Day #4 with Harley

David was up a lot last night so that meant that Harley was up a lot too which meant that I was up a lot. Harley has never gone to the bathroom in his kennel and I am very grateful for that. So I had to take him out a few times last night but I didn't mind because he is such a wonderful puppy. He did have an accident in the house by the door this morning. Again, it was my fault for not noticing that he had to go. He is going to the bathroom outside most of the time though and that's awesome. Harley is in his kennel right now taking a nap. Gabe is here and he's played with him and Harley enjoyed that. Harley is pretty much attached to me already. He follows after me a lot. I'm hoping he sees me as his pack leader. I did order (from half.com so it was cheaper) the DVD series Cesar Millan has on Leadership. I think that will help me out a lot. I can't wait to get it.

Harley is already outgrowing the kennel I got for him just 4 days ago! So I looked on craigslist and found a bigger wire kennel for him. The guy I'm buying it from is going to bring it over at 1:30pm. I'll have to put some blankets in it for now and his bed because it's a wire bottom. I want him to have room to move around and stretch out and stand up without bumping his head. I'll sell the kennel I just bought on craigslist. That should pay for the new one I'm getting today.

Harley is doing great with his training. I'm working on "outside, inside, do your business and sit". I need to really work on "come" so he'll come to me better. He's not too bad about it but he mostly just does it when he wants to right now. I'm sure that Cesar's DVD's will help me out a lot. I wish I had them today so I could start training Cesar's Way right now. I should have them by the end of the week though.

I'm so happy that I'm feeling so much more relaxed with Harley than I did with Skooter and Moped. Different breed, different experience. I know it will get hectic as he gets older but if I can start out on the right foot we'll do great together. I love having him. We went out to breakfast this morning (Gabe's treat) and I really looked forward to getting home and seeing Harley. He was happy to see me too. I don't think he has much if any separation anxiety. He's always just sitting in his kennel when I get home. He's great. He's so good in fact that I'm more than willing to let him out of the kennel for most of the day because mostly he just sleeps. I'm going to enjoy that while it's happening. He'll be more active before I know it.

I just let him out of his kennel and took him outside. He didn't have to go to the bathroom. So I brought him back in and he's eating his lunch right now. I'll bring him out as soon as he finishes so he can poop. He's funny because he sits down to eat. At some point I'll get him the raised bowls. I like that set up. Now he's laying down and eating. He's too funny.

Routine trip to the vet

I had a much better day with Harley today. Not because of him but because of me. I realized that yesterday I was being hypervigilant like I use to be with Skooter and Moped. That almost drove me crazy so I decided that I didn't need to do that with Harley. So today he was out of his kennel most of the day and he slept and played and went outside. And I didn't whip myself into a frenzy. Training the human is way more complicated than training the puppy. lol He did have some accidents in the house today. Most were because I didn't notice or didn't keep him out long enough. I think one time it was because he realized that the big dogs were out in back of us. He didn't want to go out there. Later in the afternoon when David came home I asked David to bring him out. While they were out there the big dogs came to the fence. Harley was scared and stuck close to us. He did pretty good though.

Tonight we brought him to his first vet visit. I thought for sure he'd be running all over the place but he was his usual mellow self. The receptionist really liked him and gave him some treats. He loved that. Harley was excellent with the vet, Dr. McKenney. She gave him a clean bill of health and gave him his first of three series of shots. He didn't even notice she was giving him the shot because he was too busy eating the treats the doctor had given him. She said that he would be tired tonight. He didn't have a reaction to the shot which was a blessing. He's been in his kennel since we got home, sleeping the whole time. He's such a good boy.



I need to bring him back in September for his next shots and then in October for the last of the puppy shots (which includes his rabies shot). We don't get him neutered until he's about 5 or 6 months old. I'll have him microchipped at the same time. We might also get his dew claws removed. I don't really want to do that but David wants to. Of course I'll be the one taking care of Harley so I'm going to make the final decision. I brought in a poop sample to make sure he doesn't have any parasites. We'll be giving him a monthly heartworm medicine through October as a preventative measure. We'll also get him the dog flu shot since it's going around in Colorado.

Harley will probably sleep through the night tonight because of his shots but I'll get him out there before we go to bed so he can do his business. I'm hoping to have a better day tomorrow as far as housebreaking goes. I can't ask for more as far as his temperament and personality. He's great. Gabe will be here tomorrow so I'm hoping that doesn't throw off his housebreaking.

The only negative thing today is that my back is really hurting. I think it's from bending over so much. I'll have to be mindful of that from now on.

I made an order with Furry Friends last night and they delivered it today along with the dog treats that they leave. I'm going to have to wean him off of the Beneful. I gave him just the FF food today and he ate most of it. The vet said that I should be feeding him about a cup and a half of food each day. So that will be half a cup three times a day. I've fed him that much already today so no dinner for him tonight. Tomorrow I'll start the weaning process. He probably isn't very hungry tonight any way because he got his shot.

The journey to finding a dog

A lot has happened in the last few days. On Saturday we went to 7 different dog adoption fairs. I saw a few dogs who I kind of liked but they all had issues (separation anxiety, hand shy, too much energy, etc.). We started out at 11am and didn't finish up until about 3pm. We saw lots of dogs. It was good for me to see all the dogs though. It gave me an idea more of what I didn't want in a dog. I didn't want to inherit someone else's problems. I also didn't want "someone else's dog". I really wanted it to be my dog. David liked quite a few of them and was kind of anxious to get a dog but I didn't let that sway me. He did keep saying that it was my decision and I appreciated that he really knew that. So after 7 adoption fairs we headed home. I was anxious to check email because I had sent a lot of emails out about dogs on craigslist. But on the way home I asked David to make one more stop at our PetsMart to see if they were having an adoption fair. And they were. I really liked one dog there, Rocky, but he was very timid and hand shy. So I opted not to get him. Once we got home I checked emails and realized that a lady that I had been emailing with hadn't called me about a dog she had, a Jack Russell Terrier name Tevis. She said that he was highly trained so that would have been a big plus. I sent her an email and told her that I was still interested and wanted to see the dog. She called me within 5 minutes. We made plans to go right up to Palmer Lake and see the dog.

Tevis is a beautiful Jack Russell Terrier but he has WAY too much energy for me. He's fixated on his tennis ball too. He was constantly (and I mean constantly) wanted someone to throw the ball for him or he was looking for his ball (it was put up on a table). He was extremely fast and my biggest concern was that he would bolt out the door after a rabbit and never be seen again. Plus, he really was Linda's dog. She really didn't want to let him go but was doing what she thought was best for Tevis. She wanted to remain in his life though and I honestly wasn't up for that. Not that what she wanted wasn't okay but it's just that I wanted MY dog, no someone else's dog. The dog didn't seem to obey very many commands (sit, drop it, etc.). I didn't perceive him as being highly trained. Except when it came to his tennis ball. We considered Tevis but after just a few hours of thinking and worrying about him escaping or "her" dog getting hurt or lost I decided he wasn't the dog for me. I want a walking buddy but not one that has that much energy.

So at the end of day one we had seen about 80 dogs but didn't find that special one. Sunday morning we got up and after breakfast we went to to an animal shelter in Pueblo. They had about 50 dogs there! There was one, named Parker, who was cool. He is a Basenji. I strongly considered him but left without him. When we got home from Pueblo I researched Basenji's and called the shelter and asked additional questions and realized that he wasn't the dog for me either. He was a digger and a chewer on top of having boundless energy, being aloof and being a jumper (he could jump at least 5 feet straight up - it was amazing to see). After much consideration and research I decided that he was not the dog for me.

So I went back to looking for dogs on craigslist. I literally was looking at every post in the pets section for dogs. After looking at all the dogs we had seen Saturday and Sunday I was able to clearly see that a lab (or lab mix) was the kind of dog for me. I had read that a lab bred with a golden retriever was a great combination. So I sent an email to just about everyone who had a lab or lab puppy to rehome. Most of them were gone by the time that I had emailed. But I didn't feel discouraged at all because I knew that when I saw the dog I would know it was the dog for me. Mostly I would know because I wouldn't feel awful anxiety about him getting out of the yard or not housetraining properly or having too much energy. What I would feel is peace and calm over making the decision. So it was 5pm and the weekend was pretty much over so I conceded that a dog wasn't in the plans for this weekend. There was always craigslist and seeing other dogs at adoption fairs next weekend.

I was sitting down watching TV and saw an ad for an online, free classified site called gcolorado.com. I had seen the sight before but hadn't looked at it in a long time. So I went to gcolorado.com and checked out the dogs. On that site people were allowed to sell puppies from litter for a price (on craigslist you can only rehome a dog for an adoption fee or rehoming fee - no dog sales - although that's exactly what a lot of them really are). Anyway, on the second page of the ads I saw a listing for Golden Retriever/Black Lab puppies. That was the kind of dog that I really wanted. I was waiting on info from one other person about a beagle/heeler mix named Tacoma but called about the puppy anyway. We made an appointment to go right over and see the dog. I was a bit aprehensive about getting a puppy though. When we got to the house where the puppy was a got a call from the lady about the beagle/heeler - he was no longer available. So I could make a free choice about the puppy.

