Figuring some things out

It's almost 3am and I'm up for no good reason. I do my most honest thinking this time of day so I thought I'd blog about getting a dog. Am I really ready for another dog? I feel like I am. I feel like I always have been ready for another dog. Can I take care of a dog the way it needs to be taken care of? Yes, I think I can. What's different for me now is that I am more active than I was just months ago. I can offer a dog a nice walk each morning to start his/her day. I feel that I can keep up with grooming and with cleaning the yard. I won't feel held back by a dog because I want a dog in my life. I'm home most of the time anyway so giving a dog attention and training will work into my schedule now. Not working a part time job will make a huge difference. Any dog that I get shouldn't be bored if I'm walking him/her daily and spending lots of time on training (basic commands and more). And of course there's also time for cuddling too.

I realize that this is a major step for me mentally and emotionally. There is always this mysterious "they" that I consider when making decisions. "They will think that I shouldn't have a dog." "They will think I'm stupid for getting a dog." Negative thoughts like that. There is no "they", it's just all in my head. But somehow I feel like someone is supposed to give me permission to get a dog. When I think it through I can see that 'they' is really the remnants of my mom. I wouldn't have been able to make this kind of decision without going through her for an okay (even as an adult) so I go through 'her' in my head. I'm an adult now and have my own life. She has been gone for 9 years now. It's time for me to let go of her and stand on my own. Well, not really on my own since I want a dog beside me. ;)

Getting a dog is a big commitment. It always has been. So why did I rehome my four dogs? Well, it was my 'mom' again. When I was growing up my mom would give away my pets to other, more deserving people. One time I was out bowling and when I came home she had given my dog away. I was just a kid and didn't really understand what had happened. I didn't know to think that it was wrong of her to do that. I took in the lie that my pets would always be better off with someone else. I know now that's not true but I didn't know that last November when I rehomed Huxley and Blitz. I thought that because I had issues with them that I should give them away. But I equate it to a person with a baby or child who keeps them up at night or gives them a hard time - you don't give your kid away because they aren't behaving properly all the time. And these dogs were my kids. But it was so easy for me to feel like I didn't deserve my dogs and that giving them away was the natural thing to do. I was just continuing on my mother's work.

I'm not saying that having a dog is going to be easy or without complaint but what I am saying is that I'm not going to do what my mother did to me anymore. I still feel like all four dogs are my dogs. I wasn't ready to let any of them go. I just did to myself what my mom would have done to me in this situation. That stops now.

No one is talking me into getting a dog. It's my decision wholeheartedly. I don't need to make it anyone else's decision anymore. If I told myself that they were David's dogs then I wouldn't have given them up but they were my dogs and giving them up was just part of what happens with me. No, I'm deciding this time. I'm saying that I want to get a dog for me and be proud that it is my dog and that I made the decision. I'm not going to live in fear anymore. I won't have to be afraid that my dog will have to go to someone who deserves it more than me. No one will deserve my dog more than I do.

I'm learning a lot through this dog situation. Even if I ended up not getting a dog, I've made progress in an area where previously I was lacking fortitude. I'm not going to be mean to myself anymore. I won't be thoughtless when it comes to my needs and wants. If I find the right dog, I'll be bringing him home and loving him forever. If something drastic happened and I did have to rehome the dog, then it would be my decision to do that, not my mom's. But I don't see any reason for that to happen now that I know what I have been doing (getting dogs and giving them away to more deserving people). Knowing the truth willl make a difference.

I'm excited about getting a dog now. I don't have to feel like I need permission to get a dog and I don't have to fear giving him/her away to more deserving people. I can own up to making the decision to get the dog and most importantly for keeping the dog. I'm not going to feel like I'm not good enough or not deserving enough to have a dog. I'm not going to let my mom run my life.

So the plan is to go to the Adoption Fairs on Saturday. There will be a few around town this weekend. I don't feel like I have to come home with a dog. I can wait until I KNOW it's the dog for me. I might check the Humane Society again on Friday too. I'm sure there will be other dogs available that weren't available yesterday and new dogs that have come in to the shelter. I want to give a dog a home that really needs and deserves one. I don't need to place an order with a breeder this time to justify getting a dog.

I know it's going to involve a lot of work and a change in our environment to have a dog. I'm up to the challenge. There may be days when I'm not completely up to the challenge but I know from having Huxley and Blitz that even on difficult days, I can take care of my dogs. I feel so much lighter and less sad knowing that a dog may be in my future. I'm a dog person and I am going to have a dog. My depression will be helped by having a dog to pat and love. I can be kind to myself and give myself this gift.

I wish Saturday was here already so I could go and look at dogs but I realize part of this process is patience. I need to wait for the right dog at the right time. I'm in no rush. I've been praying that God would lead me to the right dog and keep a dog out of my life that won't work in the long run. I don't know if that will help or not, but I figure it never hurts to pray.

rats!

The dog is not available. *pout* Well on to adoption fairs this Saturday.

A happy boy

I found a dog on craigslist. I'm interested in getting more information on him so I sent an email to the current owner. He's a Bernese Mountain Dog/Australian Shepherd mix (although he looks more like a cattle dog than a australian shepherd). He's about 70 pounds, a big dog, but he is fully grown. He's 20 months old. Of course all I've seen is a picture but he looks like a happy boy. I hope his current owner emails me soon so I'll know if he's available or not. I could go look at him tomorrow but I'd need to have David with me to make sure the dogs likes him too. I wouldn't make a snap decision. I would think about it before I decided.

There's also a bunch of adoption fairs this Saturday at the PetsMarts in town. That would be a good place to see a dog around people and other dogs and lots of stimulation. I want a dog. I want a good dog that is the right fit for me. I want a walking buddy and a dog that would be okay being left alone for a few hours. So much to think about.

I'm already feeling happier just thinking about getting a dog. A dog would be great therapy for me. I'm willing to wait to find the right dog though. It won't make me miss Huxley and Blitz any less to have another dog, but I don't think I'd feel so empty inside if I had a dog.

Sans dog

Well, I came home sans dog. The GSP we looked at much too much dog for me. He wasn't fixed either. Very nice looking boy but just too much energy and power. I guess I needed to see him to convince myself once and for all that a GSP is not the dog for us. As much as I love the breed, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle. There were lots of dogs at the HS but I was only interested in looking at the GSP. I'm sorry we had to pass on him and I pray that he gets a good home, as well as all the other dogs there.

A smaller dog, that won't jump the fence and pull my shoulder out of the socket, is what I should get. I need a dog that I can handle. There were some cute ones at the HS but nothing that really piqued my interest. I do want a dog though. I am more miserable without a dog than I am with one. And the only reason I was miserable was because I just didn't do the right things with the dogs I had. It wasn't their fault at all.

So I'm home without a dog and somehow dealing with it. I would have taken home that GSP if he had the right temperment. I mean, he was a happy boy and all, just too wild. He did know how to sit though, so I know he's a smart dog. Anyway, it wasn't meant to be at the HS today. I can live with that.

A reason to get up every day

Today when David gets home he's going to take me down to the Humane Society. I asked him to take me there. There is a GSP down there that I want to see. He's about 5 years old and looks like Skooter and Moped. I have been praying about this for months now. I'm just not happy without a dog. My depression is worse when I don't have a dog. A dog would give me a reason to get up every day and go walking. I'm lonely and I'd like a companion. I love dogs and want to have one again. I don't know that I'll actually get a dog today but I want to allow myself to think about it.

Broken Heart

I talked to Marianne today about the dogs. I cried when I talked about them. I miss Huxley and Blitz. I had a dream about Skooter and Moped last night. I miss them too. I'm not sure what it is that I miss. I know it's a lot of work having a dog (or two) but there is something that makes all the work worthwhile. But what is it? I guess it's the unconditional love they had for me. I loved coming home and having them greet me. Of course I didn't like when I got to the kitchen and found that they had been in the trash. See that's the thing for just about anything I can think of that I liked there was also something about it that I didn't like. I think I've been thinking about them more since I started walking. It would be nice to have a walking buddy. I see everyone up at Palmer Park with their dogs and I wonder why I can't have a dog. Could I do it right this time? Would I end up giving away another dog? I couldn't do that. It would hurt so much. I know that I never should have given any of them away. It was a responsiblity that I took on and dropped. That wasn't a good thing for me. The dogs have all lucked out and have great homes with other people but that doesn't make this any easier. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I just know that I miss my dogs. Having another dog wouldn't necessarily make that sadness go away. Marianne told me to pray about the sadness I feel and let God do His thing with my broken heart.

Heaven

It's been two month since I last wrote in the Dog Blog. I wish I could say that things have changed tremendously and I'm no longer missing my dogs but that would not be the truth. I still miss all four of them and the cats too. My guilt over giving them up is overwhelming. I especially miss my Huxley and Blitz. I can't believe that I gave them up. I know they have a good home in Woodland Park but they were happy with me too. I think about the people who now own them and wonder if anything happened to them (horrible thought I know) could I get my dogs back. I just haven't been able to let go of them. I still think of them as my dogs. I miss them more than I can say.

