Figuring some things out

It's almost 3am and I'm up for no good reason. I do my most honest thinking this time of day so I thought I'd blog about getting a dog. Am I really ready for another dog? I feel like I am. I feel like I always have been ready for another dog. Can I take care of a dog the way it needs to be taken care of? Yes, I think I can. What's different for me now is that I am more active than I was just months ago. I can offer a dog a nice walk each morning to start his/her day. I feel that I can keep up with grooming and with cleaning the yard. I won't feel held back by a dog because I want a dog in my life. I'm home most of the time anyway so giving a dog attention and training will work into my schedule now. Not working a part time job will make a huge difference. Any dog that I get shouldn't be bored if I'm walking him/her daily and spending lots of time on training (basic commands and more). And of course there's also time for cuddling too.

I realize that this is a major step for me mentally and emotionally. There is always this mysterious "they" that I consider when making decisions. "They will think that I shouldn't have a dog." "They will think I'm stupid for getting a dog." Negative thoughts like that. There is no "they", it's just all in my head. But somehow I feel like someone is supposed to give me permission to get a dog. When I think it through I can see that 'they' is really the remnants of my mom. I wouldn't have been able to make this kind of decision without going through her for an okay (even as an adult) so I go through 'her' in my head. I'm an adult now and have my own life. She has been gone for 9 years now. It's time for me to let go of her and stand on my own. Well, not really on my own since I want a dog beside me. ;)

Getting a dog is a big commitment. It always has been. So why did I rehome my four dogs? Well, it was my 'mom' again. When I was growing up my mom would give away my pets to other, more deserving people. One time I was out bowling and when I came home she had given my dog away. I was just a kid and didn't really understand what had happened. I didn't know to think that it was wrong of her to do that. I took in the lie that my pets would always be better off with someone else. I know now that's not true but I didn't know that last November when I rehomed Huxley and Blitz. I thought that because I had issues with them that I should give them away. But I equate it to a person with a baby or child who keeps them up at night or gives them a hard time - you don't give your kid away because they aren't behaving properly all the time. And these dogs were my kids. But it was so easy for me to feel like I didn't deserve my dogs and that giving them away was the natural thing to do. I was just continuing on my mother's work.

I'm not saying that having a dog is going to be easy or without complaint but what I am saying is that I'm not going to do what my mother did to me anymore. I still feel like all four dogs are my dogs. I wasn't ready to let any of them go. I just did to myself what my mom would have done to me in this situation. That stops now.

No one is talking me into getting a dog. It's my decision wholeheartedly. I don't need to make it anyone else's decision anymore. If I told myself that they were David's dogs then I wouldn't have given them up but they were my dogs and giving them up was just part of what happens with me. No, I'm deciding this time. I'm saying that I want to get a dog for me and be proud that it is my dog and that I made the decision. I'm not going to live in fear anymore. I won't have to be afraid that my dog will have to go to someone who deserves it more than me. No one will deserve my dog more than I do.

I'm learning a lot through this dog situation. Even if I ended up not getting a dog, I've made progress in an area where previously I was lacking fortitude. I'm not going to be mean to myself anymore. I won't be thoughtless when it comes to my needs and wants. If I find the right dog, I'll be bringing him home and loving him forever. If something drastic happened and I did have to rehome the dog, then it would be my decision to do that, not my mom's. But I don't see any reason for that to happen now that I know what I have been doing (getting dogs and giving them away to more deserving people). Knowing the truth willl make a difference.

I'm excited about getting a dog now. I don't have to feel like I need permission to get a dog and I don't have to fear giving him/her away to more deserving people. I can own up to making the decision to get the dog and most importantly for keeping the dog. I'm not going to feel like I'm not good enough or not deserving enough to have a dog. I'm not going to let my mom run my life.

So the plan is to go to the Adoption Fairs on Saturday. There will be a few around town this weekend. I don't feel like I have to come home with a dog. I can wait until I KNOW it's the dog for me. I might check the Humane Society again on Friday too. I'm sure there will be other dogs available that weren't available yesterday and new dogs that have come in to the shelter. I want to give a dog a home that really needs and deserves one. I don't need to place an order with a breeder this time to justify getting a dog.

I know it's going to involve a lot of work and a change in our environment to have a dog. I'm up to the challenge. There may be days when I'm not completely up to the challenge but I know from having Huxley and Blitz that even on difficult days, I can take care of my dogs. I feel so much lighter and less sad knowing that a dog may be in my future. I'm a dog person and I am going to have a dog. My depression will be helped by having a dog to pat and love. I can be kind to myself and give myself this gift.

I wish Saturday was here already so I could go and look at dogs but I realize part of this process is patience. I need to wait for the right dog at the right time. I'm in no rush. I've been praying that God would lead me to the right dog and keep a dog out of my life that won't work in the long run. I don't know if that will help or not, but I figure it never hurts to pray.