When we went in the house I first saw one of the female puppies that was not available (they were keeping her). She was darling. Then the lady's husband came in with the last puppy, a male, that was available. He was a handsome boy. I watched how he was with other people, other dogs and got a general idea of his personality and temperament. Now I was getting excited. He was the breed of dog I wanted, he was good looking and he was smart. Now I had a decision to make. I asked the people if it was okay for David and I to go outside to talk for a minute to make a decision. They were fine with that. It didn't take much time for me to decide that he was the dog for me. We went back in and told them that we would definitely take him. They were asking $150 in the ad for him but said we could take him for $100 (score!). They called him StarWars. I told her that we would be naming him Harley (Skooter, Moped and now Harley lol).

We didn't have anything for a dog to come home. I didn't even have a kennel to transport him. I held him on my lap the whole way home. He never fussed. He was well behaved (unlike Moped - yikes!) and seemed very calm and attentive. David watched Harley while I went to PetsMart to pick up some supplies. I got there 10 mintues before the store was closing! It was a quick shopping trip, to say the least. I got him a kennel that was on sale, dog bowls, dog food, a bed (which were not using yet, we wanted to make sure he wouldn't have an accident in his kennel) some toys and pooper scooper bags. I promised myself that I would clean up after this dog every time it went to the bathroom. Now, I know that's not really going to happen every time, but I'm going to stay on top of the yard this time. No waiting for a week to pay someone else to come out and clean it.

When I got home from the store David and Harley were sitting together. It was so sweet. Harley had fallen asleep. That made me believe that he was comfortable in his new surroundings. I put him down on a towel in the bottom half of his kennel (I hadn't put it together yet) and he slept for at least an hours. Then he woke up, went outside and did his business. He got excited about everything that I brought home. He wanted to explore each thing as I took it out of the bag. While he did that (explored) I put his kennel together. He slept through the night in his kennel!! We both were amazed that he did that. I woke up a few times just to listen for him but he was fine. When he first got in the kennel he wined and howled (which was kind of cute but I'm sure it would wear on me if he did it all the time) but then he settled down and went to sleep.

He got up at 4am mostly I think because the auto timer turned the light on. He probably would have slept longer if the light hadn't come on. But I was thrilled that he slept that long. I got up and took him outside to do his business and he did. No accident in the kennel. Woot! This was a good sign.

I'll admit that the first day with him was very rough. Not because of him but because of me. I didn't just let him be. I was constantly watching him and making sure he didn't touch anything he wasn't supposed to (meaning everything but his toys). I pretty much made myself miserable the first day. And there really was no need to do that because even at 9 weeks, he's a very well behaved dog. He was already sitting to go in and out the door and when I gave him food. I think part of the stress I was feeling was lack of knowledge of how to take care of a puppy. I just couldn't remember what it was like with Skooter and Moped. By the time David got home I was feeling frantic and thinking that I had made a mistake. But I talked to David about it and he offered for me to go out and he's watch Harley. That was the best thing he could have done for me. So I went to the store and got us something for dinner. I wasn't gone too long but long enough to realize that I had whipped myself into a frenzy over this dog. I was trying to do everything on his schedule and wasn't making him adapt to my schedule.

I went out during the middle of the day for my appointment with Marianne and left him home, in his kennel for a little over 2 hours. He did just fine. I wasn't going to cancel my appointment to stay home with him.

By evening time I was feeling much better, much more calm and relaxed. I could see that he was a mellow dog and that I didn't need to get so anxious about the whole thing. And I knew that the chances were good that he'd sleep through the night again. We went to bed earlier the second night than we did the first and that helped too. He did sleep through the night again. When the light went on at 4am he woke up. I took him out and he did his business. We came back in and he went back into his kennel and I went back to bed. We got up agian around 6:30am or so. I fed him and he went outside and pooped right away. I put him in his kennel so I could go to the store and get some milk and he was fine while I was gone. I came home and had my breakfast and then let him out of his kennel to play. He loves this Kong toy I got for him that has "tails" that he can bite on and a squeaker sewn into it (don't worry, it's stiched up really well). He played for about an hour.

I made a mental decision that I wasn't going to just sit there and watch him all day like I had done the day before. That was nerve racking. I was going to do the things I would normally do and needed to do while he was out of his kennel. He's been out for almost 2 hours now and all he's done is sleep. He went out a few times to do his business and then came right back in to sleep again. He's very mellow and that's the kind of dog I need. I know there will be rowdy times and as he gets older he won't sleep as much, but I just don't see him being a problem like Moped was. Dont' get me wrong, I love Moped, but he just had way too much energy for me (or Skooter!). Harley is definitely the right temperament for me.

So we've had a very relaxing morning and Harleykins had behaved very well. He does try to bite ont he furniture and rug but I tell him 'no' and give him his toy to chew on and he seems happy. Today I feel totally good about the decision I made to get him. I know there will be other days when I doubt my decision again but I think most days will be pleasant with Harley.

I already got food delivered from Furry Friends. They have a puppy blend that is much better then the Beneful. I believe in feeding a premium kibble so that the dog has a better chance of staying healthy. Speaking of healthy, I already have his first appointment at the vet set for 5:10pm tonight. I'm going to take him to the vet instead of having Dr. G come to the house. He'll need to be neutered at some point and that's easier at a clinic than doing it at the house. He'll get a checkup and get his first shots. He'll probably tired after that so I expect him to be sleepy tonight (although I'm not sure how much more sleep he can get in one day! haha). He seems to be pretty healthy so I don't anticipate any problems.

His first owners did an awesome job on training him. He's a very smart and well mannered boy. You can tell that they put a lot of time in with Harley. I'm grateful that they were such good owners. And I'm very grateful that they parted with him so we could have him. He's a treasure.

So now we begin a new adventure with Harley the Retriever and his best buddy Samantha. I'm looking forward to the day when I can take him up on the trail to get him used to other dogs and people and different things to look at. That will be great. I know he'll enjoy that too.


Here's a picture of Harley and his Kong toy. He has a little white under his chin and on his chest. I'll get better pictures of him as we go along.

In other news, today is Huxley and Blitz's birthday. They are 9 years old today. I'm a little sad that I can't be with them, but I love knowing that they have a wonderful home up in Woodland Park. I know their new owners are taking very good care of them. Happy Birthday Huxley Buxley and Blitzie Witzie!! I love you and miss you.



Okay time for me to get some stuff done. Gabe will be here tomorrow for a day or two on his journey back to Milwaukee and I need to get this house straightened out a bit. Harley is still sleeping so I should be able to get some stuff done. If he gets up I'll keep him with me as long as he's not too hyper and I can get him to play with his toy. If he's too much I'll let him enjoy a nap in his kennel.

This is a big commitment that I'm making, owning a dog. And it's an even bigger one starting out with a puppy. I'm determined to make this work though. Giving him up is not an option (okay, on bad days it'll be an option in my head only, but he's not going anywhere). I'm really glad that God worked things out so we could get him. Oh yeah, after we got home the lady that had the beagle/heeler dog called and said that he was available again (some young kid without parents permission had taken him but had to bring him back). I told her that we had just bought our puppy and we're no longer interested in Tacoma. She was very nice about it. So things worked out the way they should have and I'm happy. And Harley seems happy too.

Second thoughts

I'm up and it's 1:30am (ugh!). I was looking over ads on craigslist for animals that need to be rehomed (given up) and the sheer number of animals is overwhelming. I'm not judging anyone. I've done my own rehoming of 4 dogs and 2 cats. It just makes me feel so sad that there are so many animals that are probably going to end up at the Humane Society. They are crowded as it is. I don't know. It's just making me sad tonight. It makes me think that maybe I should be doing something for these displaced animals, like volunteering or fostering. I just don't know that I want the responsibility for a dog. I'm being honest. I wouldn't get a dog unless I could be 100% committed to it but I have to ask myself if I am ready for that commitment. David's at work all day and all the responsibility for the dog will fall to me. Am I okay with that? There really is a part of me that thinks that having a dog would just be awesome but there is also a part of me that is afraid to own a dog again. I would think that I have to err on the side of caution. If I'm having second thoughts then I should probably stop this search for a dog. I don't want an animal to be unhappy because I'm being selfish. It's not all about me. It's about the dog too.