I don't want the responsibility of dogs right now, but I'd take Huxley and Blitzie back in a second. It's not about having just any dog, it's Huxley and Blitz that I miss. I love my older girls. I wish we would get updates on the dogs but there hasn't been anything on any of them since last winter when we got the picture of Huxley and Blitz treeing a squirrel.


Just seeing this picture makes me want to cry. I love them so much. They are great dogs. I wish I would have been able to keep them. But I know that the timing wasn't right. They were a problem for me. It was hard for me to keep up with them even though they were 8 years old. You can see in the picture that they are like puppies still.

I always tell myself that I'd give anything to see them just one more time but I know that if I did see them I'd want to take them home with me. I couldn't walk away from them again. So, I guess I'm still grieving the loss of my girls. I feel like I will always grieve their loss. Maybe time will take care of that. But until that time, I know that Huxley and Blitz will always be on my mind.

I know it's silly but having the stuffed dogs that look like Hux and Blitzie is a comfort to me. I feel like somehow that a part of them is still here with me. They help with the sadness I feel over giving them up and they don't take up near as much space on the bed. ;) But I would gladly give up my space to have my girls back.

It's been 8 months now that they have been gone. It seems like they just left yesterday. There are some good things about not having dogs but they don't outweigh the goodness of having them. I try to remind myself that they love their new owners and are happy in their lives up in Woodland Park. I try to tell myself they are better off being there but it's honestly not something I believe. They had a good life with me and I certainly love them. It could have worked out if I had just held on for a while. Quitting my part time job would have made all the difference.

Anyway, I miss them terribly and long to see them again one day. I know it won't happen in this lifetime but I can hope that they will be in Heaven when it's my time to go there because that's what Heaven is to me - my dogs.

Still crying

It's been a while but I just wanted to let you know that I still miss my dogs and my cats, especially Huxley and Blitz. I still cry every once in while because I miss them so much. I know that they have a wonderful life with their new owners up in Woodland Park. Living on five acres has to be the best for them. I'm sure that chasing squirrels is a daily activity for them. I wonder if they've seen any deer or wild turkeys? Hmmm. I sure do miss them.

The new and improved Huxley and Blitz ;)

and the bestest Huxley and Blitz

Holly

This weekend we watched the AKC/Eukanuba Dog Show. You can read an article on the winner, Holly, here. There is also a page on the AKC site about The Pointer. The Pointer is also known as the English Pointer. There are also German Shorthaired Pointer (like we've had) and the German Wirehaired Pointer. I'm doing some research to see if there are any other Pointer breeds.

For anyone looking for a GSP, remember to check the Rocky Mountain GSP Rescue website for dogs available for adoption. If you are looking for a particular breed of dog, search for local rescues that adopt out that breed.

Today I was disheartened thinking about how many puppies and dogs there are in this world. People just don't get that there are too many of them already out there. There should be a fine for people who breed without regard for how many dogs are out there. I think breeders should be limited too. *steps off soapbox*

Regret

I had some second thoughts over the weekend about giving up all the animals. I don't know why I'm more effected on the weekends. I think I miss the distraction of the cats and dogs. I was always paying attention to them and didn't have to think about anything that was going on with me. They kept me busy. And I think it finally sunk in that they are no longer mine. They belong to other people now. They are not my babies any more. I guess I needed to deal with that head on. I'm also trying to deal with my feelings about checking into dogs (even though I don't want one). I know I'm playing with fire. If the right dog comes along, I could be taken in. No need to tempt myself with looking. I have to let it go. I still haven't changed my screen saver. I need to do that. Seeing Skooter and Moped and Minnie and Paulie and Huxley and Blitz is not helping me get over them. It's just making matters worse. This really is a time in my life that I need to focus on me and the things I'm dealing with every day. Like I said, the animals were a great distraction. Now I have all the time that I need to delve into who I want to be and what I want to do. It seems scary but it also feels right.

It's the weekend again and I'm missing my pets. I feel bad that I didn't follow up on the cats. I just don't want to know if they were put to sleep. I pray that they were able to get homes. I still have all of them on my screen saver. I need to change that. I'm glad that I re-homed them all but I miss them nonetheless. I got rid of the box of Meaty Bones that has sat in the cupboard. I need to get all the pet stuff put on craigslist and get it out of the house. I'm definitely procrastinating on doing that.

David was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes this past week so giving up the pets is a good thing. He can't take a chance on getting scratched because of the diabetes and the cellulitis too. It'll probably keep up from getting a pet in the future but that's okay. I'm happy without pets even though I miss the ones I had.

Lynn sent me a beautiful story about an old man and a GSP. It made me tear up. GSP's are the best!

Passion

Last night I went out to the USCS Talent Show. It was awesome! The kids are very talented. Anyway, I realized that I didn't have to rush home to let the dogs out. It kind of made me sad to think that they are no longer my girls. And when I turned the corner into the community I looked over at the back door like I always would do when Huxley and Blitz were here. But it's when I pull into the garage that I have the biggest pang of missing them. I was so used to going into the house and saying hello and having happy pets there to greet me. I even missed the cats last night. Yesterday I kept thinkin that I heard Paulie. Once in a while I would check the living room window where Paulie and Minnie would sit to sun bathe. I haven't called the HS because I don't want to know what happened to them. They may still be there for all I know. David and I are still looking at dogs on craigslist. He finds them and then shares them with me. Some of them have been good looking dogs but I don't want to make any decisions for at least a year on pets. I think by then I'll be settled without them.

Lisa made a great suggestion last night - I should journal all the reasons that it was difficult having the pets so I don't 'forget' and get other pets. There were lots of things that just didn't work for me. Some examples are: always having to get up to let the dogs in and out, not sleeping through the night because Huxley and Blitz are hogging the bed, having to clean up the backyard and the kitty litter box, the carpet getting ruined, cat and dog hair all over everything, David's allergies to the pets, the chance of him getting cellulitis from being scratched and not being able to go away for very long because the dogs needed company. Oh, and lets not forget about the dogs getting into the trash and chewing on things. Again, they weren't bad dogs, they were just bored dogs. And that was our fault. Scooter and Moped were really bored because they were puppies. They need a ton more activity than we were providing for them. Oh well, what's done is done. It really is okay that they are all gone. I'm sad but I'm also glad. I'm not just the doggy door keeper anymore.

I'm still having trouble putting things into my day. I have so much time now that I don't have pets. And freedom. I have lots of freedom. I'm still trying to figure out what I have a passion for besides pets, that is. ;) I'm finding myself a little bit more each day. It's not an easy process. I didn't just go from owning cats and dogs to being, what? Who am I supposed to be now that I'm not the doggy door keeper?

Well, it's almost 7am so I'm going to go back to bed for a while.

Minnie and Paulie are gone

I brought them to the Humane Society on Friday. It's taken me a couple of days to post about it because it bothered me more than I thought it would. I thought it would be hard to get them into the travel kennel but they went in without much difficulty. The ride to the HS seemed very long. It is across town, but it seemed longer because it was such a sad drive. They meowed most of the way. The don't like being in the kennel and they sure don't like being in the car. They settled down when we got to the HS. I was really sad answering all the questions. The lady who checked us in told me that Minnie and Paulie would have a good chance of getting a home because they are fixed and are declawed (fronts only). That gave me some hope. I cried when I left. I had them keep the kennel because I couldn't leave with it empty. It would have been too hard. And it was a long ride home too. But I was able to do what needed to be done. David is allergic to cats and dogs so having them is not a good idea. I miss all of them though. I think about Huxley and Blitz often and I obviously still think about Minnie and Paulie. I keep thinking that I hear them or feel them on my legs. It makes me sad to know that they are not there.

But, on the positive side, all the doors are open in the house. I don't have to shut off all the rooms from the cats. It seems so much brighter in here. And it's definitely more open. I was able to vacuum without dodging all the animals. It was a lot quicker. The carpet still looks like crap but that will change when we can afford the new carpet.

I do feel kind of lonely because David is out golfing with the guys and there aren't any animals to keep me company. There is just so much more time in my day (sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad) and such freedom in not having pets. I don't feel tied to my chair because the cats are on me or because I have to let the dogs in and out. There's definitely a down side though. The sadness in moments is overwhelming. Thankfully it's only for moments.

I keep picturing Minnie and Paulie in cages. I know they are not capable of hating me, but I guess I'm feeling guilty for having them for so long, almost 8 years, and now giving them up. It was $30 to surrender them. It wasn't an easy decision. I almost turned around and went home a whole bunch of times. But I knew that it would be a positive, albeit sad, event.

