Eventually

I cried for about 2 hours last night. I cried my eyes out. I cried out for my girls. I needed to cry. Now, for the most part, the crying is over with. I was able to come into the house twice and not have the girls there and I did okay. When we took a nap the cats slept with us. Last night we all slept better, including the cats. I'm glad the cats are behaving. For as long as we have them, they need to not be a bother. It's snowing out today and I don't have any dogs tracking snow into the house and then jumping on my bed. That's a good thing. Of course, Huxley and Blitz being lazy dogs, they would probably be in bed most of the day. I hope they are doing okay down at the Rescue. I really do worry about them, not that they won't be taken care of, I know Kris is wonderful with the dogs but it's just a 'mom' worrying about her furry kids. David misses them too. I think he thought he wouldn't miss them, but he does. But honestly, I feel so much relief knowing that they will eventually have better homes. And now I can focus on getting my life back on track.

We still haven't heard anything about a service for Bonnie or Zach. Honestly, now, I'd rather not have to attend a service. I'm wanting to move on. I don't know if that's inconsiderate or not. Maybe it's just another part of the grief process. I think a person can only take so much sadness at one time before defense mechanisms start working.

Anyway, I hope that Huxley and Blitz will be okay. Eventually I'll be okay without them.

Alone

David has to work hockey tonight and I don't have any dogs to take care of. What will I do with all my time? I'm amazed at just how much time I spent focusing on the dogs and how much 'free' time I have today. Most of it is 'brain time'. I think about them a lot. I keep looking out the door thinking they are waiting to be let in. But there are no dogs there. They are at the Rescue, so far away from me. I want to cry but I don't even know what I'm crying about. I wanted them to go, so why am I so upset? Why do I want to go get them? I'm not a good dog owner. It's selfish for me to keep two dogs that need walks and activity when I'm not willing to give them what they need. I'm angry at Bonnie and Zach. If they hadn't died maybe I would have kept the dogs. I need to stop thinking this way. I am better off without them and they are better off at the Rescue waiting for more appropriate homes. I don't have the energy or time to take care of two large dogs in such a small house. But I miss them. I'm afraid they won't get a home together. I'm not sure how they would do without each other. They've never known anything but being together.

I was thinking earlier today about all the things that Huxley and Blitz would share with us: carrots, apples, bananas, PB&J sandwiches, cheeseburgers. Really just everything. If we ate it they wanted to try it. I of course didn't give them anything that would hurt them or make them sick. Blitz does have a sensitive stomach so I didn't share as much with her. But my Huxley was my treat girl. Whether it was dog treats or human treats, Huxley was up for it. I feel bad that I didn't video tape them more often. Especially when Huxley would back herself up to sit on the rug for a treat. I'd always say 'beep, beep, beep' like a vehicle backing up. I'm sad that I don't have a video of that. But I do have some videos that I will always enjoy. I think the last one I took was of Huxley wriggling around on the floor, then shaking her ears. It is so cute.

I always feel better when I post on the Dog Blog. It makes me feel closer to all of my dogs. David was actually already talking about another dog some day. I just can't even think of it. Yesterday, when we were on the road, I swear I was seeing dogs everywhere - being walked, in cars, in the back of trucks, just everywhere. I guess it will be like that for a while.

Anyway, I feel alone tonight without my girls.

Missing Huxley and Blitz

I miss everything about them. This morning I woke up without them in bed. I got a bowl of cereal and there was no Huxley there to give a cheerio to. I made a PB&J sandwich for David and for me and I was able to put his on the table without watching it. No dogs to get it. I don't have to put the trash up to keep them out of it. We went to the store for the newspaper and when we came home there was no one to greet me at the door. That's probably the hardest part of all of this. I think about them and wonder what they are doing down at the Rescue. Did they make it through the night okay? They're not used to sleeping out in a heated garage in a kennel. They are used to hogging my bed and stealing my covers. It's kind of cool out today. I wonder if they are outside all day. They probably really like being with other dogs. That should be fun for them. I want to think that they miss me. I'm sure they'd be happy to see me. But then again, they're happy to see anyone. Stupid dogs.

I know I will stop missing them so much. I know I will be able to sleep throughout the night without them one night. But for now I miss them and it's hard to sleep without them. The cats are enjoying the dogs being gone. Every time we lay down, they are there with us. I think they missed doing that. But they are going to go too. I can't play favorites.

Their paw prints out on the deck have melted away. I looked to see if even just one remained, but the imperceptible warmth of this cold day has melted them away. I have their pictures looping on my screen saver. It catches me off guard when Huxley's fuzzy face comes up on the screen.