What makes me think that I can do anything different this time around? I haven't significantly changed as a person. I'll be bringing in all the same aspects of myself that I brought to the table before. And those situations didn't end well for me. I really miss all of my dogs but I just wasn't 100% committed to taking care of them. I certainly 100% loved them but that's just not enough for a dog. It's a lifetime commitment. Can I make a lifetime commitment? Oh the irony of having all these second thoughts on the day that I've set aside to visit about five adoption fairs. I don't want to come home with a dog just because I dared to look. I really have to think this through.

Maybe I shouldn't go to the adoption fairs at all. Or maybe I should go to see what happens to these dogs when they are given up. Why as humans do we breed so many animals? There is certainly a surplus population out there, yet breeders keep breeding and people still don't get thier animals spayed or neutered. I wonder what God will think of us when we get to heaven. I can't imagine he'd be thrilled that we 'made' more than we could use and just kind of dumped the rest. I don't know why I'm getting all philosophical about this. I guess that's what I do at this time of the day. I don't know if I get to the core of me during these times or if I'm just tired and not thinking straight. Either way I have to look past me and be truthful with myself about what having a dog means to me. If I'm already looking for ways out then it's not the time to get a dog. Is it okay to have second thoughts about this? Is it alright that I'm really questioning whether it's a good thing to do or not?

I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm kind of making myself crazy here. I guess I'll see how I feel when I get up in the morning and just go from there. There's no harm in looking at dogs. I don't feel any pressure to bring one home. Actually I feel more pressure to not bring a dog home. I so want to do the right thing for me and for the dog. I'll set the struggle aside for now and go back to bed. That's the best thing I can do right now.

JRT

I sent an email to a lady about a Jack Russell Terrier that is a four year old male. He was a show dog and has had lots of training. He's a beautiful smooth coat boy. I'm hoping that David and I could see him sometime tomorrow. I have my doubts about a JRT being the dog for me but I'm willing to give him a chance. I did a lot of research on JRT's, their history, temperament, traits, etc. It was interesting to learn so much about them. I sent the owner another email with my number so she can call me and we can set up a time to see the dog.

The closer I get to the realilty of having a dog again, the more I take a step back and evaluate the situation. I don't know that a JRT would be a good match for me/us but I still think I can learn from the experience of considering a JRT. Learning what I DON'T want is as important as learning what I do want. Since I don't have a lot of experiences to look back on I have to learn from current situations.

I know the easiest thing to do would be to NOT get a dog. Would I really take a dog for a walk twice a day? Would I clean up the yard EVERY day? Would I have the energy and inclination to do obedience training every day? Lots of questions I have to answer before I decide to get a dog. I am going to look tomorrow though. There are SIX adoption fairs around town from 11am - 3pm. I'm not sure we'll get to all of them or if we'll even need to get to all of them but I'm up for the challenge.

I can't expect a dog to change my life. My life is what it is. I'm a low activity person and I need a dog that would gel with that type of life. I do want a dog to walk with me but I also want him to be mellow when he's home. I'm still thinking that a labrador/golden retriever mix would be awesome. It's a big dog, but a mellow dog. As long as I can keep up with the yard I'd be okay.

But will I keep up with the yard? I think I will but I've never done it before. I've let it go for weeks and then had a guy come and clean it up for me. I don't have the money to do that now and I also don't want poop being out there for a week. I need to pick up poop every time the dog goes to the bathroom. It has to be a daily chore for this to work. I just need to get into a routine.

Truth be told, I'm scared. Getting a dog is a big commitment. I have to give 100% to a dog. Life would change for me again. Am I ready for that? Do I want that? I don't want an adorable face to sway me. I feel that I can stand strong and say 'no' to any dog I have issues with. That's what makes now different from then. I know in my brain and in my heart that it's okay to say 'no'. I know there is no rush to get a dog, if I get a dog at all. But tomorrow I'm not going to let all this ruin the fun of checking out dogs. That's something I would do whether or not I wanted a dog.

I'm going to do some more research on what it takes to be ready to take in a new dog, whether it's a puppy or an older dog. Being informed is very helpful.

A dog and my friends

I sent an email to Kitty and Lisa to let them know I've decided to get a dog. I sent them an email so I could tell them at the same time and because I feel like I can express myself better in writing than I can verbally. Kitty has already responded to me. She brought up a very good point - if David and I are not on the same page with training a dog and how we handle the dog then it's going to end up with me rehoming another dog and I don't want that again. David and I have to be consistent with how we treat the dog. I'll have to talk to him about that today and see if we can come to an understanding. If not, then getting a dog will not happen.

On craigslist this morning there's an ad for a chocolate lab. I sent an email to the owner asking some questions about the dog. I haven't heard back yet from the person. The dog is a 1 year old male who is "well mannered" (whatever that means). Again, I'm in no rush to pick out a dog. I feel like all of my options are wide open. I can't afford to NOT be picky about what dog I get. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may not find a dog for a while but that in the end it will be worth the wait.

I didn't put much thought or research into getting Skooter and Moped. David wanted to get them so we did. That was pretty much it. And Huxley and Blitz, well I felt like I had to take them so they wouldn't be separated. I constantly went back and forth on whether to keep them or not. In the end I felt like I did the right thing by rehoming them all but now that I look back, I should have put more time and effort into their training and I definitely should have brought David on board.

** phone call **

Just talked to Lisa about the dog situation. She brought up some good points for me to think about. There are lots of emotional things I'll be able to work through just thinking about getting a dog and that's good. Getting the dog may be down the road (or it may be tomorrow) but I can use all the things it brings up in me to better myself. I know what effect it's had on me already is that I'm happier. I feel like just looking for a dog gives me some purpose. I've been getting up earlier and not napping so much. Of course, it's not just researching a dog, it's researching anything. Researching makes me feel alive. I get to use my brain and think outside the box (which is my brain). So this can be a good thing for me as a person. And I honestly know it's not really even about the dog, it's about me.

I do need to keep in mind that a smaller dog is probably better for me at this time in my life. A big dog is just too much work. I don't know that I want that again. I'd like a dog that can sit in my lap and go walking with me but that also doesn't take up all my time (waking me up, getting the door, etc.). The dog I get needs to fit into my life, not me fitting into it's life. If I can't find a dog like that then I just won't get a dog. I don't want to worry about a dog jumping our small fence and running around the neighborhood or getting hit. I also don't want to worry about a dog that will knock me over. As much as I miss Huxley and Blitz, I don't miss their size and power. It's nice to have my bed back. lol

So I'll go look at dogs tomorrow and try to get an idea of what I need to be looking for in a dog. I feel no pressure to get a dog tomorrow. There are lots of dogs out there and when the time is right, I'll get one. But until then I'll definitely use all of this stuff that I'm discovering to help make me a better person. Like the saying goes "I want to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am".

Just thinking about things

It's funny but now that I've decided to get a dog I feel no pressure to get one. I've looked at a few on craigslist tonight but nothing that really caught my eye. I'm excited that there are 3 adoption fairs in town this Saturday. I feel like I won't find "the dog" this weekend but that's okay. I'm in no rush. A dog will be more work for me, especially keeping the yard clean, but I feel that I'm up to the challenge now that I'm not working. And I'll be able to walk the dogs on my walk each day. I'll have to keep it on a leash for a while but eventually I'd like to be able to have a dog off leash. It'll take a while to be able to do that but I can be patient. I wouldn't want my dog to run off and get lost. That would be tragic after all I've gone through with my dogs.

I was thinking about Moped tonight because someone on craigslist said their dog talked like a Wookie. Moped was always making Wookie noises. I loved that about him. There is a GSP on craigslist but I have to keep telling myself that a GSP is just not a good match for me. As much as I love the breed I'll have to go with a mellower less enthusiastic dog. I think about Huxley and Blitz a lot. I wonder how they are doing. I'd love to see a picture of them playing in their yard again. Oh well, I know they are well loved and well taken care of now.

One of the things I realized is that I'm afraid my friends will think I'm crazy for getting another dog but I'm willing to deal with that. I really miss having a dog. I know it will keep me busy but now that I'm home all the time it shouldn't be nearly as draining as it was with the others. I know that I can't get two dogs and especially not two puppies like Skooter and Moped. They really were too much for me. If I had just kept Skooter it might have worked because he was out of the draining puppy stage. He was still a puppy but not like Moped. I can't belive when I think back on it that I had to keep them tied up even when they were in the house. No that's out of control.

I wonder if now that I've given myself permission to get a dog if the need to get one will decrease. I'm not going to spend too much time thinking about that. I'll know as I go along how I feel. I'm trying to go into this with my eyes wide open this time. I know I need a dog that's good on a leash, that's for sure. I don't want to have my shoulder pulled out of the socket like the other four did to me. I think about being a calm and assertive 'pack leader' and wonder if I'm going to be able to pull that off. I love to baby my dogs and that's not a good thing. I need to exercise them, discipline them and then give them affection. That's the way the dog whisperer says to do it and he has an awesome pack of dogs.

