always play a role in my life but not interfere with me living my life the way I choose to. School probably would have been possible with Huxley and Blitz though. They were good girls. But that wouldn't have helped when it came time to have to clean the yard up or walk them. I'm just not the right person for a dog. At least not at this stage of my life. Maybe one day though I can get a dog that has already been trained and walks well on a leash. I know it's just a dream, but I'll keep on dreaming it.

I guess that I need to move on from all of this. It's so hard to though because they all were good dogs. They had their issues but they were wonderful companions. I just didn't put the time into them that they  needed. That's why I don't have any dogs right now, just memories. What I wouldn't give to have Huxley and Blitz sleeping in bed with me again. Oh well. What's done is done.

A little sadness

I'm having a moment where I'm missing Harley. No particular reason why, just thinking of him. I know I'll have moments like this, probably forever, and that's okay. I don't mind missing him. I'd rather miss him than be angry at him for biting me. I'm sure he is doing well with Cindy. He really is a good boy, just too much energy for me. Kitty brought her dog Sammy on our walk this morning. I thought it would make me miss Harley but all I could think of is that he would have been a handful to try and walk up on the Mesa. Maybe it's contributing to this out of the blue sad feeling about Harley. It's not an overwhelming sadness just a pang of it. I am glad that I can do what I want each day. I'm able to go to school without worrying about not paying enough attention to Harley. Getting him a new home was the best thing for both of us.

Life without Harley

It's weird being without Harley. I think about him all the time but I don't miss the bad things about having him (biting, cleaning the yard, having to watch how long I'm out, etc.). I never realized just how ingrained he was in my every day life. There's not much that I can do that doesn't make me think of him. I am glad to know that he is doing okay. I'll probably check up on him again soon. David wanted to drive by where he might be living but I just couldn't do that. It would be too difficult. I don't want to cry over Harley anymore. I'm out walking again and enjoying my time outside and inside the house. It's sad but it's relieving to know that I don't have to consider Harley every waking moment. I do miss the cuddly little guy though. He wasn't a bad dog, just misguided in his "love" for me. I can't dislike him for loving me so much. But the biting really was something that I couldn't put up with anymore. I've also registered for classes for this summer because I know I'll be able to put my full attention into school without Harley here. Sometimes I think that I'm just telling myself these things so I won't miss him as much. Maybe I am but whatever it takes to get through this I'll do. I miss Harley.

email from Cindy

Cindy replied to my email:

"Harley is doing very well. We are working on teaching him self control. He loves to play with toys and is having a great time playing with the other dogs. He went to group classes today and did pretty well for his first time. Feel free to email or call any time."

I am glad to know that Harley is doing well. I know that self control is a major issue for Harley. That's why he was always biting me. I know that he loves his toys. It's good to see that Harley is getting along with the other dogs. Group classes will be great for Harley's socialization. I'm so thankful that Cindy is allowing me to keep tabs on Harley. I know that Harley will end up with the right person, whether it's Cindy or someone else.

I still have a lot of dog stuff that I need to put on craigslist. There are all of his toys and all of the stuff up in the kitchen cabinet. I hope I can at least make a few bucks on the stuff I have. Two of the leashes I bought were pricey and I'm hoping to get close to what I paid for them. I guess maybe I should list those on eBay.

Anyway it's good to know that Harley is doing well. I feel much better knowing that.

Wondering how Harley is doing

I sent an email to Cindy today asking how Harley is doing. David wants to know so I finally asked. I haven't heard back from her yet. While I was out today I saw more labs than I've ever seen before. There were tons of them. Oh well.

It's going to be okay

David just called to tell me that he isn't mad at me for giving up Harley. He must have been reading the Dog Blog. I'm glad that he's not mad at me. He said he's been quiet because he really misses Harley, that he loves Harley and this was harder than losing Skooter and Moped. I don't really know what to say. I feel bad too. It will take time but we'll both move on from this. David really wants to know how Harley is doing. I wonder how he is doing too. I just don't know that I want to contact Cindy to find out. I feel like I need to leave this alone, to let it be. Hanging on to it will only make it worse. I need to let go completely.