I feel like crying right now. It's just the sadness coming over me like a wave. I'm glad it's just a small wave. The sadness with the dogs was at points overwhelming and I felt like I was falling apart. But I just tell myself that the dogs are in a great home and I look at the picture of them playing with the squirrels and I know I've done the right thing.

I still check the Rescue web site. Habit I guess. There was an older pair of GSP's (Mack and Sable) and they were the same colors as Huxley and Blitz. That was hard. But I'm just going to be glad that Kris is doing the job that she is doing and getting these beautiful animals new homes.

Yesterday we went for a ride over to the Garden of the Gods. It was almost 70 degrees out. I couldn't believe how many people I saw with their dogs. I mean, there were just tons of them on the way there, in the park and on the way home. When I see people with their dogs I think about all the effort it takes to have a dog. I also think about missing them being with me.

Anyway, Minnie and Paulie and Huxley and Blitz are gone now. I'm sans pets. First time in over 15 years that David and I haven't had a pet. It was Elvis P. Bunnyboy, our rabbit, that started it all off. Then came Tabby and all the rest of the crew. Now they are all gone or rehomed. I miss them all.

Off and on

We just got back from a drive up to Woodland Park. Ute pass was beautiful today. Interesting thing - everybody seemed to have a dog with them. Okay, not everyone, but next to everyone. It ran through my mind that we could see the girls possibly, just walking in their neighborhood but that's not going to happen. David said he's missing them today too for some reason. I've been fine without them until today. I don't know why I'm thinking about them so much today, but I'm going to allow myself to feel the way I do and just ride it like a wave. It's okay to miss them. I had them for a year and a half. It's no wonder that I miss them. David also said today that he realized that we could have kept Skooter and Moped if he had put the time in with them to train them. I feel the same way. I did put in time training them, but not enough and not consistently.

Oh well. I'm bound to have feelings like this off and on for a while. I'm okay with that.

Still adjusting to them all being gone

Well, today I talked to David about definitely giving up the cats. I couldn't find a no-kill shelter to take them to, so I'll be taking them to the Humane Society. It's the same situation with the cats as with the dogs - I love them but I just don't want to care for them. They continually ruin the carpet by throwing up on it and they get hair everywhere. I know I will miss them and it will be weird to not have any pets, but I think that's the way it needs to be right now.

David is still looking at dogs on craigslist and I'm still checking the GSP site every day. I'm not checking it because I want a dog, I'm checking it because it makes me happy to see that a dog has been adopted. I have thought that if I ever get a dog again (and it won't be soon) it will have to be a GSP. I just love the breed and love the way they look, feel and behave. But I'm not in any position to even be thinking about a dog.

Paulie just kicked Minnie off my legs so he could sit there. Poor Minnie. I'd like to find the time tomorrow to take them to the HS. I need to just get it done.

I'm still missing Huxley and Blitz. When I start missing them I just look at the picture of them treeing the squirrell and I realize that they are where they belong. It's kind of ironic that they are up in Woodland Park where I'd like to live. I can't even imagine how happy they must be with so much land to run on and so many beasties to chase. I'm sure they are so incredibly happy being there and are loved tremendously. They are awesome dogs and deserve the best home. Their new owners said they sleep through the night now. That's probably because they are out all day playing. I do miss napping with them. And I still can't have a bowl of Cheerios without thinking about sharing with Huxley. Pretty much anything I eat I used to share with them. I think it will take time to get past that.

I don't miss Skooter and Moped like I used to miss them. I still think of them a lot but they are so far out of my daily life that I'm not sad about them. I do wonder what it would be like to still own Skooter. He is such a good dog. Moped was just too crazy. I'd have to really learn how to raise a calm dog before I could even think about owning one again. They didn't have a great life here though. They were either crated or tied up (because they were so out of control) and that wasn't any fun for them.

Anyway, I'll always get sucked in by GSP puppies and dogs. I just can't resist the face. But I can resist owning one.

I checked the GSP site and more dogs have been adopted. There's always more coming in though. I wish people would spay and neuter their dogs so the population would decrease. There are so many 'homeless' GSP's that Kris has to take in. It's sad. I've continued our donation to the Rescue because I really believe in the work that Kris is doing. I wish it could be more. One day I'm hoping it will be more.

Just missing my boys and girls today. I do okay most of the time but once in a while, the feeling just hits me and I miss them. I hope that we get updates on them in the future (but I won't expect that to happen). I was looking at pictures of Skooter when he visited his mom, Harvest and his sister from another litter. They are/were such beautiful, even tempered dogs. And I was looking at the 'family photos' that Kathy put together on Moped. There's a picture of the first time David held him when he was just weeks old. Ah, the good old days when we were too dense to know that dogs just didn't fit into our lives. lol

I feel better now that I've been able to think about them. Back to the real world again.

A lovely day

Just thinking

I'm thinking about dogs tonight. Or should I say I'm thinking of all the errors I've made as a dog owner. There are so many things I would do different now that I know what I know. And what is it that I know? I didn't train my dogs early enough or often enough. I did try some with Skooter and Moped but I started too late and wasn't consistent enough with them. Huxley and Blitz are doing great with their new owners because they know how to train a GSP. I don't. Before I can ever consider a dog again, I need to learn how to 'grow' a great dog. I was thinking that getting the dog trained as a hunting dog and as a service dog would help. That was the biggest problem I had when I owned the dogs: I didn't have control over them. The dogs ran the show. It can't be like that. And I would never, ever have a GSP unless I had at least a few acres of property fenced in so they could run around a lot. And I'd have to be committed to walking them EVERY day. And I'm not anywhere near ready to do any of those things so a dog just isn't in my future. But, when one is, I think it will have to be a GSP. I just adore the breed. I really couldn't imagine having any other breed of dog. I look at other dogs and puppies and they are cute, but they just don't compare to the GSP.

I know I'm not ready to own a dog. I don't know that I ever will be ready. I know I'm not a good dog owner. But it doesn't keep me from loving the dogs I've had. I'll always see them as my boys and girls. I'll always miss them. But I know that I just can't handle a dog at this point in my life. And that makes me sad.

I have been doing some research on therapy dogs. There are what they call Emotional Support Dogs for people like me who deal with depression (amongst other things). They are not Service Dogs. They don't get to go into public places like service dogs do. But they are trained to help people how have emotional issues. Maybe a dog like that, one that is already trained would be a good dog for me one day. It would still have to be a GSP though. I'd have to get it as a puppy and put it through ES training.

I know. I know. I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I still check the Rescue website daily to see if any dogs have been placed. I'm always happy when a GSP gets adopted. And I just like looking at their sweet faces. I wish I could do more for the Rescue (beyond or in addition to our monthly donation). It's such a worthy cause.

It's funny but once you have a GSP, there just is no other dog for you. Which isn't great for someone like me who takes them in and then lets them go. One of my friends said that I have a mental illness about dogs. She was serious. I don't know. Maybe I do have a screw loose when it comes to GSP's. But gosh, they are just the most wonderful dogs in the world. So smart (when trained) and such great companions (again, when they are trained).

Guess I'm feeling nostalgic and meloncholy tonight. Minnie has been sitting on me for hours. Whenever I sit, she's on me. And Paulie, when he's not on me, is on David. I want to let them go next week. I just can't handle them any more. If I bring them to the Humane Society they may be euthanized, but I feel like it's them or me. Their lives or mine. I want my life back sans cats, dogs or any other pet. No fish, hamsters, gerbils or squid. Nada.

Still, GSP's rock! And they always will.

01/01/2009 Update on Huxley and Blitz

Another update from Kris:

Happy New Year, Samantha!

Another update on Huxley and Blitz.

Enjoy!

>>>I"m happy to report that the adoption is still going smoothly. They have established a routine: wake us up at 7:00AM, go out, eat, and then we take our walk. The rest of the day is spent harrassing squirrels as you can see in the attached picture. The picture also shows the fence at the back of our property. To date, there has been no attempt by them to jump or climb over it. The picture also shows how our property slopes down to the fence so they get good exercise running to and from the fence.<<<<
--
Kris

It makes me so happy to see that they are content and having fun. They are living exactly where I would want them to live. They look happy. And it sounds like they are getting the routine down too. No word on Blitz whining so I think it was a phenomenon caused by me somehow. I'm sure that Blitz is so tired by the time she gets in that she doesn't have any reason to whine. She's not bored anymore.

I'll always miss them and I hope that we can get future updates on them.

Blitz rocks!

I almost forgot to post this picture. Blitzie climbed up on my footstool and tried to get into my lap. It's a gliding footstool so she was rocking back and forth. It was very funny. Huxley wanted to get in on it too. My 60 pound lap dogs. LOL

Bits and pieces

I checked the Rescue website and there are 3 more dogs that have been adopted. That's so cool. I wish they all could get homes for Christmas.