I've already looked at some training I could get a dog into. The person that I'm looking at also does therapy dog training. I wouldn't mind having a certified therapy dog. I also should look into agility training for a dog, especially if it's a sporting dog breed. The more I can get the dog involved in the happier we'll all be.

I'm getting a dog

I've decided that I am going to get a dog. After much consideration and discussion with Marianne, I think it would be a good thing for me to get a dog. Beside the dog being a good companion and making me happy it will give me a chance to work out my commitment and responsibility issues. The worst thing that could happen is that I realize that I am still not ready for the commitment and responsibility and I would have to find the dog a good home. But giving up the dog is NOT going to be an option this time. I know now that the first 2 years of having a dog (whether it's a puppy or an older dog) is an adjustment period for not just the dog but for me too. Things will be challenging during the time that I'm getting the dog adjusted to living here and that's going to be okay this time. What I thought about was how children are difficult for parents but they don't give them away. They get through the rough times with encouragement, support, humor and sometimes some tears. I need to allow myself the imperfections of owning a dog and the imperfections of being human.

This dog will allow me to work through issues that I've been dealing with forever. I gave up my other dogs because I thought that someone else could do a better job with them than I could. But as I look back I realize that I did a very good job with my dogs. I just wasn't mentally in the right space to have Skooter and Moped. Huxley and Blitz, well, I just thought they deserved better than me. I know now that I am deserving of having a dog and that the dog can get as much from me as I can get from it. And I know it's okay to have difficult times with a dog. It's not all going to be perfect.

I'm still ready to wait for the right dog. I don't want to make a rash decision about a dog and end up regretting it for the life of the dog. I've already given up enough. I miss all of my dogs. If I had been in therapy back then, maybe I could have kept my dogs. But that's water under the bridge now. Now I'm looking for a dog who will help me get through my therapy. It's okay for me to count on a dog to help me out. Dogs like to have jobs and this dog's job will be to help me move forward as a person.

I do have some doubts, not about the dog but about me. Will I be a good owner? Will I have what it takes to train him/her? I know now that I will be a good owner and I am good at training my dogs. So it's a dog for me. I just don't know when or who but that will sort itself out.

Putting the brakes on this runaway train

I've decided not to go see the Mauzer puppy. A toy breed just wouldn't work for me. I want a real dog. I've also decided not to go to the Humane Society tomorrow. It's too difficult to tell what temperament the dog has and how he/she reacts when they only let you visit with them in a tiny room. I need to know how a dog will behave on a leash. That's critical for me. I'm not in any rush and know I don't have to make any decisions until I'm ready. I won't get a dog just to get a dog. I will make sure that it's the absolute right fit for me (which means I may not get a dog at all). We're still going to visit the adoption fairs on Saturday though. If nothing else, it will be fun to see all the dogs. An older dog, one that has already proven itself may be a better choice than a younger dog who needs lots of training. So anyway, I'm putting the brakes on this runaway train and slowing down to give myself time to think. There is no rush for me to get a dog. I've gone this long without a dog and I've been okay. Waiting days, weeks or months would be fine. I have to make sure I am really ready for a dog before I get one. I have to make a 100% commitment and I have to not let myself get into the thinking that the dog would be better off with someone else. Really I'm just missing Huxley and Blitz. I sure would like to have them back. They were good dogs for me and my lifestyle. Oh well, what's done is done.

I realize that I want a dog that can be a therapy dog for me. I did some research on PSD's (Psychiatric Servie Dogs) and found that people with my issues (major depression, PTSD, BPD) can greatly benefit from having a dog. But not just any dog. It has to be a thoughtful, intelligent, mellow dog. A dog that is chaotic would just make things worse for me. I need a dog that will add peace and calm to my life, not chaos. So again, that may mean no dog at all. I'd like to get a PSD but they are incredibly expensive (like over $10k!). I understand the cost because of all the specialized training but I obviously don't have that kind of money to put into a dog.

As far as breeds that I'm interested in, I think a labrador (black, chocolate or yellow) would be a good pick. But it's not just the breed, it's the individual dog and it's temperament and personality. I also have been doing research on how to pick out a good dog. It's not that easy but I have picked up a few hints. I'm going to do more research and see what I can find on testing a dog for temperament and personality. I'll take advantage of all the resources that are out there.

Off to do some research.

Mauzer or Lab

There's another puppy on craigslist that I'm interested in. I sent an email and already got a reply. I've sent another email asking if I could see the dog tomorrow. The dog is a Mauzer (Mini Schnauzer and Maltese mix), male, 12 weeks old. He's a cutie. He'll probably grow to be about 10 pounds at the most. Getting a small dog might really work for me. It would be a lot easier to take care of than a large dog. But I haven't made any concrete decisions yet. I'd like a dog that would be easy to take with me. And I'd love a dog that I could bring over to my friend's houses.

But I'm also thinking about a large dog, a labrador. I wouldn't mind getting a young or adult lab. I'd like it if it was already potty trained and knew some commands. A lab would be a good walking buddy. I'm not sure that the Mauzer would be a good walking buddy. lol I'm a bit hesitant to get a dog off of craigslist because I'm not sure I could tell what kind of temperment the dog has if it's not around other dogs or people. Seeing dogs at adoption fairs would make that possible. I'll just have to see how this all pans out.

Research

I need to give a lot of thought to getting a dog. I really need to make sure it works for me AND the dog. I've spent a lot of time researching dog breeds. I'd love to have a GSP but I just don't know that it would work if it's a high energy GSP. They were one of the recommended dogs for our lifestyle though. I guess I'll just have to see what's available this weekend that might match our lifestyle. If there isn't a dog that is a good match, then we wait. I feel stupid for wanting a dog when I've already given up four dogs. I'm just really going to have to think about this.

Figuring some things out

It's almost 3am and I'm up for no good reason. I do my most honest thinking this time of day so I thought I'd blog about getting a dog. Am I really ready for another dog? I feel like I am. I feel like I always have been ready for another dog. Can I take care of a dog the way it needs to be taken care of? Yes, I think I can. What's different for me now is that I am more active than I was just months ago. I can offer a dog a nice walk each morning to start his/her day. I feel that I can keep up with grooming and with cleaning the yard. I won't feel held back by a dog because I want a dog in my life. I'm home most of the time anyway so giving a dog attention and training will work into my schedule now. Not working a part time job will make a huge difference. Any dog that I get shouldn't be bored if I'm walking him/her daily and spending lots of time on training (basic commands and more). And of course there's also time for cuddling too.

I realize that this is a major step for me mentally and emotionally. There is always this mysterious "they" that I consider when making decisions. "They will think that I shouldn't have a dog." "They will think I'm stupid for getting a dog." Negative thoughts like that. There is no "they", it's just all in my head. But somehow I feel like someone is supposed to give me permission to get a dog. When I think it through I can see that 'they' is really the remnants of my mom. I wouldn't have been able to make this kind of decision without going through her for an okay (even as an adult) so I go through 'her' in my head. I'm an adult now and have my own life. She has been gone for 9 years now. It's time for me to let go of her and stand on my own. Well, not really on my own since I want a dog beside me. ;)

Getting a dog is a big commitment. It always has been. So why did I rehome my four dogs? Well, it was my 'mom' again. When I was growing up my mom would give away my pets to other, more deserving people. One time I was out bowling and when I came home she had given my dog away. I was just a kid and didn't really understand what had happened. I didn't know to think that it was wrong of her to do that. I took in the lie that my pets would always be better off with someone else. I know now that's not true but I didn't know that last November when I rehomed Huxley and Blitz. I thought that because I had issues with them that I should give them away. But I equate it to a person with a baby or child who keeps them up at night or gives them a hard time - you don't give your kid away because they aren't behaving properly all the time. And these dogs were my kids. But it was so easy for me to feel like I didn't deserve my dogs and that giving them away was the natural thing to do. I was just continuing on my mother's work.

I'm not saying that having a dog is going to be easy or without complaint but what I am saying is that I'm not going to do what my mother did to me anymore. I still feel like all four dogs are my dogs. I wasn't ready to let any of them go. I just did to myself what my mom would have done to me in this situation. That stops now.

No one is talking me into getting a dog. It's my decision wholeheartedly. I don't need to make it anyone else's decision anymore. If I told myself that they were David's dogs then I wouldn't have given them up but they were my dogs and giving them up was just part of what happens with me. No, I'm deciding this time. I'm saying that I want to get a dog for me and be proud that it is my dog and that I made the decision. I'm not going to live in fear anymore. I won't have to be afraid that my dog will have to go to someone who deserves it more than me. No one will deserve my dog more than I do.

