Blitz rocks!

I almost forgot to post this picture. Blitzie climbed up on my footstool and tried to get into my lap. It's a gliding footstool so she was rocking back and forth. It was very funny. Huxley wanted to get in on it too. My 60 pound lap dogs. LOL

Bits and pieces

I checked the Rescue website and there are 3 more dogs that have been adopted. That's so cool. I wish they all could get homes for Christmas.

I think I've finally resolved in my mind that the reason that I kept the dogs so long is because I felt needed by the dogs. Being home all day by myself had me feeling empty but after a lot of thought I can see that I have a great life and that I don't need dogs that don't fit into my life to make me feel needed.

I did a quiz on Facebook, "What king of dog are you?". I am a Maltese. I looked them up online and they are so cute. They are a toy breed, a small dog. That's what I should have had all along - a small dog. I don't want a dog now but maybe one day I could consider it. I'd like a dog that I could walk instead of one that walks me. LOL And it would be nice to have a trained dog, one that would sleep in it's own bed instead of hogging mine. But that's way off in the future. It's not something I would do now.

The cats are really enjoying the dogs being gone. They are usually on me or in bed (sound familiar?). I figured out a way to decorate the house for Christmas so that the cats can't get to the decorations. It looks very Christmas-y in here now. Paulie did try to get the paper chains I made but I have them up high enough that all he can do is look at them. I was digging through the decorations and found a tree that Zach had made for us years ago. It was nice to see that I've kept it all these years. His mom isn't doing very well. She's grieving in a big way. I guess I would too if I were in her shoes. It's so sad. I sent them a sympathy basket that has a teddy bear in it with a ribbon that says "Thinking of You". I hope they can enjoy it.

It's nice to know that all the dogs have good homes and that I don't have to worry about them. I miss their company, but I love the freedom I have now. All of my focus was on them and I just didn't get to anything else. Now I have lots of time to focus on me and David and actually living my life.

I have to prepare myself mentally for re-homing the cats. They have taken over the house and I want my house back. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to have my home the way I want it and to have a pet too. But until then, I really don't want any pets. Minnie and Paulie are very affectionate so I think they would do okay with being re-homed. I just have to get up the nerve to give them up.

I'm sitting here eating Christmas candies and there is no one begging for some. It's kind of nice. I know it was my fault that the dogs didn't behave. I didn't require them to. I taught them a lot of bad habits (sleeping on the bed, sharing food, etc.). And they certainly weren't going to learn how to walk on a leash if I never took them out. Their new owner is taking them for walks separately. That's a good thing. I bet they love it.

I'll update again when I decide I have the energy to re-home the cats.

Lost without them

I wish I could say that life is so much better without the dogs, but I'd be fibbing if I did. Some things are better, but I sure do miss their company. David and I have been talking about all of the dogs (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz) and how much we miss them. I don't think we ever got over giving up Skooter and Moped. I'm sure they are great dogs now but I just couldn't handle them and didn't have the appropriate home or yard for them. I'm glad they all are where they should be. I know they all have ended up in wonderful homes and they deserve that. Kris did an amazing job placing them. I am so in awe of the work that she does. I wish I could do work like that. I wish I could give dogs a home. But I'm not set up for that. It takes a very special person to run a Rescue and I am grateful that Kris has been there for so many dogs. I've been looking at the updated site http://rockymtngsp.org and there are already quite a few dogs listed and I know there are more that need homes. David and I tell everyone we can about the Rescue and what good work is being done there.

Anyway, just missing my dogs. The cats are probably here for a while since there are no "no-kill" shelters taking any cats in right now. And the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region just got there budget slashed by about 80% so they aren't going to be hanging on to animals either (especially eight year old cats). Paulie is almost always in someone's lap. Minnie is always on me, near me, with me. I'm sure that like with the dogs, when the time is right, we will get homes for the cats. Until then I need to make do with what I have and make as many changes in the house as I can, short of replacing the carpet. That will have to wait until the cats go adios.