But they are dogs. And I have family and friends to tend to now. I want to go down to the Rescue and take them home, but I know I'd just be in the same mess I've been in for over a year. They are dogs and they can't keep me from doing the right things.

I was thinking about Bonnie and Zach today. Their deaths. I was thinking about how difficult it has been to have the dogs gone for just a day, how much I cry. I don't know that I was near as upset about Bonnie's death or Zach's as I am about the dogs being gone. I know it's because the dogs were in my life every minute of the day and Bonnie and Zach weren't. I know I don't care more about dogs than people. But it's safer to miss the dogs. I don't want to think of what it would be like to miss a person this much. Feeling this kind of emptiness hurts.

I could talk about what I remember about the dogs all day long. But I need to get past this hurt. I can finally see some blue sky and the sun is peeking out. I guess everything will be okay.

Horrible night

Having the cats in the bedroom was almost worse than having dogs in there. They walked all over me and because of my fibromyalgia it really hurt. I should have locked them out of the bedroom last night. I'm going to try to do that tonight. One or both of them is always in my lap when I'm out in the living room. I feel more trapped than I did with the dogs. They really need to go and soon. I have a lot of the same issues with the cats that I did with the girls. I'm worried about them being up on the counters and knocking drink glasses over. Paulie is on my legs and Minnie is staring out the back door. It's like the dogs have never been here for the cats. I'd like to bring them down to the Humane Society today but David has hockey tonight and won't want to do it. I guess I could do it myself.

Every little thing that I do in my day reminds me of the dogs. I was always so aware of them. Anything I got to eat they had some of - like honey nut cheerios, apple ends, bananas and cheese. They loved getting a bite of everything. And when I woke up, I missed the girls right away. There are some positives though. It's cold out today and I don't have to open the back door for the girls to go out. I don't have to worry about Blitz messing up the bed.

I can't think about this anymore right now. I'm feeling sad.

Today it is the Life Blog

It all started in the summer of 2005 when we got Skooter. The good times and the bad times. In the winter of that year we moved up to our "mountain home" in Woodland Park. Not only did Skooter come with us but Dyrk and his family came too. It was ideal living with the kids and grandkids up there and Skooter just rounded it all out so nicely. We gave up Skooter once while we were up there. Sent him back to his breeder because I just couldn't handle him. He wasn't a bad dog, I was a bad owner. I thought that was the saddest day of my life when I didn't have Skooter. Turns out it wasn't.

By mid-summer we had lost our home to foreclosure and our financial security to bankruptcy. The kids had gone back to Wisconsin. We still had Skooter but it seemed so lonely without the rest of the family. So in the summer of 2006, just after Skooter turned a year old, we added Moped to our family. I know, this is all ancient history, but I need to talk about it today. It was a joy having the two of them. At least for a while. Then is was nothing but chaotic for me. They were high energy dogs and I was a low energy person. It just didn't work. Again, not bad dogs but a bad owner. Anyway, we kept that as long as we could. Then I contacted the GSP Rescue down in Penrose and asked if they could be surrendered to the Rescue. I couldn't believe I was giving up my boys. But I did. I knew it was better for them to find homes separately. Together they were a force to be reckoned with. And we just couldn't even think of giving up just one of them. The guilt probably would have never left me had we done that. So we took both Skooter and Moped down to the Rescue so they could find more appropriate homes. It literally took me months to spend just one day not crying about giving them up. It was the most horrible period in my life.

Then Kris called and talked us in to fostering two 7 year old female GSP's that needed a home. I didn't really want to do the dog thing again, but keeping them for just a short time would be okay. So on 4/15/2007 we had Huxley and Blitz come and live with us. For the next year I battled depression. I got a part time job but had to quit because of fatigue and pain and it was difficult leaving the girls for almost 5 hours a day. They were going crazy being left home alone. So from the day we got them until now, it's just been a back and forth about whether to keep them. I knew it wasn't the best thing for me and once we found out David had allergies, it kind of closed the door on keeping them. But we did keep them for a year and a half because the Rescue couldn't take them.

Tabby, our 15 year old cat, died in April 2008. She had to be put down because she had hyperthyroidism and was dying. I didn't want her to suffer so we did the humane thing.

And that brings us to today 11/28/2008. Well, actually 8 days ago. On November 20th my friend from DBT Group, Bonnie, killed herself. She was 43 years old. Learning about her death was horrible especially knowing the way her life ended. It reminded me of when my brother had committed suicide 22 years ago. It's always so senseless and leaves everyone behind dealing not only with grief but with so much guilt and so many questions. The day after Bonnie died, all of us from DBT Group went out to Jeanne's house to tell her the terrible news (she had missed Group Thursday night). We went out East where she lives and told her and cried with her and mourned with her.