I'm learning a lot through this dog situation. Even if I ended up not getting a dog, I've made progress in an area where previously I was lacking fortitude. I'm not going to be mean to myself anymore. I won't be thoughtless when it comes to my needs and wants. If I find the right dog, I'll be bringing him home and loving him forever. If something drastic happened and I did have to rehome the dog, then it would be my decision to do that, not my mom's. But I don't see any reason for that to happen now that I know what I have been doing (getting dogs and giving them away to more deserving people). Knowing the truth willl make a difference.

I'm excited about getting a dog now. I don't have to feel like I need permission to get a dog and I don't have to fear giving him/her away to more deserving people. I can own up to making the decision to get the dog and most importantly for keeping the dog. I'm not going to feel like I'm not good enough or not deserving enough to have a dog. I'm not going to let my mom run my life.

So the plan is to go to the Adoption Fairs on Saturday. There will be a few around town this weekend. I don't feel like I have to come home with a dog. I can wait until I KNOW it's the dog for me. I might check the Humane Society again on Friday too. I'm sure there will be other dogs available that weren't available yesterday and new dogs that have come in to the shelter. I want to give a dog a home that really needs and deserves one. I don't need to place an order with a breeder this time to justify getting a dog.

I know it's going to involve a lot of work and a change in our environment to have a dog. I'm up to the challenge. There may be days when I'm not completely up to the challenge but I know from having Huxley and Blitz that even on difficult days, I can take care of my dogs. I feel so much lighter and less sad knowing that a dog may be in my future. I'm a dog person and I am going to have a dog. My depression will be helped by having a dog to pat and love. I can be kind to myself and give myself this gift.

I wish Saturday was here already so I could go and look at dogs but I realize part of this process is patience. I need to wait for the right dog at the right time. I'm in no rush. I've been praying that God would lead me to the right dog and keep a dog out of my life that won't work in the long run. I don't know if that will help or not, but I figure it never hurts to pray.

rats!

The dog is not available. *pout* Well on to adoption fairs this Saturday.

A happy boy

I found a dog on craigslist. I'm interested in getting more information on him so I sent an email to the current owner. He's a Bernese Mountain Dog/Australian Shepherd mix (although he looks more like a cattle dog than a australian shepherd). He's about 70 pounds, a big dog, but he is fully grown. He's 20 months old. Of course all I've seen is a picture but he looks like a happy boy. I hope his current owner emails me soon so I'll know if he's available or not. I could go look at him tomorrow but I'd need to have David with me to make sure the dogs likes him too. I wouldn't make a snap decision. I would think about it before I decided.

There's also a bunch of adoption fairs this Saturday at the PetsMarts in town. That would be a good place to see a dog around people and other dogs and lots of stimulation. I want a dog. I want a good dog that is the right fit for me. I want a walking buddy and a dog that would be okay being left alone for a few hours. So much to think about.

I'm already feeling happier just thinking about getting a dog. A dog would be great therapy for me. I'm willing to wait to find the right dog though. It won't make me miss Huxley and Blitz any less to have another dog, but I don't think I'd feel so empty inside if I had a dog.

Sans dog

Well, I came home sans dog. The GSP we looked at much too much dog for me. He wasn't fixed either. Very nice looking boy but just too much energy and power. I guess I needed to see him to convince myself once and for all that a GSP is not the dog for us. As much as I love the breed, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle. There were lots of dogs at the HS but I was only interested in looking at the GSP. I'm sorry we had to pass on him and I pray that he gets a good home, as well as all the other dogs there.

A smaller dog, that won't jump the fence and pull my shoulder out of the socket, is what I should get. I need a dog that I can handle. There were some cute ones at the HS but nothing that really piqued my interest. I do want a dog though. I am more miserable without a dog than I am with one. And the only reason I was miserable was because I just didn't do the right things with the dogs I had. It wasn't their fault at all.

So I'm home without a dog and somehow dealing with it. I would have taken home that GSP if he had the right temperment. I mean, he was a happy boy and all, just too wild. He did know how to sit though, so I know he's a smart dog. Anyway, it wasn't meant to be at the HS today. I can live with that.

A reason to get up every day

Today when David gets home he's going to take me down to the Humane Society. I asked him to take me there. There is a GSP down there that I want to see. He's about 5 years old and looks like Skooter and Moped. I have been praying about this for months now. I'm just not happy without a dog. My depression is worse when I don't have a dog. A dog would give me a reason to get up every day and go walking. I'm lonely and I'd like a companion. I love dogs and want to have one again. I don't know that I'll actually get a dog today but I want to allow myself to think about it.

Broken Heart

I talked to Marianne today about the dogs. I cried when I talked about them. I miss Huxley and Blitz. I had a dream about Skooter and Moped last night. I miss them too. I'm not sure what it is that I miss. I know it's a lot of work having a dog (or two) but there is something that makes all the work worthwhile. But what is it? I guess it's the unconditional love they had for me. I loved coming home and having them greet me. Of course I didn't like when I got to the kitchen and found that they had been in the trash. See that's the thing for just about anything I can think of that I liked there was also something about it that I didn't like. I think I've been thinking about them more since I started walking. It would be nice to have a walking buddy. I see everyone up at Palmer Park with their dogs and I wonder why I can't have a dog. Could I do it right this time? Would I end up giving away another dog? I couldn't do that. It would hurt so much. I know that I never should have given any of them away. It was a responsiblity that I took on and dropped. That wasn't a good thing for me. The dogs have all lucked out and have great homes with other people but that doesn't make this any easier. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I just know that I miss my dogs. Having another dog wouldn't necessarily make that sadness go away. Marianne told me to pray about the sadness I feel and let God do His thing with my broken heart.

Heaven

It's been two month since I last wrote in the Dog Blog. I wish I could say that things have changed tremendously and I'm no longer missing my dogs but that would not be the truth. I still miss all four of them and the cats too. My guilt over giving them up is overwhelming. I especially miss my Huxley and Blitz. I can't believe that I gave them up. I know they have a good home in Woodland Park but they were happy with me too. I think about the people who now own them and wonder if anything happened to them (horrible thought I know) could I get my dogs back. I just haven't been able to let go of them. I still think of them as my dogs. I miss them more than I can say.

I don't want the responsibility of dogs right now, but I'd take Huxley and Blitzie back in a second. It's not about having just any dog, it's Huxley and Blitz that I miss. I love my older girls. I wish we would get updates on the dogs but there hasn't been anything on any of them since last winter when we got the picture of Huxley and Blitz treeing a squirrel.


Just seeing this picture makes me want to cry. I love them so much. They are great dogs. I wish I would have been able to keep them. But I know that the timing wasn't right. They were a problem for me. It was hard for me to keep up with them even though they were 8 years old. You can see in the picture that they are like puppies still.

I always tell myself that I'd give anything to see them just one more time but I know that if I did see them I'd want to take them home with me. I couldn't walk away from them again. So, I guess I'm still grieving the loss of my girls. I feel like I will always grieve their loss. Maybe time will take care of that. But until that time, I know that Huxley and Blitz will always be on my mind.

I know it's silly but having the stuffed dogs that look like Hux and Blitzie is a comfort to me. I feel like somehow that a part of them is still here with me. They help with the sadness I feel over giving them up and they don't take up near as much space on the bed. ;) But I would gladly give up my space to have my girls back.

It's been 8 months now that they have been gone. It seems like they just left yesterday. There are some good things about not having dogs but they don't outweigh the goodness of having them. I try to remind myself that they love their new owners and are happy in their lives up in Woodland Park. I try to tell myself they are better off being there but it's honestly not something I believe. They had a good life with me and I certainly love them. It could have worked out if I had just held on for a while. Quitting my part time job would have made all the difference.

Anyway, I miss them terribly and long to see them again one day. I know it won't happen in this lifetime but I can hope that they will be in Heaven when it's my time to go there because that's what Heaven is to me - my dogs.

Still crying

It's been a while but I just wanted to let you know that I still miss my dogs and my cats, especially Huxley and Blitz. I still cry every once in while because I miss them so much. I know that they have a wonderful life with their new owners up in Woodland Park. Living on five acres has to be the best for them. I'm sure that chasing squirrels is a daily activity for them. I wonder if they've seen any deer or wild turkeys? Hmmm. I sure do miss them.

The new and improved Huxley and Blitz ;)

and the bestest Huxley and Blitz

Holly

This weekend we watched the AKC/Eukanuba Dog Show. You can read an article on the winner, Holly, here. There is also a page on the AKC site about The Pointer. The Pointer is also known as the English Pointer. There are also German Shorthaired Pointer (like we've had) and the German Wirehaired Pointer. I'm doing some research to see if there are any other Pointer breeds.

For anyone looking for a GSP, remember to check the Rocky Mountain GSP Rescue website for dogs available for adoption. If you are looking for a particular breed of dog, search for local rescues that adopt out that breed.