Anyway, it is still quiet and lonely in the house. It will take a while before it becomes my place again. I'm not thinking of Harley every single moment though and that's a good thing. The dogs out back are barking. Sometimes I wonder if they are calling Harley or missing him. Probably not. It's me that is missing him. I'm determined though to not let this ruin my day or the days to come. I love him, I miss him but I'm moving on with my life. He's in a good place and I'm sure he's getting lots of attention. Both Harley and I win in this situation. It's going to be okay.

Harley, Harley

Today was definitely a better day. I went walking with Kitty this morning. Of course, there were a lot of dogs up there, including labs, but I did okay. I did talk about Harley but it didn't make me sad. I came home and slept for a bit after our walk. It really tired me out. Then I went to see Marianne. We talked about me giving up Harley. I thought I would cry while I was in there but I didn't. I think I was too excited about making a reservation for a helicopter ride on my birthday to feel bad. When I got home I made my reservation for the flight and took in a package from my sister. She sent me a big box with presents. I'm excited to open it on Monday. So, my day was so full that I didn't have a lot of time to think about Harley. It wasn't until David got home that I started to feel bad. He's still not saying much to me. He just asked what I was doing and when I told him I was writing in the Dog Blog he shook his head and said "Why? We don't have a dog.". I think he's mad at me. He's going to have to get over it though because I did what was best for me. It has been nice to not have to worry about Harley every waking moment. I miss Harley but I don't miss how I felt with Harley. The stress level was just so high when he was here. I was always afraid he would start biting me. I haven't been bitten for 3 days now. I think that's a record.

I was wondering again about Harley though. I hope he is doing okay and is making progress. He really does deserve to be with someone who is not averse to training him. It seemed like a lot of work to me and I think that's a big part of why it didn't work for me and Harley. I do wonder where he is sleeping at night and if he does miss me. A part of me, a very small part, still wants to go get him and take him back but there is more of me that is okay with him being gone. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering about him. I still think about Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz and it's been a long time since I gave them up. I'll always miss my dogs.

David has gone to bed without saying anything to me. I know he is upset about Harley being gone. I'm upset about it too but I've got to move on. I can't stay stuck in grieving for Harley or the rest of them. They are all doing fine and I need to be okay too. I took Harley to the doggy daycare a while back when he was really frustrating me. Maybe he thinks he's at doggy day care again and that I'll come back and pick him up. Nah. He's a dog. He doesn't think that way. I hope that when I die that all the pets I've had in my lifetime will be in Heaven with me. That's what would make it Heaven.

So, it was an okay day. I'm still feeling sad and a bit lonely but I know I can get through this. I've done it before. That was one of the ways I knew that I was ready to give up Harley - it was more bearable to go through this than to have Harley biting me. And this is very painful. So I knew that I was ready to give him up. It was still difficult but it was necessary.

Now I can take my Huxley and Blitz stuffed animals out of the closet again. Harley was going after them and I didn't want him to ruin them. I think maybe I'll get a stuffed lab too. That way I can always have Harley here with me in spirit. He honestly is a good dog. He is loving and could be gentle. He just chose not to be gentle with me. But I still love him.

Difficult night

It hasn't been a good night. David and I haven't spoken a word for hours. I think we're both having a very difficult time with Harley being gone. Everything reminds of Harley. It seems like every commercial has a dog in it. There was even a dog doing a high five like we did with Harley. This is so hard.

Finally David said something. It wasn't about Harley though. It was about American Idol. I know he's hurting just as much as I am. It's probably hard for him to have to tell his friends that I got rid of yet another dog. They must think I'm mentally ill. Oh yeah, I am. LOL Seriously though, yesterday wasn't near as hard as today has been. Yesterday I felt more relief. But today there have just been too many reminders of Harley. Every time the dogs behind us are out I get teary eyed. When I come out of the bathroom I expect him to be there waiting for me. But he's not. I gave him up.

It doesn't feel like the right decision in this moment. I can't stop crying. I'm not sobbing just crying. I hate this part of giving up a dog. At some point it always feels like I did the wrong thing even though I know that I didn't.