So, yeah, just thinking about my dogs and wondering what they all are up to tonight. A winter storm is moving in tonight or tomorrow. I sonder if Skooter and Moped still play in the snow. I know that Huxley and Blitz didn't play in the snow here but maybe they'll take advantage of their five acres and play a little bit. I want the best for all of them.

Tonight I was watching a show and there were Beagle puppies in one scene. They were so cute. I guess that's what got me thinking of the dogs. I don't see myself with a dog ever again. I'm just not a good dog owner. I love them but I don't give them the discipline and leadership that dogs really need. That makes me sad.

Monday night is Bonnie's memorial service. I'll be going with friends from group. Susan and Marianne will be there too. I guess it will be another opportunity to feel the grief of all the losses I've had in the last 3 weeks. I know I'll think about my dogs and I'll feel a bit guilty for doing that but they were in my life every minute of the day. I am still kind of lost without them.

Progress Report - Huxley and Blitz

I received a wonderful email from the Rescue today:

Hi Samantha!

Here is the latest update from Blitz and Huxley's new owners. I think
they are there to stay.

Enjoy!


>>This has been a fabulous week!! As I told you when you called, they both had an uneventful ride to our house. As I mentioned to you, the first night was somewhat hectic. Blitz got us up at midnight, 3:00AM, and 5:30AM to go out.
That is no longer a problem. They both get up and stretch during the
night, but they don't demand to go out.
Around 7:00AM, Blitz puts her front legs over my body to let me know
it's time to get up, and they both race to the back porch door to go
out. I tried walking them both at the same time, but they were able
to pull pretty hard so I had to walk them individually this week. I
found that by using a choke collar, a light jerk stopped the pulling
so as soon as I get another choke collar, I'll give another try at
walking them together. Another area of concern was how they would
react to the fenced yard. No problem. I watched them every time they
went out, and they made no attempt to either jump or climb over the
fence.

My wife and I are extremely happy about the way they have adapted to
our care. They are a very affectionate couple, and having seen them
at play and rest this week, I have to agree with you that separating
them for adoption would have been tragic. I can tell you now that you
will not be getting them back from us.

Snowy night

The snow makes me thing about the dogs. Skooter and Moped loved to play in the snow. Huxley and Blitz didn't like it as much but they would tolerate it to go out and do their business. I miss seeing paw prints in the snow on the deck. I realized today that I still haven't cleaned the glass on the back door. Huxley and Blitz left many nose prints on the door. I guess it's snowing pretty good up in Woodland Park so I'm sure the girls are tucked away inside by the wood burning stove that I imagine is there. After dinner tonight I thought about how much food I share with those two. I can't seem to eat all of anything because I'm used to sharing with Huxley and Blitz. But those two are happy no matter where they are so I'm not going to worry about them.

Missing them all

Friday I slept all day because I have a cold. It was weird not having the dogs get me up. I was in bed a lot and it made me miss them more. They would always be in bed with me. David had hockey Friday night and I was home 'alone'. I did better this weekend than I did last weekend. I guess I needed that good cry last week.

Yesterday was Zach's memorial service. We left the house at 7:45 am and didn't get home until around 4pm. I kept worrying about getting home to the dogs. No matter how many times I told myself that they weren't home, I just kept thinking about them. I would try to remind myself that they are in their new home and probably loving every minute of it. I mean, come on, anyone that buys them matching dog pillows has to be just awesome.

For some reason today, Sunday, was harder than the rest of the weekend as far as missing the girls. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was in bed again a lot today because of this cold. The cats do keep me company though. But they will have to go soon too. David's allergies to them are just too much for him. And the cats are always on our laps which isn't good for David. So tomorrow I need to call the no kill shelters and see if anyone will take them in. If not, I'll have to consider the Humane Society. That will definitely be my last option though. I don't want anything to happen to them.