Today I was disheartened thinking about how many puppies and dogs there are in this world. People just don't get that there are too many of them already out there. There should be a fine for people who breed without regard for how many dogs are out there. I think breeders should be limited too. *steps off soapbox*

Regret

I had some second thoughts over the weekend about giving up all the animals. I don't know why I'm more effected on the weekends. I think I miss the distraction of the cats and dogs. I was always paying attention to them and didn't have to think about anything that was going on with me. They kept me busy. And I think it finally sunk in that they are no longer mine. They belong to other people now. They are not my babies any more. I guess I needed to deal with that head on. I'm also trying to deal with my feelings about checking into dogs (even though I don't want one). I know I'm playing with fire. If the right dog comes along, I could be taken in. No need to tempt myself with looking. I have to let it go. I still haven't changed my screen saver. I need to do that. Seeing Skooter and Moped and Minnie and Paulie and Huxley and Blitz is not helping me get over them. It's just making matters worse. This really is a time in my life that I need to focus on me and the things I'm dealing with every day. Like I said, the animals were a great distraction. Now I have all the time that I need to delve into who I want to be and what I want to do. It seems scary but it also feels right.

It's the weekend again and I'm missing my pets. I feel bad that I didn't follow up on the cats. I just don't want to know if they were put to sleep. I pray that they were able to get homes. I still have all of them on my screen saver. I need to change that. I'm glad that I re-homed them all but I miss them nonetheless. I got rid of the box of Meaty Bones that has sat in the cupboard. I need to get all the pet stuff put on craigslist and get it out of the house. I'm definitely procrastinating on doing that.

David was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes this past week so giving up the pets is a good thing. He can't take a chance on getting scratched because of the diabetes and the cellulitis too. It'll probably keep up from getting a pet in the future but that's okay. I'm happy without pets even though I miss the ones I had.

Lynn sent me a beautiful story about an old man and a GSP. It made me tear up. GSP's are the best!

Passion

Last night I went out to the USCS Talent Show. It was awesome! The kids are very talented. Anyway, I realized that I didn't have to rush home to let the dogs out. It kind of made me sad to think that they are no longer my girls. And when I turned the corner into the community I looked over at the back door like I always would do when Huxley and Blitz were here. But it's when I pull into the garage that I have the biggest pang of missing them. I was so used to going into the house and saying hello and having happy pets there to greet me. I even missed the cats last night. Yesterday I kept thinkin that I heard Paulie. Once in a while I would check the living room window where Paulie and Minnie would sit to sun bathe. I haven't called the HS because I don't want to know what happened to them. They may still be there for all I know. David and I are still looking at dogs on craigslist. He finds them and then shares them with me. Some of them have been good looking dogs but I don't want to make any decisions for at least a year on pets. I think by then I'll be settled without them.

Lisa made a great suggestion last night - I should journal all the reasons that it was difficult having the pets so I don't 'forget' and get other pets. There were lots of things that just didn't work for me. Some examples are: always having to get up to let the dogs in and out, not sleeping through the night because Huxley and Blitz are hogging the bed, having to clean up the backyard and the kitty litter box, the carpet getting ruined, cat and dog hair all over everything, David's allergies to the pets, the chance of him getting cellulitis from being scratched and not being able to go away for very long because the dogs needed company. Oh, and lets not forget about the dogs getting into the trash and chewing on things. Again, they weren't bad dogs, they were just bored dogs. And that was our fault. Scooter and Moped were really bored because they were puppies. They need a ton more activity than we were providing for them. Oh well, what's done is done. It really is okay that they are all gone. I'm sad but I'm also glad. I'm not just the doggy door keeper anymore.

I'm still having trouble putting things into my day. I have so much time now that I don't have pets. And freedom. I have lots of freedom. I'm still trying to figure out what I have a passion for besides pets, that is. ;) I'm finding myself a little bit more each day. It's not an easy process. I didn't just go from owning cats and dogs to being, what? Who am I supposed to be now that I'm not the doggy door keeper?

Well, it's almost 7am so I'm going to go back to bed for a while.

Minnie and Paulie are gone

I brought them to the Humane Society on Friday. It's taken me a couple of days to post about it because it bothered me more than I thought it would. I thought it would be hard to get them into the travel kennel but they went in without much difficulty. The ride to the HS seemed very long. It is across town, but it seemed longer because it was such a sad drive. They meowed most of the way. The don't like being in the kennel and they sure don't like being in the car. They settled down when we got to the HS. I was really sad answering all the questions. The lady who checked us in told me that Minnie and Paulie would have a good chance of getting a home because they are fixed and are declawed (fronts only). That gave me some hope. I cried when I left. I had them keep the kennel because I couldn't leave with it empty. It would have been too hard. And it was a long ride home too. But I was able to do what needed to be done. David is allergic to cats and dogs so having them is not a good idea. I miss all of them though. I think about Huxley and Blitz often and I obviously still think about Minnie and Paulie. I keep thinking that I hear them or feel them on my legs. It makes me sad to know that they are not there.

But, on the positive side, all the doors are open in the house. I don't have to shut off all the rooms from the cats. It seems so much brighter in here. And it's definitely more open. I was able to vacuum without dodging all the animals. It was a lot quicker. The carpet still looks like crap but that will change when we can afford the new carpet.

I do feel kind of lonely because David is out golfing with the guys and there aren't any animals to keep me company. There is just so much more time in my day (sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad) and such freedom in not having pets. I don't feel tied to my chair because the cats are on me or because I have to let the dogs in and out. There's definitely a down side though. The sadness in moments is overwhelming. Thankfully it's only for moments.

I keep picturing Minnie and Paulie in cages. I know they are not capable of hating me, but I guess I'm feeling guilty for having them for so long, almost 8 years, and now giving them up. It was $30 to surrender them. It wasn't an easy decision. I almost turned around and went home a whole bunch of times. But I knew that it would be a positive, albeit sad, event.

I feel like crying right now. It's just the sadness coming over me like a wave. I'm glad it's just a small wave. The sadness with the dogs was at points overwhelming and I felt like I was falling apart. But I just tell myself that the dogs are in a great home and I look at the picture of them playing with the squirrels and I know I've done the right thing.

I still check the Rescue web site. Habit I guess. There was an older pair of GSP's (Mack and Sable) and they were the same colors as Huxley and Blitz. That was hard. But I'm just going to be glad that Kris is doing the job that she is doing and getting these beautiful animals new homes.

Yesterday we went for a ride over to the Garden of the Gods. It was almost 70 degrees out. I couldn't believe how many people I saw with their dogs. I mean, there were just tons of them on the way there, in the park and on the way home. When I see people with their dogs I think about all the effort it takes to have a dog. I also think about missing them being with me.

Anyway, Minnie and Paulie and Huxley and Blitz are gone now. I'm sans pets. First time in over 15 years that David and I haven't had a pet. It was Elvis P. Bunnyboy, our rabbit, that started it all off. Then came Tabby and all the rest of the crew. Now they are all gone or rehomed. I miss them all.

Off and on

We just got back from a drive up to Woodland Park. Ute pass was beautiful today. Interesting thing - everybody seemed to have a dog with them. Okay, not everyone, but next to everyone. It ran through my mind that we could see the girls possibly, just walking in their neighborhood but that's not going to happen. David said he's missing them today too for some reason. I've been fine without them until today. I don't know why I'm thinking about them so much today, but I'm going to allow myself to feel the way I do and just ride it like a wave. It's okay to miss them. I had them for a year and a half. It's no wonder that I miss them. David also said today that he realized that we could have kept Skooter and Moped if he had put the time in with them to train them. I feel the same way. I did put in time training them, but not enough and not consistently.

Oh well. I'm bound to have feelings like this off and on for a while. I'm okay with that.

Still adjusting to them all being gone

Well, today I talked to David about definitely giving up the cats. I couldn't find a no-kill shelter to take them to, so I'll be taking them to the Humane Society. It's the same situation with the cats as with the dogs - I love them but I just don't want to care for them. They continually ruin the carpet by throwing up on it and they get hair everywhere. I know I will miss them and it will be weird to not have any pets, but I think that's the way it needs to be right now.

David is still looking at dogs on craigslist and I'm still checking the GSP site every day. I'm not checking it because I want a dog, I'm checking it because it makes me happy to see that a dog has been adopted. I have thought that if I ever get a dog again (and it won't be soon) it will have to be a GSP. I just love the breed and love the way they look, feel and behave. But I'm not in any position to even be thinking about a dog.

Paulie just kicked Minnie off my legs so he could sit there. Poor Minnie. I'd like to find the time tomorrow to take them to the HS. I need to just get it done.

I'm still missing Huxley and Blitz. When I start missing them I just look at the picture of them treeing the squirrell and I realize that they are where they belong. It's kind of ironic that they are up in Woodland Park where I'd like to live. I can't even imagine how happy they must be with so much land to run on and so many beasties to chase. I'm sure they are so incredibly happy being there and are loved tremendously. They are awesome dogs and deserve the best home. Their new owners said they sleep through the night now. That's probably because they are out all day playing. I do miss napping with them. And I still can't have a bowl of Cheerios without thinking about sharing with Huxley. Pretty much anything I eat I used to share with them. I think it will take time to get past that.

