I miss them all

I woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking about Harley. I didn't have any interaction with him during the night because he was such a good boy and didn't get up then but I miss him being down the hallway. Logically I understand that I am better off without Harley and that Harley is better off without me but emotionally I still miss him and think about him often. I'm going to send Cindy an email to ask how he is doing. Everyone once in a while I think about paying Cindy $1,000 (don't ask where I come up with that amount, I don't know) to get a well-adjusted Harley back. It's just a fantasy but I do think about it anyway. Not that I really want him back. I'm happy with things the way they are now. But there is often no sanity when missing someone.

I'm also missing Huxley and Blitz. If I had known then what I know now, I would still have them. They really are great dogs. I love watching the videos I have of them playing. They really were good girls. But I had issues with them too - cleaning up the yard was a yucky job, Blitz would wake me up every night by whining, they got into the kitchen trash can, etc. They were always happy to see me when I got home though. I loved my German Shorthaired Pointers. I feel so melancholy when I think of them. In the moment it seemed like the right thing to do, giving them up, but in hindsight it was a mistake.At least I know that they are taken care of very well. I wonder sometimes if either of them passed away, would I be told. Probably not, since they are not my dogs anymore. I wish that walking them and cleaning up after them wasn't such a chore to me. But that's why I gave them up - because they were more work than I wanted to do. it doesn't stop me from missing them though.


David was talking about Skooter and Moped last night, how he still misses them. I agreed. I still miss them too. I think back and realize what a great dog Skooter was. If I had only worked harder with Moped or given up just Moped and kept Skooter. I know that Skooter is a great dog. I'm sure his new family treasures him.

Sometimes I wonder if what I do with the dogs (always ending up giving them away) is some kind of commitment issue. I love them all dearly but I can't seem to make the 100% commitment that is needed when owning a dog. Why do I feel compelled to get dog after dog knowing that I'll just end up giving it away? I think sometimes that it is a sickness I have. I keep doing the exact same thing over and over again expecting a different result each time. I would have to know going into owning another dog that cleaning up the yard and walking the dog wouldn't be an issue. That both things would get done every day without it being a hassle. That's not the way it has worked out though. Five dogs in five years. Not a good record.

I cried for weeks after Huxley Buxley and Bllitzy Witzy were given up by me. I cried for one day with Harley's departure. I guess maybe I'm getting used to giving up my dogs. That's sad. I know I'll have a dog again one day but not during this season of my life. I need time right now to be able to study and work on me with Marianne. The dogs will always play a role in my life but not interfere with me living my life the way I choose to. School probably would have been possible with Huxley and Blitz though. They were good girls. But that wouldn't have helped when it came time to have to clean the yard up or walk them. I'm just not the right person for a dog. At least not at this stage of my life. Maybe one day though I can get a dog that has already been trained and walks well on a leash. I know it's just a dream, but I'll keep on dreaming it.

I guess that I need to move on from all of this. It's so hard to though because they all were good dogs. They had their issues but they were wonderful companions. I just didn't put the time into them that they  needed. That's why I don't have any dogs right now, just memories. What I wouldn't give to have Huxley and Blitz sleeping in bed with me again. Oh well. What's done is done.