I think I've finally resolved in my mind that the reason that I kept the dogs so long is because I felt needed by the dogs. Being home all day by myself had me feeling empty but after a lot of thought I can see that I have a great life and that I don't need dogs that don't fit into my life to make me feel needed.

I did a quiz on Facebook, "What king of dog are you?". I am a Maltese. I looked them up online and they are so cute. They are a toy breed, a small dog. That's what I should have had all along - a small dog. I don't want a dog now but maybe one day I could consider it. I'd like a dog that I could walk instead of one that walks me. LOL And it would be nice to have a trained dog, one that would sleep in it's own bed instead of hogging mine. But that's way off in the future. It's not something I would do now.

The cats are really enjoying the dogs being gone. They are usually on me or in bed (sound familiar?). I figured out a way to decorate the house for Christmas so that the cats can't get to the decorations. It looks very Christmas-y in here now. Paulie did try to get the paper chains I made but I have them up high enough that all he can do is look at them. I was digging through the decorations and found a tree that Zach had made for us years ago. It was nice to see that I've kept it all these years. His mom isn't doing very well. She's grieving in a big way. I guess I would too if I were in her shoes. It's so sad. I sent them a sympathy basket that has a teddy bear in it with a ribbon that says "Thinking of You". I hope they can enjoy it.

It's nice to know that all the dogs have good homes and that I don't have to worry about them. I miss their company, but I love the freedom I have now. All of my focus was on them and I just didn't get to anything else. Now I have lots of time to focus on me and David and actually living my life.

I have to prepare myself mentally for re-homing the cats. They have taken over the house and I want my house back. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to have my home the way I want it and to have a pet too. But until then, I really don't want any pets. Minnie and Paulie are very affectionate so I think they would do okay with being re-homed. I just have to get up the nerve to give them up.

I'm sitting here eating Christmas candies and there is no one begging for some. It's kind of nice. I know it was my fault that the dogs didn't behave. I didn't require them to. I taught them a lot of bad habits (sleeping on the bed, sharing food, etc.). And they certainly weren't going to learn how to walk on a leash if I never took them out. Their new owner is taking them for walks separately. That's a good thing. I bet they love it.

I'll update again when I decide I have the energy to re-home the cats.

Lost without them

I wish I could say that life is so much better without the dogs, but I'd be fibbing if I did. Some things are better, but I sure do miss their company. David and I have been talking about all of the dogs (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz) and how much we miss them. I don't think we ever got over giving up Skooter and Moped. I'm sure they are great dogs now but I just couldn't handle them and didn't have the appropriate home or yard for them. I'm glad they all are where they should be. I know they all have ended up in wonderful homes and they deserve that. Kris did an amazing job placing them. I am so in awe of the work that she does. I wish I could do work like that. I wish I could give dogs a home. But I'm not set up for that. It takes a very special person to run a Rescue and I am grateful that Kris has been there for so many dogs. I've been looking at the updated site http://rockymtngsp.org and there are already quite a few dogs listed and I know there are more that need homes. David and I tell everyone we can about the Rescue and what good work is being done there.

Anyway, just missing my dogs. The cats are probably here for a while since there are no "no-kill" shelters taking any cats in right now. And the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region just got there budget slashed by about 80% so they aren't going to be hanging on to animals either (especially eight year old cats). Paulie is almost always in someone's lap. Minnie is always on me, near me, with me. I'm sure that like with the dogs, when the time is right, we will get homes for the cats. Until then I need to make do with what I have and make as many changes in the house as I can, short of replacing the carpet. That will have to wait until the cats go adios.

So, yeah, just thinking about my dogs and wondering what they all are up to tonight. A winter storm is moving in tonight or tomorrow. I sonder if Skooter and Moped still play in the snow. I know that Huxley and Blitz didn't play in the snow here but maybe they'll take advantage of their five acres and play a little bit. I want the best for all of them.

Tonight I was watching a show and there were Beagle puppies in one scene. They were so cute. I guess that's what got me thinking of the dogs. I don't see myself with a dog ever again. I'm just not a good dog owner. I love them but I don't give them the discipline and leadership that dogs really need. That makes me sad.

Monday night is Bonnie's memorial service. I'll be going with friends from group. Susan and Marianne will be there too. I guess it will be another opportunity to feel the grief of all the losses I've had in the last 3 weeks. I know I'll think about my dogs and I'll feel a bit guilty for doing that but they were in my life every minute of the day. I am still kind of lost without them.

Progress Report - Huxley and Blitz

I received a wonderful email from the Rescue today:

Hi Samantha!

Here is the latest update from Blitz and Huxley's new owners. I think
they are there to stay.

Enjoy!


>>This has been a fabulous week!! As I told you when you called, they both had an uneventful ride to our house. As I mentioned to you, the first night was somewhat hectic. Blitz got us up at midnight, 3:00AM, and 5:30AM to go out.
That is no longer a problem. They both get up and stretch during the
night, but they don't demand to go out.
Around 7:00AM, Blitz puts her front legs over my body to let me know
it's time to get up, and they both race to the back porch door to go
out. I tried walking them both at the same time, but they were able
to pull pretty hard so I had to walk them individually this week. I
found that by using a choke collar, a light jerk stopped the pulling
so as soon as I get another choke collar, I'll give another try at
walking them together. Another area of concern was how they would
react to the fenced yard. No problem. I watched them every time they
went out, and they made no attempt to either jump or climb over the
fence.

My wife and I are extremely happy about the way they have adapted to
our care. They are a very affectionate couple, and having seen them
at play and rest this week, I have to agree with you that separating
them for adoption would have been tragic. I can tell you now that you
will not be getting them back from us.

Snowy night

The snow makes me thing about the dogs. Skooter and Moped loved to play in the snow. Huxley and Blitz didn't like it as much but they would tolerate it to go out and do their business. I miss seeing paw prints in the snow on the deck. I realized today that I still haven't cleaned the glass on the back door. Huxley and Blitz left many nose prints on the door. I guess it's snowing pretty good up in Woodland Park so I'm sure the girls are tucked away inside by the wood burning stove that I imagine is there. After dinner tonight I thought about how much food I share with those two. I can't seem to eat all of anything because I'm used to sharing with Huxley and Blitz. But those two are happy no matter where they are so I'm not going to worry about them.

Missing them all

Friday I slept all day because I have a cold. It was weird not having the dogs get me up. I was in bed a lot and it made me miss them more. They would always be in bed with me. David had hockey Friday night and I was home 'alone'. I did better this weekend than I did last weekend. I guess I needed that good cry last week.

Yesterday was Zach's memorial service. We left the house at 7:45 am and didn't get home until around 4pm. I kept worrying about getting home to the dogs. No matter how many times I told myself that they weren't home, I just kept thinking about them. I would try to remind myself that they are in their new home and probably loving every minute of it. I mean, come on, anyone that buys them matching dog pillows has to be just awesome.

For some reason today, Sunday, was harder than the rest of the weekend as far as missing the girls. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was in bed again a lot today because of this cold. The cats do keep me company though. But they will have to go soon too. David's allergies to them are just too much for him. And the cats are always on our laps which isn't good for David. So tomorrow I need to call the no kill shelters and see if anyone will take them in. If not, I'll have to consider the Humane Society. That will definitely be my last option though. I don't want anything to happen to them.

Minnie is on me right now and Paulie is on David. They are spoiled. Earlier today one of them was up on top of the fridge. I have trouble keeping them off the counters. I've been using the spray bottle on them but they don't remember that I sprayed them 20 seconds later. Oh well.

I had to talk to David tonight about not wanting a dog at all. It wasn't that I didn't want Huxley and Blitz. I love them. I just shouldn't have a dog at all. I'm not good at discipline and dogs need that. Anyway, all four of them are on my mind (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz). I miss them all.

Huxley shaking (funny audio in a video)

This video is almost impossible to see but if you listen closely you can hear Huxley shaking. It's funny.

Spoiled

David and I were just talking about Moped. We wonder what he looks like now as a grown dog? I bet he's so handsome. If their owners send pictures to the Rescue we might be able to see them. I know Hux and Blitz have been gone less than a week, but I'd like to see pictures of them in their new life too. I'm sure he and Skooter are so well behaved and are a great addition to these families. We have seen pictures of Skooter in his new life and he looks so happy. We wish the same for all of our other dogs too.

It's funny but today I sprayed some non-stick stuff on a pan and realized I was waiting for Huxley and Blitz to come running. For some reason they always ran out to the kitchen when I used the non-stick spray. Crazy, the things that make me think of them. I do miss petting them. They were a source of comfort at times but mostly they were difficult for me to handle. I'm sure their new owners, being GSP owners for over 26 years, will know exactly how to discipline them. But it's also nice to know that they already have matching pillows. They will still be spoiled. And that's good.