David just went to bed. He told me he's having a hard time tonight. I knew he was. The house is just too quiet and too lonely. And the dogs out back are barking. I really can't believe that I did this to us again. I'm glad I have an appointment with Marianne tomorrow. I need to work through all this. I know it will be okay but it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Why have I done this so many times? Really, is there something wrong with me that I've done this 4 times with 5 dogs? I know I never intend to give them up. I know that I always think this will be the time it will work out but it never does. Life sucks without a dog. I wonder what Harley is doing tonight. Is he already in bed? Probably. Where is he sleeping? Is he okay? I know he doesn't feel like I do but I wonder if he misses me. I think I was closer to him and than any other dog I've ever had.

It's so hard at first because the only routine I've known involves Harley. There is lots of empty space in my day right now. And it hurts. The silence is overwhelming. I don't want a dog that bites me all the time but I really wish that Harley could have gotten over that with me. Would I have spent the money even if I had it? Probably. I hate giving up on them. I hate giving up on me. At some point I just don't feel capable any more. I wasn't doing everything with Harley that I could have. There was more that I could have done. But I also did put in an effort. Maybe not 100% but I was close. I loved him 100% though and I still do.

I know I'm rambling. I just need to do that tonight. I would rather have not ever posted in the Dog Blog again than have to post about giving up Harley. I hope that David will be able to forgive me for doing this. I hope I can forgive myself. At least I have things to do tomorrow (a walk with Kitty in the morning and an appointment with Marianne in the afternoon) so maybe it won't be as bad as it is right now. I know I'm going to be sad walking without Harley and I'll probably cry when I see Marianne so I guess I shouldn't expect tomorrow to be okay. But I have to keep moving on and moving through this grief. I'm crying for all my dogs tonight. Not just Harley.

Okay, I need to stop blogging so I can stop crying. I don't want to use up a whole box of tissues tonight. I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet, to face my bedroom without Harley in his kennel. I'll go in just a little while. The reality is just too hard to face right now.

I was going to post a picture but I don't have any with me and Harley. I have some video of him and me but no pictures. Why do I let that happen? I'm just be glad that I have a lot of pictures of him to comfort my broken heart.

Harley is gone :-(

Harley is gone. I reached my breaking point on Monday and called Cindy at Sit Means Sit. She was the only one who offered to take him. I called in the afternoon on Monday and she called me back within minutes and said that I could bring him to her house out in Black Forest. It was a very sad day. I love Harley and wish that I could have kept him but the biting was just too much for me. Everything I did every day revolved around Harley. I felt like I was suffocating with him. I have tears in my eyes already just thinking about him. Cindy seemed confident that she could work with Harley and she thinks that he is a great dog. He's just not great for me. I loaded up his food, treats, bison bones, Buster Cubes and Ultra Balls to take with him. I used one of the chain leashes when I let him out of the car. He seemed fine of course. He wasn't very happy at first to see me drive away but then they walked him toward the house and he seemed fine. I cried for the rest of the day.

I wondered what his first night was like away from me. Then the next day I wondered how he was doing at his new house. Cindy lives out in Black Forest with some land. I hope Harley is able to enjoy being there. Cindy may not be the one who keeps Harley. He might go with another trainer or a client. I know that wherever he ends up he will be very happy. Cindy thinks that she can get him to start behaving in a week or so. If I could have afforded it I would have done the training with them but I'm out of money and couldn't afford to spend any more money on Harley. I feel bad that money came into play but it wasn't the main reason for giving him up. I thought that having Harley was going to be a completely different experience than it ended up being. He was never the hiking buddy that I wanted which makes me sad.

It's only been 2 days since I let him go but for some reason today was really difficult. The house seemed so empty without him. It was just so quiet today. I wasn't getting up every five minutes to let him in and out. I'm relieved at all the things that I don't have to work around anymore but that does not lessen my sadness. I feel foolish that I have given up 5 dogs in as many years. I really had good intentions with all of them but I guess I'm just meant to not have a dog. I still would love to have one but it would have to be trained before I got it for it to work out.

Oh how I miss Harley, Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz. I am not over giving up any of them. I was foolish to think that it could work out with Harley. Hopeful, but foolish. I really intended that I would never give Harley up but I never counted on him biting me all the time. I hope that it was just me he is like that with and that whoever ends up with him will find his gentle side. He does actually have one.