Minnie is on me right now and Paulie is on David. They are spoiled. Earlier today one of them was up on top of the fridge. I have trouble keeping them off the counters. I've been using the spray bottle on them but they don't remember that I sprayed them 20 seconds later. Oh well.

I had to talk to David tonight about not wanting a dog at all. It wasn't that I didn't want Huxley and Blitz. I love them. I just shouldn't have a dog at all. I'm not good at discipline and dogs need that. Anyway, all four of them are on my mind (Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz). I miss them all.

Huxley shaking (funny audio in a video)

This video is almost impossible to see but if you listen closely you can hear Huxley shaking. It's funny.

Spoiled

David and I were just talking about Moped. We wonder what he looks like now as a grown dog? I bet he's so handsome. If their owners send pictures to the Rescue we might be able to see them. I know Hux and Blitz have been gone less than a week, but I'd like to see pictures of them in their new life too. I'm sure he and Skooter are so well behaved and are a great addition to these families. We have seen pictures of Skooter in his new life and he looks so happy. We wish the same for all of our other dogs too.

It's funny but today I sprayed some non-stick stuff on a pan and realized I was waiting for Huxley and Blitz to come running. For some reason they always ran out to the kitchen when I used the non-stick spray. Crazy, the things that make me think of them. I do miss petting them. They were a source of comfort at times but mostly they were difficult for me to handle. I'm sure their new owners, being GSP owners for over 26 years, will know exactly how to discipline them. But it's also nice to know that they already have matching pillows. They will still be spoiled. And that's good.

In front of the woodburning stove

I can just picture Huxley and Blitz on the floor next to a wood burning stove warming their achy bones. I guess I just need to picture them in a warm, loving setting. I can't believe they got a home in less than a week. And together. I'm just in awe. God sure was looking out over this situation. It's nice to have something good happen after the tragedy of the last week and a half. I hope that we get pictures one day so I can see how happy they are. I did ask Kris that if she gets pictures of Skooter and Moped, I'd like to see those too. I may have given them up, but I've never stopped loving any of them. I wish I could have kept them all. But that's not where my life has me right now. That makes me sad, but I'm doing my best to keep things in perspective. I never think of them as just dogs. They are my furry kids. I guess I feel like a parent would feel adopting out a child (okay, maybe that's overly dramatic, but it's my Dog Blog lol). Whatever the case, I miss them. So, I'll just picture them happy and content living up in Woodland Park with their new owners. That makes me happy.

Huxley and Blitz have been placed!!!

Email from Kris this morning:

Huxley and Blitz left for their new forever home this morning. An
elderly gentleman and his wife (who have owned GSPs for some 26+
years) adopted the girls. They live in Woodland Park and have five
acres fenced. It is a rather sloping properly with lots of pine trees.
The girls will have full run of the house and brand new matching dog
pillows. They looked very happy leaving today and happily jumped into
the back of their SUV. The gentleman walks briskly each and every
morning for a couple of miles. Now that he has the two of them, he was
going to stop and pick up one of the two-dog lead couplers.

As I get pictures in, I will forward them to you, as well.

They are in good hands!

If all of the stuff that's happened over the last 2 weeks hadn't happened, then Huxley and Blitz wouldn't have found their forever home (which sounds perfect for them). Everything does happen for a reason.

Life won out

It's so quiet in the house now. I'm so used to hearing the clinking of their dog tags, Blitzie whining and Huxley flopping her ears back and forth when she 'shakes it out'. But I did get to sleep as long as I wanted to, not as long as Blitzie wanted me to. I still have a cold so it's been nice to get some much needed sleep.

It's an overcast day and there is no sun streaming in the window for the cats to warm up in. Of course, if the dogs were here they would be claiming the sunshine as their own anyway. But they are not here. They are down at the Rescue living a different kind of life now. I wonder if Blitzie still whines or if she just did that with me? I do know that they are both just as affectionate with Kris and her family as they were with us. They adapt to change very well for older dogs.

I can't help but feel that I've somehow abandoned them.

