Just one more time

We went up to the mountain home today. It was a beautiful drive. I thought it would take my mind off of Skooter, going for a drive. It didn't. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. He's probably gone to his new home by now. I feel that I will never get over this terrible feeling of emptiness. I know that no one else truly cares about me going on about this for so long, but I just need to get it all out. The absence of Skooter was the elephant in the room on the whole drive. Neither of us really could talk about him without fear of crying. I have to admit that I did cry a little bit on the way up the mountain.

Going to the old house was emotional too. Doggy nose prints on the windows, the stray dog toy in the yard, and remembering Skooter running around the property, with no tie out. And the dog kennel. So many reminders of him. I kept asking myself if there was anything I could have done to keep them. I had to convince myself that the answer was, no, there wasn't anything I could have done to keep them. But in my heart I fear it is yes and I've missed my opportunity with Skooter and Moped. The only thought that consoles me and only in a minor way, is that one day I will have GSP's again. Harley and Vespa. But it will feel like such a betrayal to Skooter and Moped. Now is certainly not the time to be thinking of another dog, but it's hard to be without a dog at all.



So many sad memories today. So much heartache. I don't want to stop the Dog Blog because it will mean that I have stopped thinking about Skooter. And that hasn't happened yet.



I still can't rid of the package that came in the mail after we took them to the Rescue (the seat belt restraints and the seat cover). I think I will keep it until we get another dog, no matter how long that is. And I don't think I will open it until then either. It will just sit as a reminder of what I have done. Giving up a dog is not an easy thing. I look at the GSP Rescue site and can't imagine how all of the people have just abondoned their dogs. It is so sad. I consider getting our future dog(s) at the Rescue. Why bring another puppy into the house when there is a loving dog just waiting for a home.

I wish I had done a better job of saying goodbye to them. Maybe that would have made all of this easier. I don't know. This day has been so much harder than I imagined it would be. So much harder. I wish that the cats rushing to the door when we got home would take away some of the ache, but it does not. How could I have done this to them? No, how could I have done this to us? I certainly didn't go into this thinking that I wasn't committed forever. I try to tell my self that it is beyond my control, due to unforseen circumstances. But it doesn't matter. It still hurts like hell.


I can't believe how much this hurts. I can't believe that I'm crying this much. My head hurts from feeling so intensely. I just want the pain to stop. I can't think of anything to do to console myself. It's only been a month but it feels like a lifetime since I've seen Skooter and Moped. What I wouldn't give to kiss their fuzzy faces just one more time. Just one more time.