Almost, but not quite

I didn't post at all yesterday. I was doing my best to NOT think about Skooter and Mooped. But I had to have something to fill the hole that is in my heart, something to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped's leaving. I couldn't just stop thinking about them, I had to find a distraction. And I found one.

I spent the entire day yesterday tracking down available puppies for sale. I talked to people in California and in Kansas City. I emailed with people in Ohio and Indiana. I was all over the place. I received telephone calls telling me about how wonderful the puppies were, and they were, and emails of pictures to prove what sweet darlings all of them are. I actually, in one day, had it narrowed down to tow puppies, the one in Kansas City (10 weeks old) and the one in California (four months old)

When lightning strikes me I move at a blazing speed. Nothing or no one will get in my way once I have an idea in my head. And if the idea is getting another dog, all the more effort I will put into it because I'm missing Skooter and Moped so much and don't want to deal with it. I hadn't really put any thought into what would happen once I got another dog, I just needed to convince myself that getting another dog would ease my pain.

But once I had 'settled' on a pup, I was plagued by second thoughts. Was it right to get another dog when I just gave two perfectly good dogs up for adoption? Would I end up surrendering this dog too because I'd make a poor and hasty decision? Was getting a TFT a good idea to begin with? Toy breeds are more fragile than regular breeds. Could I deal with having a fragile dog? Did I really want to subject myself to the kind of stress I felt when I had Skooter and Moped (and I dearly love them!)? Were we picking the right breed and dog for us? So many damn quesions. But they had to be answered and answered quickly. If I was going to make a decision, and that was the path I had put myself on, I needed to make it quickly.

I decided against the TFT. There were too many issues that I could forsee with a toy breed. The puppies being offered were wonderful and cute as buttons, but that didn't change the fact that they were a toy breed and there are inherient issues with getting a toy breed (they are fragile, they have to be watched carefully, they have to be watched closely when around other, bigger dogs, and a hawk or an owl could literally swoop down and pick them up as a meal! These were just a few of the things that I considered. In the end, as cute as the dogs are and as wonderful as they appear, I had to decide against a TFT. It just didn't feel right. There was something getting in the way.

So next I turned my attention to chocolate lab puppies. I got the newspaper out and had David look up all the chocolate lab ads. It was 9:30 at night so I couldn't make any phone calls to check out puppies. And thank goodness it was late and I couldn't call. Had I called, I may have decided on a puppy on the spur of the moment, forgetting that I need to get any puppy we're thinking of temperament tested.

That's when some realizations hit me. How would I feel bringing another dog into the family so soon after surrendering Skooter and Moped? What would people think, and rightly so, about me getting another puppy go quickly? Was I setting myself up for another loss? Did I really want a puppy or just something to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped? Wasn't I being rather hasty about such a huge decision? Wasn't I going back on what I had said I would do if I got another dog (temperament testing)? Why was I moving so fast on all of this? Why couldn't I breathe and what was causing my massive headache?

I had looked at the TFT and I had looked at the lab puppies. They were equally attractive. But something just didn't feel right. I realized I was making a decision based on desperation. Not a good way to feel when making an important decision. And not a good reason to get a puppy. So, I talked it out with David's help and realized that what I was doing was trying to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped. I was also trying to keep the chaos in my life going. It's been a rough year and a half and it has been very chaotic. I was just trying to keep the drama going. I was just trying to distract myself. I didn't really want another dog, I just didn't want to feel how much I miss Skooter and Moped.

So, with David's help, I was able to come to the conclusion that getting a dog right now is not a good idea. David didn't convince me, he just let me talk it out and figure it out for myself. I had too many second thoughts about getting another puppy. I was filled more with dread than with excitement. And the most important thing: It would not keep me from missing and loving Skooter and Moped. I was not making a rational decision. I was making a hasty decision based on fear. Fear of feeling my feelings about Skooter and Moped. Fear of feeling the loss that I feel about Skooter and Moped. It didn't take too long to figure out that I would have made another terrible mistake.

As hard as it was, I had to tell myself that getting a puppy right now to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped was not a good idea at all. I would have been getting a puppy for all the wrong reasons, selfish reasons. So I made the difficult decision to not get another puppy. I emailed the ladies I had talked to in Californai and Kansas City and told them that we weren't ready for another puppy at this poiint. I almost instantly felt relief. I knew I had made the right decision. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be adding another member to the family, but I knew that trying to replace Skooter and Moped was silly. Just plain silly.

It was late and I couldn't call either lady, so I sent emails to let them know what we had decided. I needed to bring closure to this battle with desperation. And clicking on the 'send' button did just that, brought closure. Closure to making a bad decision not about missing Skooter and Moped. That was still there underneath the frenzy I had created. I am still missing them and grieving over their loss.

After hitting that 'send' button I felt less chaos and less panic. I was doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with missing Skooter and Moped. I am entitiled to my feelings about the loss. And I need to feel the loss and deal with the effects. I need to work my way through this, not around it. Getting another puppy was my attempt at getting around having to miss Skooter and Moped.

I am smack dab in the middle of the grief process and i don't need any distractions. I need to feel all the different feelings associated with grief so that I can properly move on in my life. But I'm not quite ready to move on without Skooter and Moped just yet. They are still on my mind daily. It's only been three and a half weeks. What's my rush?

So, no new puppy. Almost, but not quite. No avoiding the grief I feel over having to give up my dogs to allow them to have a better life. No distractions. I am going to deal head on with the issues that I am wrangling with. Did I do the right thing by letting Skooter and Moped go? Will there new homes be loving and caring? Will they be happy? Those are some very heavy questions to have to deal with. But I'm ready to do it and okay with doing it.

In conclusion, getting another dog would just be a mistake. Feelng the loss and sadness about Skooter and Moped is okay. It is appropriate. And I need to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with missing my boys.

(It's 4:30 in the morning, so who knows what I've just written. I hope it makes sense and doesn't have too many typos, but I'm too tired to check the whole thing! It is what it is: a middle of the night rant.)