So, here I sit, once again, crying over giving up my dog. Cindy said I could ask about him if I wanted but I think it's best if I just let him go. I don't know how it would make me feel if I hear that he is doing well. I think I would feel like I made a mistake and that he was salvageable. I'd rather just know that I've done the right thing for me and for Harley and leave it at that. David is having a very difficult time with this and I can't blame him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Harley like I did. I told Harley that I love him and that he would be okay. David wasn't home from work when I brought Harley to Cindy. David misses Harley greeting him when he gets home from work. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he's not attacking me and my shoes when I come in the house.

Harley was spending far too much time tethered or in his kennel. He also had started to tear up the bushes in the back yard. He was already digging along the fence but when he started digging up the bushes, that was kind of the final straw. I really, really hope that Harley will do okay with someone else. My only fear was that he would behave so badly that Cindy would want me to take him back. He's not that bad though. He really is a great dog. I just don't know how to handle a dog so that he or she is at her best. Harley made Huxley and Blitz look like a walk in the park. I still had issues with them though. Blitz was always waking me up at night and they were always getting into the trash. Oh well, that situation is over too. I need to move on.

Now it's time to build my life again. I know that The Dog Blog will continue because it will take a long time, if ever, to not miss all my dogs. And as ridiculous as it sounds maybe one day, years from now, I'll be at a place in my life where a dog would actually make sense. But I'm not anywhere near that point in my life right now. Now I can think about walking again and going back to school without worrying about leaving Harley for hours on end which just made him act worse. I hope it doesn't come across as me being selfish because that's not it at all. I did have Harley's interests in mind when I made my decision. I had sat and cried in Marianne's office for one hour before making the decision at Lisa's house to call Cindy. I thought I was feeling bad about my 50th birthday coming up on Monday like if I didn't celebrate it this year I would never have a reason to celebrate. I think what I was really feeling though was that if I didn't let go of Harley right now, I never would. That thought was overwhelming.

I wish that I didn't have to post this. I'm embarrassed and feel so bad that I've given up Harley. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel bad and sad. The tears will continue to come. I'm sure of that. At some point they will stop. I'm sure of that too. But in the mean time I'll just grieve over my loss. Again.

Spoke to Dr. J

Harley is doing his best to destroy the back yard. He has about 2/3 of the big bush out there torn out of the ground. I put his super large ball out there but he doesn't seem to have any interest in it. He'd rather pull up parts of the bush. I'm not sure how to get him to stop digging and destroying in the back yard.

I talked to Dr. J last night about Harley. She wants me to do some repetition work with Harley when he starts biting. I have to remove myself from the situation by going in another room for about a minute. If I come out and he goes after me again I have to go right back in the room. I have to do this 4-5 times or until he stops going after me. If he continues after 4-5 times then I need to go in the room for 5-10 minutes to let him deescalate his frustration. I can see that I'm going to be spending a lot of time walking down the hallway and sitting in my bedroom. But who knows, maybe he'll surprise me and get it the 1st or 2nd time.

My homework from Dr. J is to note how the above protocol is working and to write down what was going on just before he started biting. There may be something that is triggering him that is not completely obvious so I need to really pay attention to what is going on around us.

I felt better after talking to Dr. J. Having a plan helps reduce the stress. Dr. J also told me that it will be another 2 weeks or so before the Prozac begins to take effect. So, we play the waiting game but at least I have a protocol to use in the mean time.

Dr. J wants me to continue working on getting Harley to relax and getting him to sit-stay. I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by Harley already today.

Plotting and planning

It's 1am. I'm up and Harley is in bed sleeping (as he should be). I was thinking about my last blog entry and realized that I'm not showing a complete picture of Harley. He's more than just a dog who bites me. So today, Easter Sunday, I'm going to have David videotape me working with Harley so you can see how smart he is and how cute he can be. I don't want anyone to think that I'm just trying to highlight what is wrong with Harley. There's obviously more to it than that. So, we'll do a little video later today.

I'm hoping to get Harley out for a walk today. The weather is supposed to be nice, up near 60 degrees. Maybe David would consider going with us. I'm going to try to walk Harley over to the mailbox and back then walk him around the cul de sac a few times. I'm sure he would enjoy that. I'm hoping that Harley can have another good day today as far as the biting goes. He made it all the way until 4:41pm yesterday before he bit me. I was doing some reading on bite force and it said that Labradors have about 125 pounds of force in their bite. Pit bulls and Rotties are up in the 300's. So, I guess I'll keep telling myself that this could be much worse than it is.