I don't miss Skooter and Moped like I used to miss them. I still think of them a lot but they are so far out of my daily life that I'm not sad about them. I do wonder what it would be like to still own Skooter. He is such a good dog. Moped was just too crazy. I'd have to really learn how to raise a calm dog before I could even think about owning one again. They didn't have a great life here though. They were either crated or tied up (because they were so out of control) and that wasn't any fun for them.

Anyway, I'll always get sucked in by GSP puppies and dogs. I just can't resist the face. But I can resist owning one.

I checked the GSP site and more dogs have been adopted. There's always more coming in though. I wish people would spay and neuter their dogs so the population would decrease. There are so many 'homeless' GSP's that Kris has to take in. It's sad. I've continued our donation to the Rescue because I really believe in the work that Kris is doing. I wish it could be more. One day I'm hoping it will be more.

Just missing my boys and girls today. I do okay most of the time but once in a while, the feeling just hits me and I miss them. I hope that we get updates on them in the future (but I won't expect that to happen). I was looking at pictures of Skooter when he visited his mom, Harvest and his sister from another litter. They are/were such beautiful, even tempered dogs. And I was looking at the 'family photos' that Kathy put together on Moped. There's a picture of the first time David held him when he was just weeks old. Ah, the good old days when we were too dense to know that dogs just didn't fit into our lives. lol

I feel better now that I've been able to think about them. Back to the real world again.

A lovely day

Just thinking

I'm thinking about dogs tonight. Or should I say I'm thinking of all the errors I've made as a dog owner. There are so many things I would do different now that I know what I know. And what is it that I know? I didn't train my dogs early enough or often enough. I did try some with Skooter and Moped but I started too late and wasn't consistent enough with them. Huxley and Blitz are doing great with their new owners because they know how to train a GSP. I don't. Before I can ever consider a dog again, I need to learn how to 'grow' a great dog. I was thinking that getting the dog trained as a hunting dog and as a service dog would help. That was the biggest problem I had when I owned the dogs: I didn't have control over them. The dogs ran the show. It can't be like that. And I would never, ever have a GSP unless I had at least a few acres of property fenced in so they could run around a lot. And I'd have to be committed to walking them EVERY day. And I'm not anywhere near ready to do any of those things so a dog just isn't in my future. But, when one is, I think it will have to be a GSP. I just adore the breed. I really couldn't imagine having any other breed of dog. I look at other dogs and puppies and they are cute, but they just don't compare to the GSP.

I know I'm not ready to own a dog. I don't know that I ever will be ready. I know I'm not a good dog owner. But it doesn't keep me from loving the dogs I've had. I'll always see them as my boys and girls. I'll always miss them. But I know that I just can't handle a dog at this point in my life. And that makes me sad.

I have been doing some research on therapy dogs. There are what they call Emotional Support Dogs for people like me who deal with depression (amongst other things). They are not Service Dogs. They don't get to go into public places like service dogs do. But they are trained to help people how have emotional issues. Maybe a dog like that, one that is already trained would be a good dog for me one day. It would still have to be a GSP though. I'd have to get it as a puppy and put it through ES training.

I know. I know. I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I still check the Rescue website daily to see if any dogs have been placed. I'm always happy when a GSP gets adopted. And I just like looking at their sweet faces. I wish I could do more for the Rescue (beyond or in addition to our monthly donation). It's such a worthy cause.

It's funny but once you have a GSP, there just is no other dog for you. Which isn't great for someone like me who takes them in and then lets them go. One of my friends said that I have a mental illness about dogs. She was serious. I don't know. Maybe I do have a screw loose when it comes to GSP's. But gosh, they are just the most wonderful dogs in the world. So smart (when trained) and such great companions (again, when they are trained).

Guess I'm feeling nostalgic and meloncholy tonight. Minnie has been sitting on me for hours. Whenever I sit, she's on me. And Paulie, when he's not on me, is on David. I want to let them go next week. I just can't handle them any more. If I bring them to the Humane Society they may be euthanized, but I feel like it's them or me. Their lives or mine. I want my life back sans cats, dogs or any other pet. No fish, hamsters, gerbils or squid. Nada.

Still, GSP's rock! And they always will.

01/01/2009 Update on Huxley and Blitz

Another update from Kris:

Happy New Year, Samantha!

Another update on Huxley and Blitz.

Enjoy!

>>>I"m happy to report that the adoption is still going smoothly. They have established a routine: wake us up at 7:00AM, go out, eat, and then we take our walk. The rest of the day is spent harrassing squirrels as you can see in the attached picture. The picture also shows the fence at the back of our property. To date, there has been no attempt by them to jump or climb over it. The picture also shows how our property slopes down to the fence so they get good exercise running to and from the fence.<<<<
--
Kris

It makes me so happy to see that they are content and having fun. They are living exactly where I would want them to live. They look happy. And it sounds like they are getting the routine down too. No word on Blitz whining so I think it was a phenomenon caused by me somehow. I'm sure that Blitz is so tired by the time she gets in that she doesn't have any reason to whine. She's not bored anymore.

I'll always miss them and I hope that we can get future updates on them.

Blitz rocks!

I almost forgot to post this picture. Blitzie climbed up on my footstool and tried to get into my lap. It's a gliding footstool so she was rocking back and forth. It was very funny. Huxley wanted to get in on it too. My 60 pound lap dogs. LOL

Bits and pieces

I checked the Rescue website and there are 3 more dogs that have been adopted. That's so cool. I wish they all could get homes for Christmas.

I think I've finally resolved in my mind that the reason that I kept the dogs so long is because I felt needed by the dogs. Being home all day by myself had me feeling empty but after a lot of thought I can see that I have a great life and that I don't need dogs that don't fit into my life to make me feel needed.

I did a quiz on Facebook, "What king of dog are you?". I am a Maltese. I looked them up online and they are so cute. They are a toy breed, a small dog. That's what I should have had all along - a small dog. I don't want a dog now but maybe one day I could consider it. I'd like a dog that I could walk instead of one that walks me. LOL And it would be nice to have a trained dog, one that would sleep in it's own bed instead of hogging mine. But that's way off in the future. It's not something I would do now.

The cats are really enjoying the dogs being gone. They are usually on me or in bed (sound familiar?). I figured out a way to decorate the house for Christmas so that the cats can't get to the decorations. It looks very Christmas-y in here now. Paulie did try to get the paper chains I made but I have them up high enough that all he can do is look at them. I was digging through the decorations and found a tree that Zach had made for us years ago. It was nice to see that I've kept it all these years. His mom isn't doing very well. She's grieving in a big way. I guess I would too if I were in her shoes. It's so sad. I sent them a sympathy basket that has a teddy bear in it with a ribbon that says "Thinking of You". I hope they can enjoy it.

It's nice to know that all the dogs have good homes and that I don't have to worry about them. I miss their company, but I love the freedom I have now. All of my focus was on them and I just didn't get to anything else. Now I have lots of time to focus on me and David and actually living my life.

I have to prepare myself mentally for re-homing the cats. They have taken over the house and I want my house back. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to have my home the way I want it and to have a pet too. But until then, I really don't want any pets. Minnie and Paulie are very affectionate so I think they would do okay with being re-homed. I just have to get up the nerve to give them up.

I'm sitting here eating Christmas candies and there is no one begging for some. It's kind of nice. I know it was my fault that the dogs didn't behave. I didn't require them to. I taught them a lot of bad habits (sleeping on the bed, sharing food, etc.). And they certainly weren't going to learn how to walk on a leash if I never took them out. Their new owner is taking them for walks separately. That's a good thing. I bet they love it.

I'll update again when I decide I have the energy to re-home the cats.

Lost without them

I wish I could say that life is so much better without the dogs, but I'd be fibbing if I did. Some things are better, but I sure do miss their company. David and I have been talking about all of the dogs (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz) and how much we miss them. I don't think we ever got over giving up Skooter and Moped. I'm sure they are great dogs now but I just couldn't handle them and didn't have the appropriate home or yard for them. I'm glad they all are where they should be. I know they all have ended up in wonderful homes and they deserve that. Kris did an amazing job placing them. I am so in awe of the work that she does. I wish I could do work like that. I wish I could give dogs a home. But I'm not set up for that. It takes a very special person to run a Rescue and I am grateful that Kris has been there for so many dogs. I've been looking at the updated site http://rockymtngsp.org and there are already quite a few dogs listed and I know there are more that need homes. David and I tell everyone we can about the Rescue and what good work is being done there.