In front of the woodburning stove

I can just picture Huxley and Blitz on the floor next to a wood burning stove warming their achy bones. I guess I just need to picture them in a warm, loving setting. I can't believe they got a home in less than a week. And together. I'm just in awe. God sure was looking out over this situation. It's nice to have something good happen after the tragedy of the last week and a half. I hope that we get pictures one day so I can see how happy they are. I did ask Kris that if she gets pictures of Skooter and Moped, I'd like to see those too. I may have given them up, but I've never stopped loving any of them. I wish I could have kept them all. But that's not where my life has me right now. That makes me sad, but I'm doing my best to keep things in perspective. I never think of them as just dogs. They are my furry kids. I guess I feel like a parent would feel adopting out a child (okay, maybe that's overly dramatic, but it's my Dog Blog lol). Whatever the case, I miss them. So, I'll just picture them happy and content living up in Woodland Park with their new owners. That makes me happy.

Huxley and Blitz have been placed!!!

Email from Kris this morning:

Huxley and Blitz left for their new forever home this morning. An
elderly gentleman and his wife (who have owned GSPs for some 26+
years) adopted the girls. They live in Woodland Park and have five
acres fenced. It is a rather sloping properly with lots of pine trees.
The girls will have full run of the house and brand new matching dog
pillows. They looked very happy leaving today and happily jumped into
the back of their SUV. The gentleman walks briskly each and every
morning for a couple of miles. Now that he has the two of them, he was
going to stop and pick up one of the two-dog lead couplers.

As I get pictures in, I will forward them to you, as well.

They are in good hands!

If all of the stuff that's happened over the last 2 weeks hadn't happened, then Huxley and Blitz wouldn't have found their forever home (which sounds perfect for them). Everything does happen for a reason.

Life won out

It's so quiet in the house now. I'm so used to hearing the clinking of their dog tags, Blitzie whining and Huxley flopping her ears back and forth when she 'shakes it out'. But I did get to sleep as long as I wanted to, not as long as Blitzie wanted me to. I still have a cold so it's been nice to get some much needed sleep.

It's an overcast day and there is no sun streaming in the window for the cats to warm up in. Of course, if the dogs were here they would be claiming the sunshine as their own anyway. But they are not here. They are down at the Rescue living a different kind of life now. I wonder if Blitzie still whines or if she just did that with me? I do know that they are both just as affectionate with Kris and her family as they were with us. They adapt to change very well for older dogs.

I can't help but feel that I've somehow abandoned them.

There are finally plans for Zach. There will be a get together on Saturday, December 6th in Arvada to celebrate his life. I wasn't close to Zach, so I think I will feel like an outsider but it's the right thing to go, to support David. And I won't have to make any arrangements for the dogs or worry about them being home for too long. That takes a big burden off of my shoulders. And at this crazy time anything that can bring relief is greatly appreciated.

I've been thinking a lot about Tabby this morning. I miss my old girl.

So, another day of not being a dog owner. I guess I'll adjust to that eventually and even end up liking it but for today I still miss them in my life. Things just got so crazy so quickly. Life showed up on my doorstep and demanded to be let in. Unfortunately there was not enough room for life and two bigs dogs in this one small house. Something had to give. Life won out.

Adjusting

I slept in late today because I'm getting a cold. It was nice to be able to stay in bed and not have Blitzie waking me up or having to get up to let them out. The cats did stay on the bed with me though. I feel better today about my decision to give the dogs up. And I'm grateful for Kitty and Lisa bringing them down to the Rescue for me. Riding with them for about an hour, knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to them, would have been torture. I'm glad I didn't have to go through that.

Still no word on services for Bonnie or Zach. It's nice to know that whenever the services are I'll have the freedom to go and say goodbye without worrying about what to do with the dogs.

It's interesting to know that I can feel two completely different feelings at the same time - missing the girls and knowing they don't fit in my life either.

David said he was wondering how the girls were doing at the Rescue. I think they are probably doing great being with so many other dogs and getting a lot of activity. They'll be up all day instead of sleeping all day. That will encourage them to sleep through the night.

I still look out the back door thinking they will be there waiting to come in. Part of me still wants them back but I know it's best for them and for me that things are the way they are.

Tomorrow I'm going to make phone calls about the cats and see if I can get them placed in a Rescue. I don't want to keep them much longer because of the allergy problem David has with them and because I just don't want pets right now. I've had to work on accepting that it's okay to not want to have pets, that it just doesn't work for me at this point. If I need to be around a dog, I can always go visit Kitty or Lisa and see Sammy or Woody.

I'm going to try using my CPAP tonight. I haven't been wearing it because the dogs would get me up during the night and I'd have to fuss with getting the stupid thing back on and by the time I did I was awake and had trouble going back to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better if I use it.

The cats are in bed already. LOL Some things don't change.

Eventually

I cried for about 2 hours last night. I cried my eyes out. I cried out for my girls. I needed to cry. Now, for the most part, the crying is over with. I was able to come into the house twice and not have the girls there and I did okay. When we took a nap the cats slept with us. Last night we all slept better, including the cats. I'm glad the cats are behaving. For as long as we have them, they need to not be a bother. It's snowing out today and I don't have any dogs tracking snow into the house and then jumping on my bed. That's a good thing. Of course, Huxley and Blitz being lazy dogs, they would probably be in bed most of the day. I hope they are doing okay down at the Rescue. I really do worry about them, not that they won't be taken care of, I know Kris is wonderful with the dogs but it's just a 'mom' worrying about her furry kids. David misses them too. I think he thought he wouldn't miss them, but he does. But honestly, I feel so much relief knowing that they will eventually have better homes. And now I can focus on getting my life back on track.

We still haven't heard anything about a service for Bonnie or Zach. Honestly, now, I'd rather not have to attend a service. I'm wanting to move on. I don't know if that's inconsiderate or not. Maybe it's just another part of the grief process. I think a person can only take so much sadness at one time before defense mechanisms start working.

Anyway, I hope that Huxley and Blitz will be okay. Eventually I'll be okay without them.

Alone

David has to work hockey tonight and I don't have any dogs to take care of. What will I do with all my time? I'm amazed at just how much time I spent focusing on the dogs and how much 'free' time I have today. Most of it is 'brain time'. I think about them a lot. I keep looking out the door thinking they are waiting to be let in. But there are no dogs there. They are at the Rescue, so far away from me. I want to cry but I don't even know what I'm crying about. I wanted them to go, so why am I so upset? Why do I want to go get them? I'm not a good dog owner. It's selfish for me to keep two dogs that need walks and activity when I'm not willing to give them what they need. I'm angry at Bonnie and Zach. If they hadn't died maybe I would have kept the dogs. I need to stop thinking this way. I am better off without them and they are better off at the Rescue waiting for more appropriate homes. I don't have the energy or time to take care of two large dogs in such a small house. But I miss them. I'm afraid they won't get a home together. I'm not sure how they would do without each other. They've never known anything but being together.

I was thinking earlier today about all the things that Huxley and Blitz would share with us: carrots, apples, bananas, PB&J sandwiches, cheeseburgers. Really just everything. If we ate it they wanted to try it. I of course didn't give them anything that would hurt them or make them sick. Blitz does have a sensitive stomach so I didn't share as much with her. But my Huxley was my treat girl. Whether it was dog treats or human treats, Huxley was up for it. I feel bad that I didn't video tape them more often. Especially when Huxley would back herself up to sit on the rug for a treat. I'd always say 'beep, beep, beep' like a vehicle backing up. I'm sad that I don't have a video of that. But I do have some videos that I will always enjoy. I think the last one I took was of Huxley wriggling around on the floor, then shaking her ears. It is so cute.

I always feel better when I post on the Dog Blog. It makes me feel closer to all of my dogs. David was actually already talking about another dog some day. I just can't even think of it. Yesterday, when we were on the road, I swear I was seeing dogs everywhere - being walked, in cars, in the back of trucks, just everywhere. I guess it will be like that for a while.

Anyway, I feel alone tonight without my girls.

Missing Huxley and Blitz

I miss everything about them. This morning I woke up without them in bed. I got a bowl of cereal and there was no Huxley there to give a cheerio to. I made a PB&J sandwich for David and for me and I was able to put his on the table without watching it. No dogs to get it. I don't have to put the trash up to keep them out of it. We went to the store for the newspaper and when we came home there was no one to greet me at the door. That's probably the hardest part of all of this. I think about them and wonder what they are doing down at the Rescue. Did they make it through the night okay? They're not used to sleeping out in a heated garage in a kennel. They are used to hogging my bed and stealing my covers. It's kind of cool out today. I wonder if they are outside all day. They probably really like being with other dogs. That should be fun for them. I want to think that they miss me. I'm sure they'd be happy to see me. But then again, they're happy to see anyone. Stupid dogs.