I watched a few episodes of "It's Me Or The Dog" yesterday. The one thing I took away from it is that you have to work with the dog, you have to practice. The dog obviously won't learn what it isn't being taught. Follow up is key in this process and I haven't been following up very well. Harley will only improve if I put the time into working with him. Why pay an expert like Dr. J if I'm not going to follow the advice completely. I need to stop getting so frustrated with Harley. He will definitely pick up on my frustration and will feel frustrated himself. I need to have a positive attitude and show Harley that together we can do this. I know that the best thing I can do for Harley is to walk him. A tired dog is a good dog. It would be good for me to get out there and start walking too. I won't be able to just go up to Palmer Park and do the 40 minute loop right off. Taking some shorter walks with Harley will get me ready for going up there. It will get Harley ready to go up there too.

So, I need to work with Harley more consistently. It's not going to be an easy process and I will only get out of it what I put into it. It would not be fair to give Harley up without working with him and being committed to making this work. There are 3 things I need to keep in mind - 1. there are going to be expenses every month with Harley (Prozac, bison bones and treats) and that will just have to be a part of the budget 2. Harley can't do this on his own, I have to do this with him and 3. I need to give the Prozac time to work. I'm willing to do all of those things to try to make the situation with Harley better.

I didn't get to talk to Dr. J last night. She got home late (around 9pm) and emailed and asked if we could talk tonight instead. I told her that would be fine. I feel I can benefit from having the extra time to gather my thoughts and write down some questions or thoughts that I have. I need to remember that I paid Dr. J for this service and I need to take advantage of the follow up time that she includes with the evaluation/diagnosis. I need to stop feeling like I'm in this all on my own because I am not. I have David, Dr. J, Lisa and Marianne to help me weather this storm. I could ask Lisa if she would walk Woody with me and Harley a couple times a week. I need to get Harley socialized. He's been too isolated these last few months that he's been out of training. I need to have him in controlled situations where he can succeed. I'm sure Lisa would love to get Woody out there and spend some time with me. I certainly would enjoy spending time with her.

I'm also going to ask Marianne if I can drop by her office at least once a week for just a few minutes to let Harley get used to her and her office. I'd like to do the same thing with Lisa. I'd like to stop by her house so Harley gets used to being in different environments. He's probably acting out as much as he does because he is so bored with spending all of his time with just me. I'm going to ask David if he would take Harley for a walk without me once a week. Just a quick walk over to the mailboxes and back. I need Harley to get used to being without me so that his separation anxiety can lessen. And I need to be contacting Dr. J at least 3x/week just to let her know how things are progressing. I can't believe that a month has already gone by since she did the evaluation. We have 2 more months of follow up and I intend to use that time to it's fullest.

I'm thinking that I might also be able to get Kitty and Sammy to meet up with Harley and me for a walk each week. I would love the opportunity to spend more time with Kitty anyway. Sammy is well behaved and maybe Harley can learn from Sammy and Woody how to settle down and be a polite dog. So there's a lot that I can do to help this situation improve with the support of my friends.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do about school. It's not what anyone else wants me to do but what I truly would like to do for me. Harley obviously fits into my decision so what happens over the next month will have an impact whether I keep Harley or not. What I really want to do is to take online classes and to go to campus for 1 class. That way I'm getting the best of both worlds. There is no way I could sit at school all day or leave Harley all day. Especially not right now. Classes start June 1st so I have plenty of time to work with Harley and Dr. J to make this situation better. I'm thinking of taking 4 classes, 3 online and 1 on campus. It would be a lot but I think that I really need it to get the structure and routine back into my life. Harley can only benefit from that.

Now it's 2am. I should be getting back to bed. I'm glad I took time though to think about all of these things. I can start putting this all into action later this morning by taking Harley for a walk.

Harley is really growing as you can see in this picture I took today (April 3, 2010).

Here's a video of Harley biting my arm. Usually I would get up and walk away but I just wanted to show what it is that he is doing.