There are finally plans for Zach. There will be a get together on Saturday, December 6th in Arvada to celebrate his life. I wasn't close to Zach, so I think I will feel like an outsider but it's the right thing to go, to support David. And I won't have to make any arrangements for the dogs or worry about them being home for too long. That takes a big burden off of my shoulders. And at this crazy time anything that can bring relief is greatly appreciated.

I've been thinking a lot about Tabby this morning. I miss my old girl.

So, another day of not being a dog owner. I guess I'll adjust to that eventually and even end up liking it but for today I still miss them in my life. Things just got so crazy so quickly. Life showed up on my doorstep and demanded to be let in. Unfortunately there was not enough room for life and two bigs dogs in this one small house. Something had to give. Life won out.

Adjusting

I slept in late today because I'm getting a cold. It was nice to be able to stay in bed and not have Blitzie waking me up or having to get up to let them out. The cats did stay on the bed with me though. I feel better today about my decision to give the dogs up. And I'm grateful for Kitty and Lisa bringing them down to the Rescue for me. Riding with them for about an hour, knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to them, would have been torture. I'm glad I didn't have to go through that.

Still no word on services for Bonnie or Zach. It's nice to know that whenever the services are I'll have the freedom to go and say goodbye without worrying about what to do with the dogs.

It's interesting to know that I can feel two completely different feelings at the same time - missing the girls and knowing they don't fit in my life either.

David said he was wondering how the girls were doing at the Rescue. I think they are probably doing great being with so many other dogs and getting a lot of activity. They'll be up all day instead of sleeping all day. That will encourage them to sleep through the night.

I still look out the back door thinking they will be there waiting to come in. Part of me still wants them back but I know it's best for them and for me that things are the way they are.

Tomorrow I'm going to make phone calls about the cats and see if I can get them placed in a Rescue. I don't want to keep them much longer because of the allergy problem David has with them and because I just don't want pets right now. I've had to work on accepting that it's okay to not want to have pets, that it just doesn't work for me at this point. If I need to be around a dog, I can always go visit Kitty or Lisa and see Sammy or Woody.

I'm going to try using my CPAP tonight. I haven't been wearing it because the dogs would get me up during the night and I'd have to fuss with getting the stupid thing back on and by the time I did I was awake and had trouble going back to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better if I use it.

The cats are in bed already. LOL Some things don't change.

Eventually

I cried for about 2 hours last night. I cried my eyes out. I cried out for my girls. I needed to cry. Now, for the most part, the crying is over with. I was able to come into the house twice and not have the girls there and I did okay. When we took a nap the cats slept with us. Last night we all slept better, including the cats. I'm glad the cats are behaving. For as long as we have them, they need to not be a bother. It's snowing out today and I don't have any dogs tracking snow into the house and then jumping on my bed. That's a good thing. Of course, Huxley and Blitz being lazy dogs, they would probably be in bed most of the day. I hope they are doing okay down at the Rescue. I really do worry about them, not that they won't be taken care of, I know Kris is wonderful with the dogs but it's just a 'mom' worrying about her furry kids. David misses them too. I think he thought he wouldn't miss them, but he does. But honestly, I feel so much relief knowing that they will eventually have better homes. And now I can focus on getting my life back on track.

We still haven't heard anything about a service for Bonnie or Zach. Honestly, now, I'd rather not have to attend a service. I'm wanting to move on. I don't know if that's inconsiderate or not. Maybe it's just another part of the grief process. I think a person can only take so much sadness at one time before defense mechanisms start working.

Anyway, I hope that Huxley and Blitz will be okay. Eventually I'll be okay without them.