I thought that coming home to the dogs and the cats would be a comfort but it turned out to be a burden. I had to worry about how long I was gone and when David would be home so the dogs wouldn't be left alone for too long. I wanted to think about Bonnie but I had to worry about the dogs. And when a person puts an end to their life it makes you wonder about your own life. I realized that I wasn't happy being a pet owner. My house was always a mess, full of pet hair, and the carpet was ruined. I couldn't have friends over anymore because of the way the house looked and smelled. And it just wasn't fair to the dogs. I never took them for walks and they only had a small yard to run around in. Even though they are lazy dogs and sleep a lot, they are GSP's and just have tons of energy. I didn't want my life in pause anymore because of the dogs and cats. But when I asked Kris about taking them (yet again) she said there was no room at the doggy inn. So we decided again to keep them.

One week to the day after Bonnie killed herself our nephew, Zach, who was only 23, died from an aggressive form of leukemia. He had only been diagnosed 2 weeks ago. We never went up to see him in the hospital because we couldn't leave the girls for that long. And we just couldn't afford to take them to a day care. So Zach died and we didn't get to say goodbye. I haven't been able to say goodbye to Bonnie either. She was buried out of state and I don't know when or if they will have a Memorial Service for her here in town.

You just don't understand the word 'closure' very well until you don't have it. So my friends intervened and helped me do what I could not do on my own, especially at a time of so much loss already - they took the girls down to the Rescue today. With all the family stuff that will going on up in Lakewood, we'd have to constantly be making arrangements for the dogs and honestly I'm just too tired and too devastated to worry about dogs and cats. So Kitty and Lisa came by this morning, picked up the girls and headed to the Rescue. David and I left town when the left. I had a couple pictures of them that I tucked into my bag. I didn't even have to look at the pictures. Their wonderful faces were clear in my mind. Lisa called while we were out and told me that they had surrendered Huxley and Blitz. My heart broke. Like with Skooter and Moped, I knew it was the best thing for everyone involved, but that didn't keep my heart from being torn apart.

And I felt guilty for crying more for my dogs than I did for Bonnie or Zach. Or maybe it was an accumulation of the last 3 1/2 years - the mountain home, the finances, Skooter, Moped, Bonnie, Zach and now the girls. Maybe I'm mourning all my losses today. Ronda has lost her son and I'm crying about dogs. All I can do is shake my head.

Lisa said that dogs should enhance your life not take it over. Well, that's what Huxley and Blitz did. They took over my life. I was nothing but a glorified pet sitter. Don't get me wrong. I love them both so much, but I haven't slept through the night since we've had them. I couldn't enjoy a snowy or rainy day because I knew they'd be tracking it all into the house. And forget about sleeping late - Blitz always woke me up in the morning even though she'd already been out during the night.

So, I haven't been happy for a long time. I wish the girls would have added to my life instead of taking away from it. I would have kept them. But when you're staring death in the face twice in 8 days, you really start to put things into perspective. They are dogs. Our family and friends are what really matter. And my happiness matters too. I don't want to be a doggy door man anymore. All I want to do is grieve over all the people, pets and things that I've lost since 2005. I want to cry and not have to get up to let the dogs out. I want to sleep and not be woken up by the dogs. I want to go and mourn my nephew and my friend without worrying about what I'm going to do with the dogs.

I think that both David and I knew that we never should have taken in dogs again after giving up Skooter and Moped. That loss was just too devastating. But we tried with Huxley and Blitz. I know I tried so hard. But I'm just too sad right now to deal with dogs and cats. I want my house back. I want to be able to have friends over to help me get through being sad. I want to have a life again. My calling isn't to open a Rescue; it's too live a happy life with David.

Bonnie killed herself. Zach up and died. And the girls went to the Rescue today. Not so much a good week. I don't feel like celebrating the holidays and birthdays we have in December (and there are a lot of them) but I know that's where my life is - with my family and friends. The pain of giving up Huxley and Blitz will diminish one day. I know that because the pain of giving up Skooter and Moped has diminished. It hasn't completely left and I don't expect that it ever will. But one day, hopefully not too far off in the future, I can be happy again.

Bonnie, Zach and Tabby are with God. Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz are where they belong for now too. One day we will all be together again. I know we will, because I can't believe anything less.

It snowed last night. The girls had gone out into the back yard and left their paw prints in the snow on the deck. I couldn't help but cry when I saw their paw prints melting away. So much has melted away this past week. Now it is time for tears again. And time to get back to my life.