I know I will stop missing them so much. I know I will be able to sleep throughout the night without them one night. But for now I miss them and it's hard to sleep without them. The cats are enjoying the dogs being gone. Every time we lay down, they are there with us. I think they missed doing that. But they are going to go too. I can't play favorites.

Their paw prints out on the deck have melted away. I looked to see if even just one remained, but the imperceptible warmth of this cold day has melted them away. I have their pictures looping on my screen saver. It catches me off guard when Huxley's fuzzy face comes up on the screen.

But they are dogs. And I have family and friends to tend to now. I want to go down to the Rescue and take them home, but I know I'd just be in the same mess I've been in for over a year. They are dogs and they can't keep me from doing the right things.

I was thinking about Bonnie and Zach today. Their deaths. I was thinking about how difficult it has been to have the dogs gone for just a day, how much I cry. I don't know that I was near as upset about Bonnie's death or Zach's as I am about the dogs being gone. I know it's because the dogs were in my life every minute of the day and Bonnie and Zach weren't. I know I don't care more about dogs than people. But it's safer to miss the dogs. I don't want to think of what it would be like to miss a person this much. Feeling this kind of emptiness hurts.

I could talk about what I remember about the dogs all day long. But I need to get past this hurt. I can finally see some blue sky and the sun is peeking out. I guess everything will be okay.

Horrible night

Having the cats in the bedroom was almost worse than having dogs in there. They walked all over me and because of my fibromyalgia it really hurt. I should have locked them out of the bedroom last night. I'm going to try to do that tonight. One or both of them is always in my lap when I'm out in the living room. I feel more trapped than I did with the dogs. They really need to go and soon. I have a lot of the same issues with the cats that I did with the girls. I'm worried about them being up on the counters and knocking drink glasses over. Paulie is on my legs and Minnie is staring out the back door. It's like the dogs have never been here for the cats. I'd like to bring them down to the Humane Society today but David has hockey tonight and won't want to do it. I guess I could do it myself.

Every little thing that I do in my day reminds me of the dogs. I was always so aware of them. Anything I got to eat they had some of - like honey nut cheerios, apple ends, bananas and cheese. They loved getting a bite of everything. And when I woke up, I missed the girls right away. There are some positives though. It's cold out today and I don't have to open the back door for the girls to go out. I don't have to worry about Blitz messing up the bed.

I can't think about this anymore right now. I'm feeling sad.

Today it is the Life Blog

It all started in the summer of 2005 when we got Skooter. The good times and the bad times. In the winter of that year we moved up to our "mountain home" in Woodland Park. Not only did Skooter come with us but Dyrk and his family came too. It was ideal living with the kids and grandkids up there and Skooter just rounded it all out so nicely. We gave up Skooter once while we were up there. Sent him back to his breeder because I just couldn't handle him. He wasn't a bad dog, I was a bad owner. I thought that was the saddest day of my life when I didn't have Skooter. Turns out it wasn't.

By mid-summer we had lost our home to foreclosure and our financial security to bankruptcy. The kids had gone back to Wisconsin. We still had Skooter but it seemed so lonely without the rest of the family. So in the summer of 2006, just after Skooter turned a year old, we added Moped to our family. I know, this is all ancient history, but I need to talk about it today. It was a joy having the two of them. At least for a while. Then is was nothing but chaotic for me. They were high energy dogs and I was a low energy person. It just didn't work. Again, not bad dogs but a bad owner. Anyway, we kept that as long as we could. Then I contacted the GSP Rescue down in Penrose and asked if they could be surrendered to the Rescue. I couldn't believe I was giving up my boys. But I did. I knew it was better for them to find homes separately. Together they were a force to be reckoned with. And we just couldn't even think of giving up just one of them. The guilt probably would have never left me had we done that. So we took both Skooter and Moped down to the Rescue so they could find more appropriate homes. It literally took me months to spend just one day not crying about giving them up. It was the most horrible period in my life.

Then Kris called and talked us in to fostering two 7 year old female GSP's that needed a home. I didn't really want to do the dog thing again, but keeping them for just a short time would be okay. So on 4/15/2007 we had Huxley and Blitz come and live with us. For the next year I battled depression. I got a part time job but had to quit because of fatigue and pain and it was difficult leaving the girls for almost 5 hours a day. They were going crazy being left home alone. So from the day we got them until now, it's just been a back and forth about whether to keep them. I knew it wasn't the best thing for me and once we found out David had allergies, it kind of closed the door on keeping them. But we did keep them for a year and a half because the Rescue couldn't take them.

Tabby, our 15 year old cat, died in April 2008. She had to be put down because she had hyperthyroidism and was dying. I didn't want her to suffer so we did the humane thing.

And that brings us to today 11/28/2008. Well, actually 8 days ago. On November 20th my friend from DBT Group, Bonnie, killed herself. She was 43 years old. Learning about her death was horrible especially knowing the way her life ended. It reminded me of when my brother had committed suicide 22 years ago. It's always so senseless and leaves everyone behind dealing not only with grief but with so much guilt and so many questions. The day after Bonnie died, all of us from DBT Group went out to Jeanne's house to tell her the terrible news (she had missed Group Thursday night). We went out East where she lives and told her and cried with her and mourned with her.

I thought that coming home to the dogs and the cats would be a comfort but it turned out to be a burden. I had to worry about how long I was gone and when David would be home so the dogs wouldn't be left alone for too long. I wanted to think about Bonnie but I had to worry about the dogs. And when a person puts an end to their life it makes you wonder about your own life. I realized that I wasn't happy being a pet owner. My house was always a mess, full of pet hair, and the carpet was ruined. I couldn't have friends over anymore because of the way the house looked and smelled. And it just wasn't fair to the dogs. I never took them for walks and they only had a small yard to run around in. Even though they are lazy dogs and sleep a lot, they are GSP's and just have tons of energy. I didn't want my life in pause anymore because of the dogs and cats. But when I asked Kris about taking them (yet again) she said there was no room at the doggy inn. So we decided again to keep them.

One week to the day after Bonnie killed herself our nephew, Zach, who was only 23, died from an aggressive form of leukemia. He had only been diagnosed 2 weeks ago. We never went up to see him in the hospital because we couldn't leave the girls for that long. And we just couldn't afford to take them to a day care. So Zach died and we didn't get to say goodbye. I haven't been able to say goodbye to Bonnie either. She was buried out of state and I don't know when or if they will have a Memorial Service for her here in town.

You just don't understand the word 'closure' very well until you don't have it. So my friends intervened and helped me do what I could not do on my own, especially at a time of so much loss already - they took the girls down to the Rescue today. With all the family stuff that will going on up in Lakewood, we'd have to constantly be making arrangements for the dogs and honestly I'm just too tired and too devastated to worry about dogs and cats. So Kitty and Lisa came by this morning, picked up the girls and headed to the Rescue. David and I left town when the left. I had a couple pictures of them that I tucked into my bag. I didn't even have to look at the pictures. Their wonderful faces were clear in my mind. Lisa called while we were out and told me that they had surrendered Huxley and Blitz. My heart broke. Like with Skooter and Moped, I knew it was the best thing for everyone involved, but that didn't keep my heart from being torn apart.

And I felt guilty for crying more for my dogs than I did for Bonnie or Zach. Or maybe it was an accumulation of the last 3 1/2 years - the mountain home, the finances, Skooter, Moped, Bonnie, Zach and now the girls. Maybe I'm mourning all my losses today. Ronda has lost her son and I'm crying about dogs. All I can do is shake my head.

Lisa said that dogs should enhance your life not take it over. Well, that's what Huxley and Blitz did. They took over my life. I was nothing but a glorified pet sitter. Don't get me wrong. I love them both so much, but I haven't slept through the night since we've had them. I couldn't enjoy a snowy or rainy day because I knew they'd be tracking it all into the house. And forget about sleeping late - Blitz always woke me up in the morning even though she'd already been out during the night.

So, I haven't been happy for a long time. I wish the girls would have added to my life instead of taking away from it. I would have kept them. But when you're staring death in the face twice in 8 days, you really start to put things into perspective. They are dogs. Our family and friends are what really matter. And my happiness matters too. I don't want to be a doggy door man anymore. All I want to do is grieve over all the people, pets and things that I've lost since 2005. I want to cry and not have to get up to let the dogs out. I want to sleep and not be woken up by the dogs. I want to go and mourn my nephew and my friend without worrying about what I'm going to do with the dogs.

I think that both David and I knew that we never should have taken in dogs again after giving up Skooter and Moped. That loss was just too devastating. But we tried with Huxley and Blitz. I know I tried so hard. But I'm just too sad right now to deal with dogs and cats. I want my house back. I want to be able to have friends over to help me get through being sad. I want to have a life again. My calling isn't to open a Rescue; it's too live a happy life with David.