Here's another video of me getting Harley to sit, using treats, after he has started jumping on me and biting me. He went after me again when he thought I was going to get my shoes out of the closet.

He made it until 4:41pm

Well, we made it to 4:41pm before Harley bit me. So he's tethered right now. He bit down really hard on my arm. I tried to get him to sit but he wouldn't. I got up and walked away from him. He came after me, jumped on me and started biting me. Not good. But he's laying down now and is settled. I'll let him off the tether in a few minutes. I need him to relax first and then I can try again. He was doing so well. I'm really proud of him for how long he went today without biting me. I wonder how many PSI his jaw exerts on my arm. It sure does hurt. At least he didn't break the skin.

Quiet day

I hesitate to blog about this for fear that I will jinx it but Harley hasn't bit me once today. And it's 3pm! I'm not sure what's going on but he hasn't tried biting me at all. He's either been outside or laying down inside. What a peaceful day this has been.

I got an email from Dr. J and she is going to call me this afternoon. I've gone back through the paperwork she sent me and reread the handouts on Separation Anxiety and Changing Attention Seeking Behavior. I think that I have been trying to do too much with Harley at one time. I need to focus on just a few things and not overwhelm him or me. Until I can get him to behave the majority of the time it's pointless to try to get him to do the Sit-Stay Program or to try to take him for walks. I want to work on getting him to relax and to understand that he will not get what he wants until I am ready to give it to him and he will have to do something to get it (sit-stay, down-stay).

It's so strange to have him acting like a regular dog today. I don't know what to make of it.

I'm looking forward to talking to Dr. J. I want to talk to her about doing too many things at one time (which I believe has been my mistake not her telling me to do that). I get anxious to get things going and I tend to jump in with both feet without looking when it comes to a project. And Harley is a project. So I think I've put too much on me and Harley and I need to slow down now and start from the beginning. This past week I haven't done anything with Harley because I was so frustrated with him biting me and going after me. The only thing I did was tether him when he was in the house and not in his kennel. The weather has been nice so he's been outside a lot. He hasn't been tethered 24/7. I haven't had to tether him at all today. Maybe the Prozac is starting to work. Who knows? I'm just grateful to not have to fend him off all day long. The biting is annoying but just having to keep him away from me all the time is so time consuming and frustrating.

There are so many things I'd like to be able to do without Harley interfering (reading, playing on the laptop, emptying or filling the dishwasher, doing laundry, cooking, etc.). I want to be able to get to a point with him that I tell him to stay and he does until I release him. I'm going to have to ask Dr. J what exactly I should be doing and in what order should I be doing it. I know some things have to be done concurrently but I don't think I'm supposed to be doing it all right now. Or if I am, it's not working and I need to come up with a new plan of attack.

The things I'd like to work on are 1. Separation Anxiety 2. Changing Attention Seeking Behavior 3. Relaxation and 4. working to get the gentle leader on him. That only will keep us very busy. I don't want to feel like every waking moment of my life is centered on Harley. I know I have to put in the time and effort to make changes but I feel like I have given up my life completely for him. That's not completely Harley's fault either. He is an attention seeker but I think I just pay too much attention to him making the situation worse than it could be.

Harley has been tearing apart our bushes in the back yard. He's dragged pieces of them all over the yard. His digging is quite noticeable along the fence. If he finds anything he can tear up, he does. And he stole another toy from the dogs behind us. It must have been right up by the fence and he was able to get under the fence and pilfer it. I'm going to have to give some of Harley's toys that he can't play with to them.

I know that part of our problem is that we aren't in any kind of a routine but with the advent of classes starting in June I'll need to start getting into a routine now so I'll be prepared by the time I start school. Part of that routine will have to involve walking and training with Harley. I know that every moment is an opportunity to train but I'm talking about specific training sessions. I think that both Harley and I will benefit from a routine.

I can't believe he is still sleeping. This is so unusual. But nice.

