Harley is gone :-(

Harley is gone. I reached my breaking point on Monday and called Cindy at Sit Means Sit. She was the only one who offered to take him. I called in the afternoon on Monday and she called me back within minutes and said that I could bring him to her house out in Black Forest. It was a very sad day. I love Harley and wish that I could have kept him but the biting was just too much for me. Everything I did every day revolved around Harley. I felt like I was suffocating with him. I have tears in my eyes already just thinking about him. Cindy seemed confident that she could work with Harley and she thinks that he is a great dog. He's just not great for me. I loaded up his food, treats, bison bones, Buster Cubes and Ultra Balls to take with him. I used one of the chain leashes when I let him out of the car. He seemed fine of course. He wasn't very happy at first to see me drive away but then they walked him toward the house and he seemed fine. I cried for the rest of the day.

I wondered what his first night was like away from me. Then the next day I wondered how he was doing at his new house. Cindy lives out in Black Forest with some land. I hope Harley is able to enjoy being there. Cindy may not be the one who keeps Harley. He might go with another trainer or a client. I know that wherever he ends up he will be very happy. Cindy thinks that she can get him to start behaving in a week or so. If I could have afforded it I would have done the training with them but I'm out of money and couldn't afford to spend any more money on Harley. I feel bad that money came into play but it wasn't the main reason for giving him up. I thought that having Harley was going to be a completely different experience than it ended up being. He was never the hiking buddy that I wanted which makes me sad.

It's only been 2 days since I let him go but for some reason today was really difficult. The house seemed so empty without him. It was just so quiet today. I wasn't getting up every five minutes to let him in and out. I'm relieved at all the things that I don't have to work around anymore but that does not lessen my sadness. I feel foolish that I have given up 5 dogs in as many years. I really had good intentions with all of them but I guess I'm just meant to not have a dog. I still would love to have one but it would have to be trained before I got it for it to work out.

Oh how I miss Harley, Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz. I am not over giving up any of them. I was foolish to think that it could work out with Harley. Hopeful, but foolish. I really intended that I would never give Harley up but I never counted on him biting me all the time. I hope that it was just me he is like that with and that whoever ends up with him will find his gentle side. He does actually have one.

So, here I sit, once again, crying over giving up my dog. Cindy said I could ask about him if I wanted but I think it's best if I just let him go. I don't know how it would make me feel if I hear that he is doing well. I think I would feel like I made a mistake and that he was salvageable. I'd rather just know that I've done the right thing for me and for Harley and leave it at that. David is having a very difficult time with this and I can't blame him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Harley like I did. I told Harley that I love him and that he would be okay. David wasn't home from work when I brought Harley to Cindy. David misses Harley greeting him when he gets home from work. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he's not attacking me and my shoes when I come in the house.

Harley was spending far too much time tethered or in his kennel. He also had started to tear up the bushes in the back yard. He was already digging along the fence but when he started digging up the bushes, that was kind of the final straw. I really, really hope that Harley will do okay with someone else. My only fear was that he would behave so badly that Cindy would want me to take him back. He's not that bad though. He really is a great dog. I just don't know how to handle a dog so that he or she is at her best. Harley made Huxley and Blitz look like a walk in the park. I still had issues with them though. Blitz was always waking me up at night and they were always getting into the trash. Oh well, that situation is over too. I need to move on.

Now it's time to build my life again. I know that The Dog Blog will continue because it will take a long time, if ever, to not miss all my dogs. And as ridiculous as it sounds maybe one day, years from now, I'll be at a place in my life where a dog would actually make sense. But I'm not anywhere near that point in my life right now. Now I can think about walking again and going back to school without worrying about leaving Harley for hours on end which just made him act worse. I hope it doesn't come across as me being selfish because that's not it at all. I did have Harley's interests in mind when I made my decision. I had sat and cried in Marianne's office for one hour before making the decision at Lisa's house to call Cindy. I thought I was feeling bad about my 50th birthday coming up on Monday like if I didn't celebrate it this year I would never have a reason to celebrate. I think what I was really feeling though was that if I didn't let go of Harley right now, I never would. That thought was overwhelming.

I wish that I didn't have to post this. I'm embarrassed and feel so bad that I've given up Harley. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel bad and sad. The tears will continue to come. I'm sure of that. At some point they will stop. I'm sure of that too. But in the mean time I'll just grieve over my loss. Again.