Bonnie killed herself. Zach up and died. And the girls went to the Rescue today. Not so much a good week. I don't feel like celebrating the holidays and birthdays we have in December (and there are a lot of them) but I know that's where my life is - with my family and friends. The pain of giving up Huxley and Blitz will diminish one day. I know that because the pain of giving up Skooter and Moped has diminished. It hasn't completely left and I don't expect that it ever will. But one day, hopefully not too far off in the future, I can be happy again.

Bonnie, Zach and Tabby are with God. Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz are where they belong for now too. One day we will all be together again. I know we will, because I can't believe anything less.

It snowed last night. The girls had gone out into the back yard and left their paw prints in the snow on the deck. I couldn't help but cry when I saw their paw prints melting away. So much has melted away this past week. Now it is time for tears again. And time to get back to my life.

Surrendering Huxley and Blitz

Kris called tonight and said that someone may be interested in adopting Huxley and Blitz. She sent the person photographs of Huxley and Blitz. She'll call me when she knows anything.

They loves them some bunnies

The girls aren't up on the GSP website yet. I sent Kris an email asking if we can help in locating and owner or foster care. Things are getting more stressful for me personally (totally unrelated to the dogs) and I'm wanting to find the girls a home. I need to take care of me right now and that means no pets. I'm not even sure I could explain why that is, but it just is. Knowing that the girls will be leaving, I'm becoming a bit detached from them. I still love them and give the attention and care for them but I'm not 100% vested in them right now. I was thinking that it will be difficult to get them homes since they can't walk on a leash without pulling. I guess I need to work on that further. They get so excited when they get to go for a walk that all they do is pull. If they see a bunny it's even worse. lol They loves them some bunnies.

I haven't done a very good job with the girls. I should have spent much more time training them instead of letting them run the house. It's the same thing I did with Skooter and Moped. I'm just not the type of person who should have a dog and especially not TWO dogs!

I guess I could start later this morning and take them out one at a time and work on leash training them. They really need to learn to walk on a leash. And there are some other things I need to work on with them too. I guess using treats on the walk would help. I need to get some smaller treats though. Maybe I'll get something at the pet store. I know what I want I just can't think of what they are called at the moment. It's on the tip of my tongue.

I really need to work on Blitzie whining for what she needs. The whining has to be ignored completely. David has a hard time doing that though. He has trouble being patient and waiting for a break in the whining to give her what she wants. That's my fault too. I didn't take the time to discipline them and now I'm paying for it.

They both are doing great at sit and lie down (go to bed, too). They perform well for treats so I need to use those more in training. Just walking them around the cul de sac at first would be enough (for them and for me lol). I'd love to be able to take them on my walks but I like my shoulder in it's socket, if you know what I mean. *grin*

Well, it's almost 3:30am so I need to go back to bed. We are having lunch (a double date) with Mike and Lisa at 2pm today at Chili's. I'm really looking forward to that.

The wait...

I checked the GSP website and there are over 30 dogs (including 12 puppies!) listed for adoption. There are 4 seniors alone. It won't be easy to find a home for Huxley and Blitz (especially not together). Knowing that I might have them for 2 more months is difficult. Not because I don't love them, but because I do. It'll be hard every day not knowing when they will get adopted. I feel sad. I'm also worried about them scratching David. They jump on him and scratch him all the time and it could have caused the cellulitis he has in his leg. It's cost us over $100 already for the care for the celluliis. I mean, it's not the dogs fault. They just may have scratched him and some bacteria got in the scratch. But he may be more prone to getting cellulitis now. I wish I could keep the dogs but there are lots of personal reasons why I can't. I will miss them terribly when they get adopted. It would be weird if one gets adopted and not the other. They've been together all their lives. I know that they can adjust but I'm not sure how they will do without each other. That causes me some worry.

Huxley is nesting in the blankets on the floor (laundry) and Blitzie is nesting on the bed. The sheets and covers are all messed up. LOL I have to make the bed every night before we can go to bed. David slept in the other room last night because the girls were taking up all the room on his side of the bed and he couldn't move them. I don't want him to have to sleep in the other room.

I never thought to ask Kris about Skooter and Moped. I'm sure they are doing great. I still miss them. I guess it will be that way with Huxley and Blitz too.

Kris called me last night. She will post the dogs on the GSP site but can't take them into the Rescue because she has brand new puppies and is not accepting new dogs. She also has a litter due in about 3 weeks, so she won't be taking in new dogs for about 2 months. So, we'll have to keep Huxley and Blitz until someone adopts them. And they will probably be split up. That's sad but there's nothing I can do about it except pray that someone will take both of them. I don't mind that they are not going down to the Rescue but I wasn't intending on keeping them for months. Oh well, at least the ball is rolling. It's really difficult for me to give them up because it really has nothing to do with the dogs. It's for personal reasons. I still love them and care about them. I just can't keep them any longer.

Kris was appreciative of us sending money to the Rescue every month. I am glad that we can help. Kris has been a great help to us and has worked with us every step of the way. That is much appreciated.

I know I will be sad to see the dogs go and there will be many tears.

Nap over for me

I woke up from my nap. David and the girls are still in there though. They look so sweet. I will miss napping with them. Nothing from Kris yet.

We're back to the beginning again. I sent an email to Kris telling her that we want to give up Huxley and Blitz. I've been thinking about it for at least a month month and really since the day we got them. When Kris asked us to do foster care, I was fine with keeping them until they could get forever homes. Then I let myself believe that we could keep them permanently. I've never been comfortable with that decision. If, when I talked to Kris about sending them to the Rescue over a year ago, she had agreed to take them, we would have brought them to the Rescue. But I've realized that as much as I love them, and boy do I love them, I'm not a GSP Rescue. They are special dogs and need special owners. Even at 8 years old they still have a lot of playfulness in them. And as lazy as these two girls are, they still have more energy than I can deal with.

With everything that is going on in my life, including going back to work, it's difficult to find the time that they need. I don't exercise them as much as I should and it shows because Huxley had gained quite a bit of weight. Blitz is still pretty slim and trim. Huxley eats first and eats a lot. It's hard to keep her out of the food so Blitz can eat. We rarely take them on drives anymore. They did enjoy going to day care, but I really can't afford that every week. They deserve better then the sedentary life we are giving them. They are athletic dogs and need a higher energy owner.

I keep looking at them, Huxley especially, and think that they look like they know. But I know that they don't. I'm just transferring my feelings onto them.

I feel like I have failed them. I would have liked for them to be our forever dogs. But a dog, particularly a GSP, is just not in our future. I feel like an idiot because we've tried with four GSP's and it didn't work long term with any of them. I believe I have learned my lesson and will never get another dog. I'm even considering finding homes for Minnie and Paulie because I just don't want the responsibility of a pet. I know it's selfish, but I want my time to be my time and with four pets, it just never happens. I'm always tending to the dogs when they are in the house. When the dogs go out, then the cats come to sit in my lap. I love them too, but I just want my lap to myself some days. And I miss sleeping with David. The girls are always in between us and taking up the most of the bed. We've tried to get them to sleep on he floor, but they get on the bed when I am at work and they think the bed is theirs.

So, I'm back where I started - feeling sad and fearful because I have to give up my two dogs. It's a horrible place to be. I know I will cry for weeks and I will miss them terribly but that does not outweigh the issues I am having. And it's not because of the dogs. They are awesome. Blitzie is a bit of a whiner when she wants something but as soon as she gets it (water, to go out) she's just fine. They are both sleeping right now, Huxley on the blanket on the floor in the living room and Blitzie in our bed. She knows it's nap time. LOL

So, I'm waiting to hear from Kris. I asked if we could bring them down to the Rescue this weekend or next. If she's not able to take them in, I don't know what I will do. I guess I would have to start looking for homes for them myself. But I just don't want to do that. I know they will be happy at the Rescue with all the other dogs. Huxley and Blitz are very social. And their next owners will be better suited to take care of them.

I'm feeling sleepy, so I think I will go nap with Blitz. And I'm sure that Huxley will join us too. David might even be able to fit too! LOL

I am heartbroken once again. I won't do this to myself or to the dogs again. I promise.

Reinforcing the fence AGAIN!

Well, we had to reinforce the fence again because Huxley and Blitz were still able to get under it. We strung 2 cable wires through the fence and screwed them into the posts. I still think we might have to try something else. My thought was to run a 2"x4" along the ground and nail the fence into it. That way there would be no chance of them getting under the fence. That'll cost some money though for the lumber. We may just do a section at a time, getting the sections that are easiest for them to get under first.

I left work early today for a doctors appointment but I went by the house first to let the dogs out. They were glad to see me and to get outside. lol I was only home for about 10 minutes, then I had to head out to the doctors. Now I'm at Brakes Plus getting my Jeep repaired yet again. Thankfully we have the money to do it. I just hate leaving the girls so long today. David has the duty pager and won't be home until about 4pm. Hopefully they'll make it that long.