I've decided that I'm going to work with Harley for the month of April and if I don't see any progress then I'm going to find someone to take him. I'm not expecting miracles but I do expect things to change somehow during the next month. I think I'm being realistic (if I'm not, I'm sure someone will tell me). The Prozac will have had time to take effect, we'll be on a routine for a month and we should be able to start walking again. All of those things should make a noticeable difference in Harley. I still have hope that I'll be able to take him up to Palmer Park for walks and to Lisa's and Marianne's for visits. I also think that he'll be able to get along with other dogs and not play so rough. I know this will all take time but if I don't see some forward progress in the next month I am going to let him go.

I know that I have to make a complete commitment to this again and not give up just because it's time consuming and difficult. Things should also be easier with the nice weather coming. I'll be able to get him out more walking and he'll want to be out in the yard more too. I feel bad that I had given up on Harley this past week but I'm not going to clobber myself over the head about it. I'm going to just start from today and do my best. I know that Harley has it in him to be a great dog. I just have to figure out how to draw that out of him. I guess he'll have to "figure out" how to draw it out of me too.

It's funny the way things work out

Harley remains tethered most of the day because of his biting. I try to get him outside as much as possible so he's not tethered as much. The weather has been nice so he's been enjoying being outside. I went out in the yard with him yesterday. I was cleaning up the yard and he was trying to help by getting under my feet. lol He did go after my shoes while I was out there but it wasn't the whole time I was out there.

I continue to give Harley his Prozac daily. I haven't noticed any change though. I don't think the DAP collar is having any effect at all. He still doesn't like it when I leave the house. He whines and screeches when I go to put my shoes on. I think he settles down as soon as I leave though. I've listened from the garage and he doesn't bark the whole time I'm gone. He's always fine when I get home too. I keep him in his kennel for about 15 minutes so he can get used to me being home without jumping all over me or going after my shoes.

I always have good intentions when I get a dog and believe I've made a commitment to the dog but I'm realizing that my commitment does not last. I think that maybe I just shouldn't own a dog. I love Harley and I love his companionship (when he's not biting!) but I don't love all the things I have to do to take care of him (cleaning the yard, working with him all the time, taking him for walks, etc.). I let my emotions get the best of me and convinced myself that I couldn't live without a dog. I believe that I was wrong. I do think I could live without a dog. There are of course things that I would miss about Harley but there would be more things that I don't miss.

I know anyone reading this must think that I'm a crazy person when it comes to dogs. And maybe I am. Like I said though, I have good intentions. They just don't pan out for me. I keep asking myself what the point of having a dog is if he's always in his kennel, outside or tethered. There is no relationship in this type of situation. I'm just feeling more distant from Harley. Some people think that he will just grow out of this biting thing but I don't know that I want to wait that long. Maybe he'd be just fine with someone else. I don't know.

At least Harley doesn't act up while he's tethered. I know he doesn't like it but he's not going crazy to get off the tether. And because I'm using the chain leash he's not able to break the leash. He must be getting bored because he started chasing his tail. I'm going to let him out so he can play in the yard. Well he doesn't want to go outside but he's occupied with chewing on a bone so I'll leave him off the tether.

I've either got to put 100% into this situation with Harley or I need to give him up to someone who will put in 100% with him. It's not fair to me or to Harley to not put in the effort. I guess I'm just feeling beaten down this week because of all the biting. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and it's trying to be mean. I know he's just trying to get my attention in the only way he knows how at this point. He is getting better about sitting in front of me instead of just biting me right away. So maybe there is some progress. It's hard to see when you're in the middle of something like this.

I think that David wouldn't be very happy if I gave Harley up. I know he wants me to keep working with Harley but he's not the one who is getting bitten. I am. And he's not the one who has to work with Harley 24/7. I am. I wanted a companion dog not a high maintenance puppy. I guess I should have thought it through even more than I did before getting Harley. I know I was just missing Huxley and Blitz and wanted to heal that hurt and Harley did heal my broken heart but now he's breaking my heart. It's funny the way things work out.

I know in my heart and my head what I want to do but I'm just afraid of giving up on this too soon. I think I need to do something though before it gets totally out of hand. It could get to a point that Harley isn't manageable at all and I don't want that to happen. There is no good outcome with that scenario. I need to talk to David and see where he is with this. I know that I'm the one who has to make the decision since I am Harley's caretaker but not being quite sure how David feels about the whole Harley situation makes it harder to make a decision. I guess I just want and need some support no matter what I end up doing.