We're back to the beginning again. I sent an email to Kris telling her that we want to give up Huxley and Blitz. I've been thinking about it for at least a month month and really since the day we got them. When Kris asked us to do foster care, I was fine with keeping them until they could get forever homes. Then I let myself believe that we could keep them permanently. I've never been comfortable with that decision. If, when I talked to Kris about sending them to the Rescue over a year ago, she had agreed to take them, we would have brought them to the Rescue. But I've realized that as much as I love them, and boy do I love them, I'm not a GSP Rescue. They are special dogs and need special owners. Even at 8 years old they still have a lot of playfulness in them. And as lazy as these two girls are, they still have more energy than I can deal with.

With everything that is going on in my life, including going back to work, it's difficult to find the time that they need. I don't exercise them as much as I should and it shows because Huxley had gained quite a bit of weight. Blitz is still pretty slim and trim. Huxley eats first and eats a lot. It's hard to keep her out of the food so Blitz can eat. We rarely take them on drives anymore. They did enjoy going to day care, but I really can't afford that every week. They deserve better then the sedentary life we are giving them. They are athletic dogs and need a higher energy owner.

I keep looking at them, Huxley especially, and think that they look like they know. But I know that they don't. I'm just transferring my feelings onto them.

I feel like I have failed them. I would have liked for them to be our forever dogs. But a dog, particularly a GSP, is just not in our future. I feel like an idiot because we've tried with four GSP's and it didn't work long term with any of them. I believe I have learned my lesson and will never get another dog. I'm even considering finding homes for Minnie and Paulie because I just don't want the responsibility of a pet. I know it's selfish, but I want my time to be my time and with four pets, it just never happens. I'm always tending to the dogs when they are in the house. When the dogs go out, then the cats come to sit in my lap. I love them too, but I just want my lap to myself some days. And I miss sleeping with David. The girls are always in between us and taking up the most of the bed. We've tried to get them to sleep on he floor, but they get on the bed when I am at work and they think the bed is theirs.

So, I'm back where I started - feeling sad and fearful because I have to give up my two dogs. It's a horrible place to be. I know I will cry for weeks and I will miss them terribly but that does not outweigh the issues I am having. And it's not because of the dogs. They are awesome. Blitzie is a bit of a whiner when she wants something but as soon as she gets it (water, to go out) she's just fine. They are both sleeping right now, Huxley on the blanket on the floor in the living room and Blitzie in our bed. She knows it's nap time. LOL

So, I'm waiting to hear from Kris. I asked if we could bring them down to the Rescue this weekend or next. If she's not able to take them in, I don't know what I will do. I guess I would have to start looking for homes for them myself. But I just don't want to do that. I know they will be happy at the Rescue with all the other dogs. Huxley and Blitz are very social. And their next owners will be better suited to take care of them.

I'm feeling sleepy, so I think I will go nap with Blitz. And I'm sure that Huxley will join us too. David might even be able to fit too! LOL

I am heartbroken once again. I won't do this to myself or to the dogs again. I promise.