One of the dogs peed on the carpet in our bedroom last night. I cleaned it up and I'll have to get the rug cleaned again. I'm not sure which one of them did it but I'm thinking it was Blitz. She seemed like she was a bit under the weather yesterday. David will probably get home before I do so they'll be happy to see him.

Minnie and Paulie are still meowing a lot. I think they are still looking for Tabby or just miss her. I don't blame them. I miss her too. I was so used to seeing her sweet face poking out the kitty door into the hallway. Quite a few times, Huxley and Blitz, but especially Huxley would go nose to nose with her. The dogs would get so excited. Tabby just seemed bored. lol It 's hard for me to believe that I'll never hold Tabby again. I wish I would have been able to do more with her at the end, but she didn't like being touched or brushed much. I hate to admit it but I'd love to have another Tabby cat. I have pretty much always had a Tabby cat since the 1980's. Tabby Edward was the first. He was a goof ball. John got to keep him and he left him with a friend while he went TDY and the friend had Tabby Edward put to sleep - for no good reason! I'm still mad about that. He was a great cat. And of course we've had Tabby for the last 15+ years. But a kitten would be out of the question because I think the girls would eat a kitten. No kidding.

When Blitzie seemed poorly yesterday I worried that she might be sick. I'm kind of gun shy now that Tabby is gone. I can't imagine the cats or dogs getting sick. But they all are 7+ years old now. That's pretty young for my animals but it's not 'spring chicken' either.

I had to get up and go sit and my chair to sleep last night for a while because Huxley wouldn't move over to let me get into bed. What a bed hog. I think finally I was able to go back to bed and get Huxley to move.

Dang, it's getting cold here at the car shop. It's supposed to snow later today. I don't think the roads will be effected, but they say it will stick to the grass. Huxley and Blitz aren't big on going out in the snow like Skooter and Moped are. They are definitely indoor, spoiled, lazy girls. And I love them very much.

The Epitome of Laziness

Here is Blitz. She made a pillow out of my blankets and was being lazy. She's so precious.

Tribute to Tabby - Part 2

A few years ago, in October, we bought a second home outside of Woodland Park, in the Pike National Forest. We lived up there for about a year. Minnie, Tabby & Paulie lived there with us, along with Skooter, Olie and Genesis. We lived out in the forest and definitely had to make sure the cats didn't get out. We had a neighborhood fox and a not so friendly bear. There were postings that a mountain lion was in the area tool. We had to keep an eye on Skooter and the other dogs when they went out so they didn't end up a tasty little snack. I don't think the cats enjoyed living outside of Woodland Park in the forest. I think they knew they were just an hoursderve there.

The following summer David and I moved back to the house in the Springs. Tabby meowed the whole way down Ute Pass and across town (about an hour or so). They all were glad be home again. Tabby was doing great living here. Her weight was up to 13 pounds and she wore it well. LOL


Isn't she beautiful? She wasn't fat she was just fluffy. lol She thrived living here out East with us. Many nights we could hear her purring under the head of our bed. It was such a peaceful and content sound. I fell asleep to Tabby's purring many times.

Tabby was definitely a family pet. She loved both of us and would sit in our laps and purr until she fell asleep. Here she is with David.


It wasn't unusual to find Tabby in the sink, just laying there.

Or in the tub either.


She loved her brother, Paulie and her sister, Minnie. They weren't biologically siblings, but in their hearts they were. Minnie and Paulie grew up with Tabby in their lives. They didn't know life any other way.


I thought Tabby would live until her 20's. She was so happy and healthy. But I guess that wasn't meant to be. She started looking ill about 2 months ago. I thought she was just losing weight because she was getting older. Then she started peeing on the carpet. Then she lost a lot of weight. I had the vet come to see her and he did some blood work. He said he was pretty sure she had hyperthyroidism and would need to be on medication. A day or so later the lab work came back and confirmed that she did indeed have hyperthyroidism. Dr. G put her on some thyroid medicine and we waited a couple of weeks to see if it helped.

It didn't help.

I looked into her face one day and it was like she was pleading with me to stop the suffering she was going through. I know if was just me thinking that, but she certainly wasn't feeling good.

I made a decision on a weekend to have her put down. I loved her so much and just couldn't bear to watch her become so ill. She wouldn't take her medicine anymore and was throwing up more often. I called Dr. G on the morning of April 7th and left a message for him. I told him that the medicine wasn't having a noticeable effect and that Tabby seemed to be losing control of some of her bodily functions. It was time to let kitty go as Dr. G would say. Dr. G called me back within an hour or so and we discussed what the current situation was. He made an appointment to come out that day after I got home from work.

I spent a little time with Tabby telling her how much I love her and that it was time for her to stop suffering. I loved her enough to let her go. Dr. G came by at noon. I went into the cat's room and got Tabby. She didn't fight at all. I sat on the couch with Dr. G by my side. I held Tabby as he gave her the first injection, the one that would put her in lala land. It took effect quite quickly. She was purring the whole time. I just cradled her in my arms and loved her. I rubbed my hand along her head and neck. She seemed to really enjoy it. I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about this. I could feel her heart beating very fast, but she still purred. After a couple of minutes of me holding her and telling her how much I loved her, the medicine did it's job and she was zonked out. I had never enjoyed holding her as much as I did in those few minutes. Dr. G explained everything before doing it so I would know what was going on and what to expect. She continued to purr and I continued to pet her. Then Dr. G gave her an anesthtic that would stop her breathing and heart beat. She passed away within seconds. I could feel her heart stop beating. It was such a lonely moment. I hugged her and held her for a few minutes. I didn't want to give her up.

Then I was ready to say goodbye to Tabby for the final time. I handed her oh so gently into the arms of Dr. G. He was very sweet, kind and careful with her. He was going to have her cremated for us. I decided not to get her remains back. He held her in both hands, very gently. I was amazed at how small she had become. And very respectfully he walked her out to his mobile vet clinic. It was he last time I got to see her.

I cried a lot when she was gone. I even took the day off from work on Tuesday because I felt such overwhelming grief. I never realized just how much of a habit it was to see her. She was always peeking her head out that kitty door and giving me a tiny meow. I miss that and hearing her purring under the bed.

I take comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering. It doesn't lessen my grief though. We had Tabby for almost 16 years. She gave us a wonderful life and we were blessed to have her in our family. I don't think I will ever stop missing her.

"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown..."

I look forward to the day when I will meet all of my pets at the Rainbow Bridge.

The Dog Blog Pays Tribute to Tabby

Tabby was born in July of 1993. Her mom was literally an alley cat. She lived out back of our house in the alley. And she was pregnant. When she disappeared for a few days we knew the blessed event had taken place. It wasn't long before she was bringing the babies over to our back deck for a handout (which we happily obliged). The kittens were not human friendly though since they were born in a run down shack in an alley. Of course, some of them were braver than others and would even let us pat them.

I don't really know what it was about Tabby that made us pick her out of the crowd. Maybe it was just her sweet little face. But at the point when we decided that Mama cat and babies had to go to the Humane Society, we also decided to "keep" Tabby. We weren't actually allowed to have a pet in our rented home so we just kept her outside. For the first 5 years of her life she was strictly an outdoor cat, living in the shack across the alley that she was born in. She was always such a tender soul.

I'd like to tell some remarkable stories about Tabby but quite honestly she lived, for the most part, an uneventful life. She was always healthy, friendly and loving.

When she was five years old we decided to let her in the house, even though we weren't supposed to do that. She loved being an indoor kitty. She still went outside to do her business, but once she discovered the luxuries of living indoors, she was content to stay inside most of the day. Her life had been hard those first five years.

Tabby has moved around with us many times. Oh, I just remembered something that happened to Tabby. One day she was iin te backyard and a big, ole Magpie bird was buzzing Tabby's head. She was terrified, poor girl. That insane bird was picking on my cat and my cat didn't appreciate it much. Tabby was probably six when that happened. She stayed in the house more and more after that bird attack. When she did go out, she would slink across the yard and run to the shack. It was sort of funny at the time that a bird was terrorizing my cat.

Anyway, back to Tabby moving around with us. When we left the West side of town and moved into the middle of town, Tabby came along. She didn't care much for the cat carrier but she mad the trip across town. At this point she pretty much was a house cat but she still went outside to check things out. I remember, just like it was yesterday, seeing her running, with her belly so low to the ground that she looked like she was stalking something; but in actuality she was making a bee line for the back shed so she could hide underneath it from the birds. She was our only pet at that time.

Then we all packed up and moved even further east across town taking Tabby in tow. Because the neighborhood had foxes prowling around we decided that Tabby would become a full fledged indoor cat. She didn't seem to mind the change.

Well, I'm getting sleepy and so I'm going to head to bed. I'll continue the tribute to Tabby tomorrow. I'll add some pictures then too. I don't have the smarts to do it right now. lol Goodnight!