Alone

David has to work hockey tonight and I don't have any dogs to take care of. What will I do with all my time? I'm amazed at just how much time I spent focusing on the dogs and how much 'free' time I have today. Most of it is 'brain time'. I think about them a lot. I keep looking out the door thinking they are waiting to be let in. But there are no dogs there. They are at the Rescue, so far away from me. I want to cry but I don't even know what I'm crying about. I wanted them to go, so why am I so upset? Why do I want to go get them? I'm not a good dog owner. It's selfish for me to keep two dogs that need walks and activity when I'm not willing to give them what they need. I'm angry at Bonnie and Zach. If they hadn't died maybe I would have kept the dogs. I need to stop thinking this way. I am better off without them and they are better off at the Rescue waiting for more appropriate homes. I don't have the energy or time to take care of two large dogs in such a small house. But I miss them. I'm afraid they won't get a home together. I'm not sure how they would do without each other. They've never known anything but being together.

I was thinking earlier today about all the things that Huxley and Blitz would share with us: carrots, apples, bananas, PB&J sandwiches, cheeseburgers. Really just everything. If we ate it they wanted to try it. I of course didn't give them anything that would hurt them or make them sick. Blitz does have a sensitive stomach so I didn't share as much with her. But my Huxley was my treat girl. Whether it was dog treats or human treats, Huxley was up for it. I feel bad that I didn't video tape them more often. Especially when Huxley would back herself up to sit on the rug for a treat. I'd always say 'beep, beep, beep' like a vehicle backing up. I'm sad that I don't have a video of that. But I do have some videos that I will always enjoy. I think the last one I took was of Huxley wriggling around on the floor, then shaking her ears. It is so cute.

I always feel better when I post on the Dog Blog. It makes me feel closer to all of my dogs. David was actually already talking about another dog some day. I just can't even think of it. Yesterday, when we were on the road, I swear I was seeing dogs everywhere - being walked, in cars, in the back of trucks, just everywhere. I guess it will be like that for a while.

Anyway, I feel alone tonight without my girls.

Missing Huxley and Blitz

I miss everything about them. This morning I woke up without them in bed. I got a bowl of cereal and there was no Huxley there to give a cheerio to. I made a PB&J sandwich for David and for me and I was able to put his on the table without watching it. No dogs to get it. I don't have to put the trash up to keep them out of it. We went to the store for the newspaper and when we came home there was no one to greet me at the door. That's probably the hardest part of all of this. I think about them and wonder what they are doing down at the Rescue. Did they make it through the night okay? They're not used to sleeping out in a heated garage in a kennel. They are used to hogging my bed and stealing my covers. It's kind of cool out today. I wonder if they are outside all day. They probably really like being with other dogs. That should be fun for them. I want to think that they miss me. I'm sure they'd be happy to see me. But then again, they're happy to see anyone. Stupid dogs.

I know I will stop missing them so much. I know I will be able to sleep throughout the night without them one night. But for now I miss them and it's hard to sleep without them. The cats are enjoying the dogs being gone. Every time we lay down, they are there with us. I think they missed doing that. But they are going to go too. I can't play favorites.

Their paw prints out on the deck have melted away. I looked to see if even just one remained, but the imperceptible warmth of this cold day has melted them away. I have their pictures looping on my screen saver. It catches me off guard when Huxley's fuzzy face comes up on the screen.

But they are dogs. And I have family and friends to tend to now. I want to go down to the Rescue and take them home, but I know I'd just be in the same mess I've been in for over a year. They are dogs and they can't keep me from doing the right things.

I was thinking about Bonnie and Zach today. Their deaths. I was thinking about how difficult it has been to have the dogs gone for just a day, how much I cry. I don't know that I was near as upset about Bonnie's death or Zach's as I am about the dogs being gone. I know it's because the dogs were in my life every minute of the day and Bonnie and Zach weren't. I know I don't care more about dogs than people. But it's safer to miss the dogs. I don't want to think of what it would be like to miss a person this much. Feeling this kind of emptiness hurts.

I could talk about what I remember about the dogs all day long. But I need to get past this hurt. I can finally see some blue sky and the sun is peeking out. I guess everything will be okay.