Anyway, just missing my dogs. The cats are probably here for a while since there are no "no-kill" shelters taking any cats in right now. And the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region just got there budget slashed by about 80% so they aren't going to be hanging on to animals either (especially eight year old cats). Paulie is almost always in someone's lap. Minnie is always on me, near me, with me. I'm sure that like with the dogs, when the time is right, we will get homes for the cats. Until then I need to make do with what I have and make as many changes in the house as I can, short of replacing the carpet. That will have to wait until the cats go adios.

So, yeah, just thinking about my dogs and wondering what they all are up to tonight. A winter storm is moving in tonight or tomorrow. I sonder if Skooter and Moped still play in the snow. I know that Huxley and Blitz didn't play in the snow here but maybe they'll take advantage of their five acres and play a little bit. I want the best for all of them.

Tonight I was watching a show and there were Beagle puppies in one scene. They were so cute. I guess that's what got me thinking of the dogs. I don't see myself with a dog ever again. I'm just not a good dog owner. I love them but I don't give them the discipline and leadership that dogs really need. That makes me sad.

Monday night is Bonnie's memorial service. I'll be going with friends from group. Susan and Marianne will be there too. I guess it will be another opportunity to feel the grief of all the losses I've had in the last 3 weeks. I know I'll think about my dogs and I'll feel a bit guilty for doing that but they were in my life every minute of the day. I am still kind of lost without them.

Progress Report - Huxley and Blitz

I received a wonderful email from the Rescue today:

Hi Samantha!

Here is the latest update from Blitz and Huxley's new owners. I think
they are there to stay.

Enjoy!


>>This has been a fabulous week!! As I told you when you called, they both had an uneventful ride to our house. As I mentioned to you, the first night was somewhat hectic. Blitz got us up at midnight, 3:00AM, and 5:30AM to go out.
That is no longer a problem. They both get up and stretch during the
night, but they don't demand to go out.
Around 7:00AM, Blitz puts her front legs over my body to let me know
it's time to get up, and they both race to the back porch door to go
out. I tried walking them both at the same time, but they were able
to pull pretty hard so I had to walk them individually this week. I
found that by using a choke collar, a light jerk stopped the pulling
so as soon as I get another choke collar, I'll give another try at
walking them together. Another area of concern was how they would
react to the fenced yard. No problem. I watched them every time they
went out, and they made no attempt to either jump or climb over the
fence.

My wife and I are extremely happy about the way they have adapted to
our care. They are a very affectionate couple, and having seen them
at play and rest this week, I have to agree with you that separating
them for adoption would have been tragic. I can tell you now that you
will not be getting them back from us.

Snowy night

The snow makes me thing about the dogs. Skooter and Moped loved to play in the snow. Huxley and Blitz didn't like it as much but they would tolerate it to go out and do their business. I miss seeing paw prints in the snow on the deck. I realized today that I still haven't cleaned the glass on the back door. Huxley and Blitz left many nose prints on the door. I guess it's snowing pretty good up in Woodland Park so I'm sure the girls are tucked away inside by the wood burning stove that I imagine is there. After dinner tonight I thought about how much food I share with those two. I can't seem to eat all of anything because I'm used to sharing with Huxley and Blitz. But those two are happy no matter where they are so I'm not going to worry about them.

Missing them all

Friday I slept all day because I have a cold. It was weird not having the dogs get me up. I was in bed a lot and it made me miss them more. They would always be in bed with me. David had hockey Friday night and I was home 'alone'. I did better this weekend than I did last weekend. I guess I needed that good cry last week.

Yesterday was Zach's memorial service. We left the house at 7:45 am and didn't get home until around 4pm. I kept worrying about getting home to the dogs. No matter how many times I told myself that they weren't home, I just kept thinking about them. I would try to remind myself that they are in their new home and probably loving every minute of it. I mean, come on, anyone that buys them matching dog pillows has to be just awesome.

For some reason today, Sunday, was harder than the rest of the weekend as far as missing the girls. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was in bed again a lot today because of this cold. The cats do keep me company though. But they will have to go soon too. David's allergies to them are just too much for him. And the cats are always on our laps which isn't good for David. So tomorrow I need to call the no kill shelters and see if anyone will take them in. If not, I'll have to consider the Humane Society. That will definitely be my last option though. I don't want anything to happen to them.

Minnie is on me right now and Paulie is on David. They are spoiled. Earlier today one of them was up on top of the fridge. I have trouble keeping them off the counters. I've been using the spray bottle on them but they don't remember that I sprayed them 20 seconds later. Oh well.

I had to talk to David tonight about not wanting a dog at all. It wasn't that I didn't want Huxley and Blitz. I love them. I just shouldn't have a dog at all. I'm not good at discipline and dogs need that. Anyway, all four of them are on my mind (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz). I miss them all.

Huxley shaking (funny audio in a video)

This video is almost impossible to see but if you listen closely you can hear Huxley shaking. It's funny.

Spoiled

David and I were just talking about Moped. We wonder what he looks like now as a grown dog? I bet he's so handsome. If their owners send pictures to the Rescue we might be able to see them. I know Hux and Blitz have been gone less than a week, but I'd like to see pictures of them in their new life too. I'm sure he and Skooter are so well behaved and are a great addition to these families. We have seen pictures of Skooter in his new life and he looks so happy. We wish the same for all of our other dogs too.

It's funny but today I sprayed some non-stick stuff on a pan and realized I was waiting for Huxley and Blitz to come running. For some reason they always ran out to the kitchen when I used the non-stick spray. Crazy, the things that make me think of them. I do miss petting them. They were a source of comfort at times but mostly they were difficult for me to handle. I'm sure their new owners, being GSP owners for over 26 years, will know exactly how to discipline them. But it's also nice to know that they already have matching pillows. They will still be spoiled. And that's good.

In front of the woodburning stove

I can just picture Huxley and Blitz on the floor next to a wood burning stove warming their achy bones. I guess I just need to picture them in a warm, loving setting. I can't believe they got a home in less than a week. And together. I'm just in awe. God sure was looking out over this situation. It's nice to have something good happen after the tragedy of the last week and a half. I hope that we get pictures one day so I can see how happy they are. I did ask Kris that if she gets pictures of Skooter and Moped, I'd like to see those too. I may have given them up, but I've never stopped loving any of them. I wish I could have kept them all. But that's not where my life has me right now. That makes me sad, but I'm doing my best to keep things in perspective. I never think of them as just dogs. They are my furry kids. I guess I feel like a parent would feel adopting out a child (okay, maybe that's overly dramatic, but it's my Dog Blog lol). Whatever the case, I miss them. So, I'll just picture them happy and content living up in Woodland Park with their new owners. That makes me happy.

Huxley and Blitz have been placed!!!

Email from Kris this morning:

Huxley and Blitz left for their new forever home this morning. An
elderly gentleman and his wife (who have owned GSPs for some 26+
years) adopted the girls. They live in Woodland Park and have five
acres fenced. It is a rather sloping properly with lots of pine trees.
The girls will have full run of the house and brand new matching dog
pillows. They looked very happy leaving today and happily jumped into
the back of their SUV. The gentleman walks briskly each and every
morning for a couple of miles. Now that he has the two of them, he was
going to stop and pick up one of the two-dog lead couplers.

As I get pictures in, I will forward them to you, as well.

They are in good hands!

If all of the stuff that's happened over the last 2 weeks hadn't happened, then Huxley and Blitz wouldn't have found their forever home (which sounds perfect for them). Everything does happen for a reason.

Life won out

It's so quiet in the house now. I'm so used to hearing the clinking of their dog tags, Blitzie whining and Huxley flopping her ears back and forth when she 'shakes it out'. But I did get to sleep as long as I wanted to, not as long as Blitzie wanted me to. I still have a cold so it's been nice to get some much needed sleep.

It's an overcast day and there is no sun streaming in the window for the cats to warm up in. Of course, if the dogs were here they would be claiming the sunshine as their own anyway. But they are not here. They are down at the Rescue living a different kind of life now. I wonder if Blitzie still whines or if she just did that with me? I do know that they are both just as affectionate with Kris and her family as they were with us. They adapt to change very well for older dogs.

I can't help but feel that I've somehow abandoned them.

There are finally plans for Zach. There will be a get together on Saturday, December 6th in Arvada to celebrate his life. I wasn't close to Zach, so I think I will feel like an outsider but it's the right thing to go, to support David. And I won't have to make any arrangements for the dogs or worry about them being home for too long. That takes a big burden off of my shoulders. And at this crazy time anything that can bring relief is greatly appreciated.

I've been thinking a lot about Tabby this morning. I miss my old girl.

So, another day of not being a dog owner. I guess I'll adjust to that eventually and even end up liking it but for today I still miss them in my life. Things just got so crazy so quickly. Life showed up on my doorstep and demanded to be let in. Unfortunately there was not enough room for life and two bigs dogs in this one small house. Something had to give. Life won out.