Horrible night

Having the cats in the bedroom was almost worse than having dogs in there. They walked all over me and because of my fibromyalgia it really hurt. I should have locked them out of the bedroom last night. I'm going to try to do that tonight. One or both of them is always in my lap when I'm out in the living room. I feel more trapped than I did with the dogs. They really need to go and soon. I have a lot of the same issues with the cats that I did with the girls. I'm worried about them being up on the counters and knocking drink glasses over. Paulie is on my legs and Minnie is staring out the back door. It's like the dogs have never been here for the cats. I'd like to bring them down to the Humane Society today but David has hockey tonight and won't want to do it. I guess I could do it myself.

Every little thing that I do in my day reminds me of the dogs. I was always so aware of them. Anything I got to eat they had some of - like honey nut cheerios, apple ends, bananas and cheese. They loved getting a bite of everything. And when I woke up, I missed the girls right away. There are some positives though. It's cold out today and I don't have to open the back door for the girls to go out. I don't have to worry about Blitz messing up the bed.

I can't think about this anymore right now. I'm feeling sad.

Today it is the Life Blog

It all started in the summer of 2005 when we got Skooter. The good times and the bad times. In the winter of that year we moved up to our "mountain home" in Woodland Park. Not only did Skooter come with us but Dyrk and his family came too. It was ideal living with the kids and grandkids up there and Skooter just rounded it all out so nicely. We gave up Skooter once while we were up there. Sent him back to his breeder because I just couldn't handle him. He wasn't a bad dog, I was a bad owner. I thought that was the saddest day of my life when I didn't have Skooter. Turns out it wasn't.

By mid-summer we had lost our home to foreclosure and our financial security to bankruptcy. The kids had gone back to Wisconsin. We still had Skooter but it seemed so lonely without the rest of the family. So in the summer of 2006, just after Skooter turned a year old, we added Moped to our family. I know, this is all ancient history, but I need to talk about it today. It was a joy having the two of them. At least for a while. Then is was nothing but chaotic for me. They were high energy dogs and I was a low energy person. It just didn't work. Again, not bad dogs but a bad owner. Anyway, we kept that as long as we could. Then I contacted the GSP Rescue down in Penrose and asked if they could be surrendered to the Rescue. I couldn't believe I was giving up my boys. But I did. I knew it was better for them to find homes separately. Together they were a force to be reckoned with. And we just couldn't even think of giving up just one of them. The guilt probably would have never left me had we done that. So we took both Skooter and Moped down to the Rescue so they could find more appropriate homes. It literally took me months to spend just one day not crying about giving them up. It was the most horrible period in my life.

Then Kris called and talked us in to fostering two 7 year old female GSP's that needed a home. I didn't really want to do the dog thing again, but keeping them for just a short time would be okay. So on 4/15/2007 we had Huxley and Blitz come and live with us. For the next year I battled depression. I got a part time job but had to quit because of fatigue and pain and it was difficult leaving the girls for almost 5 hours a day. They were going crazy being left home alone. So from the day we got them until now, it's just been a back and forth about whether to keep them. I knew it wasn't the best thing for me and once we found out David had allergies, it kind of closed the door on keeping them. But we did keep them for a year and a half because the Rescue couldn't take them.

Tabby, our 15 year old cat, died in April 2008. She had to be put down because she had hyperthyroidism and was dying. I didn't want her to suffer so we did the humane thing.

And that brings us to today 11/28/2008. Well, actually 8 days ago. On November 20th my friend from DBT Group, Bonnie, killed herself. She was 43 years old. Learning about her death was horrible especially knowing the way her life ended. It reminded me of when my brother had committed suicide 22 years ago. It's always so senseless and leaves everyone behind dealing not only with grief but with so much guilt and so many questions. The day after Bonnie died, all of us from DBT Group went out to Jeanne's house to tell her the terrible news (she had missed Group Thursday night). We went out East where she lives and told her and cried with her and mourned with her.

I thought that coming home to the dogs and the cats would be a comfort but it turned out to be a burden. I had to worry about how long I was gone and when David would be home so the dogs wouldn't be left alone for too long. I wanted to think about Bonnie but I had to worry about the dogs. And when a person puts an end to their life it makes you wonder about your own life. I realized that I wasn't happy being a pet owner. My house was always a mess, full of pet hair, and the carpet was ruined. I couldn't have friends over anymore because of the way the house looked and smelled. And it just wasn't fair to the dogs. I never took them for walks and they only had a small yard to run around in. Even though they are lazy dogs and sleep a lot, they are GSP's and just have tons of energy. I didn't want my life in pause anymore because of the dogs and cats. But when I asked Kris about taking them (yet again) she said there was no room at the doggy inn. So we decided again to keep them.

One week to the day after Bonnie killed herself our nephew, Zach, who was only 23, died from an aggressive form of leukemia. He had only been diagnosed 2 weeks ago. We never went up to see him in the hospital because we couldn't leave the girls for that long. And we just couldn't afford to take them to a day care. So Zach died and we didn't get to say goodbye. I haven't been able to say goodbye to Bonnie either. She was buried out of state and I don't know when or if they will have a Memorial Service for her here in town.

You just don't understand the word 'closure' very well until you don't have it. So my friends intervened and helped me do what I could not do on my own, especially at a time of so much loss already - they took the girls down to the Rescue today. With all the family stuff that will going on up in Lakewood, we'd have to constantly be making arrangements for the dogs and honestly I'm just too tired and too devastated to worry about dogs and cats. So Kitty and Lisa came by this morning, picked up the girls and headed to the Rescue. David and I left town when the left. I had a couple pictures of them that I tucked into my bag. I didn't even have to look at the pictures. Their wonderful faces were clear in my mind. Lisa called while we were out and told me that they had surrendered Huxley and Blitz. My heart broke. Like with Skooter and Moped, I knew it was the best thing for everyone involved, but that didn't keep my heart from being torn apart.

And I felt guilty for crying more for my dogs than I did for Bonnie or Zach. Or maybe it was an accumulation of the last 3 1/2 years - the mountain home, the finances, Skooter, Moped, Bonnie, Zach and now the girls. Maybe I'm mourning all my losses today. Ronda has lost her son and I'm crying about dogs. All I can do is shake my head.

Lisa said that dogs should enhance your life not take it over. Well, that's what Huxley and Blitz did. They took over my life. I was nothing but a glorified pet sitter. Don't get me wrong. I love them both so much, but I haven't slept through the night since we've had them. I couldn't enjoy a snowy or rainy day because I knew they'd be tracking it all into the house. And forget about sleeping late - Blitz always woke me up in the morning even though she'd already been out during the night.

So, I haven't been happy for a long time. I wish the girls would have added to my life instead of taking away from it. I would have kept them. But when you're staring death in the face twice in 8 days, you really start to put things into perspective. They are dogs. Our family and friends are what really matter. And my happiness matters too. I don't want to be a doggy door man anymore. All I want to do is grieve over all the people, pets and things that I've lost since 2005. I want to cry and not have to get up to let the dogs out. I want to sleep and not be woken up by the dogs. I want to go and mourn my nephew and my friend without worrying about what I'm going to do with the dogs.

I think that both David and I knew that we never should have taken in dogs again after giving up Skooter and Moped. That loss was just too devastating. But we tried with Huxley and Blitz. I know I tried so hard. But I'm just too sad right now to deal with dogs and cats. I want my house back. I want to be able to have friends over to help me get through being sad. I want to have a life again. My calling isn't to open a Rescue; it's too live a happy life with David.

Bonnie killed herself. Zach up and died. And the girls went to the Rescue today. Not so much a good week. I don't feel like celebrating the holidays and birthdays we have in December (and there are a lot of them) but I know that's where my life is - with my family and friends. The pain of giving up Huxley and Blitz will diminish one day. I know that because the pain of giving up Skooter and Moped has diminished. It hasn't completely left and I don't expect that it ever will. But one day, hopefully not too far off in the future, I can be happy again.

Bonnie, Zach and Tabby are with God. Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz are where they belong for now too. One day we will all be together again. I know we will, because I can't believe anything less.

It snowed last night. The girls had gone out into the back yard and left their paw prints in the snow on the deck. I couldn't help but cry when I saw their paw prints melting away. So much has melted away this past week. Now it is time for tears again. And time to get back to my life.

Surrendering Huxley and Blitz

Kris called tonight and said that someone may be interested in adopting Huxley and Blitz. She sent the person photographs of Huxley and Blitz. She'll call me when she knows anything.

They loves them some bunnies

The girls aren't up on the GSP website yet. I sent Kris an email asking if we can help in locating and owner or foster care. Things are getting more stressful for me personally (totally unrelated to the dogs) and I'm wanting to find the girls a home. I need to take care of me right now and that means no pets. I'm not even sure I could explain why that is, but it just is. Knowing that the girls will be leaving, I'm becoming a bit detached from them. I still love them and give the attention and care for them but I'm not 100% vested in them right now. I was thinking that it will be difficult to get them homes since they can't walk on a leash without pulling. I guess I need to work on that further. They get so excited when they get to go for a walk that all they do is pull. If they see a bunny it's even worse. lol They loves them some bunnies.

I haven't done a very good job with the girls. I should have spent much more time training them instead of letting them run the house. It's the same thing I did with Skooter and Moped. I'm just not the type of person who should have a dog and especially not TWO dogs!

I guess I could start later this morning and take them out one at a time and work on leash training them. They really need to learn to walk on a leash. And there are some other things I need to work on with them too. I guess using treats on the walk would help. I need to get some smaller treats though. Maybe I'll get something at the pet store. I know what I want I just can't think of what they are called at the moment. It's on the tip of my tongue.

I really need to work on Blitzie whining for what she needs. The whining has to be ignored completely. David has a hard time doing that though. He has trouble being patient and waiting for a break in the whining to give her what she wants. That's my fault too. I didn't take the time to discipline them and now I'm paying for it.

They both are doing great at sit and lie down (go to bed, too). They perform well for treats so I need to use those more in training. Just walking them around the cul de sac at first would be enough (for them and for me lol). I'd love to be able to take them on my walks but I like my shoulder in it's socket, if you know what I mean. *grin*

Well, it's almost 3:30am so I need to go back to bed. We are having lunch (a double date) with Mike and Lisa at 2pm today at Chili's. I'm really looking forward to that.

The wait...

I checked the GSP website and there are over 30 dogs (including 12 puppies!) listed for adoption. There are 4 seniors alone. It won't be easy to find a home for Huxley and Blitz (especially not together). Knowing that I might have them for 2 more months is difficult. Not because I don't love them, but because I do. It'll be hard every day not knowing when they will get adopted. I feel sad. I'm also worried about them scratching David. They jump on him and scratch him all the time and it could have caused the cellulitis he has in his leg. It's cost us over $100 already for the care for the celluliis. I mean, it's not the dogs fault. They just may have scratched him and some bacteria got in the scratch. But he may be more prone to getting cellulitis now. I wish I could keep the dogs but there are lots of personal reasons why I can't. I will miss them terribly when they get adopted. It would be weird if one gets adopted and not the other. They've been together all their lives. I know that they can adjust but I'm not sure how they will do without each other. That causes me some worry.

Huxley is nesting in the blankets on the floor (laundry) and Blitzie is nesting on the bed. The sheets and covers are all messed up. LOL I have to make the bed every night before we can go to bed. David slept in the other room last night because the girls were taking up all the room on his side of the bed and he couldn't move them. I don't want him to have to sleep in the other room.

I never thought to ask Kris about Skooter and Moped. I'm sure they are doing great. I still miss them. I guess it will be that way with Huxley and Blitz too.