Difficult night

It hasn't been a good night. David and I haven't spoken a word for hours. I think we're both having a very difficult time with Harley being gone. Everything reminds of Harley. It seems like every commercial has a dog in it. There was even a dog doing a high five like we did with Harley. This is so hard.

Finally David said something. It wasn't about Harley though. It was about American Idol. I know he's hurting just as much as I am. It's probably hard for him to have to tell his friends that I got rid of yet another dog. They must think I'm mentally ill. Oh yeah, I am. LOL Seriously though, yesterday wasn't near as hard as today has been. Yesterday I felt more relief. But today there have just been too many reminders of Harley. Every time the dogs behind us are out I get teary eyed. When I come out of the bathroom I expect him to be there waiting for me. But he's not. I gave him up.

It doesn't feel like the right decision in this moment. I can't stop crying. I'm not sobbing just crying. I hate this part of giving up a dog. At some point it always feels like I did the wrong thing even though I know that I didn't.

David just went to bed. He told me he's having a hard time tonight. I knew he was. The house is just too quiet and too lonely. And the dogs out back are barking. I really can't believe that I did this to us again. I'm glad I have an appointment with Marianne tomorrow. I need to work through all this. I know it will be okay but it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Why have I done this so many times? Really, is there something wrong with me that I've done this 4 times with 5 dogs? I know I never intend to give them up. I know that I always think this will be the time it will work out but it never does. Life sucks without a dog. I wonder what Harley is doing tonight. Is he already in bed? Probably. Where is he sleeping? Is he okay? I know he doesn't feel like I do but I wonder if he misses me. I think I was closer to him and than any other dog I've ever had.

It's so hard at first because the only routine I've known involves Harley. There is lots of empty space in my day right now. And it hurts. The silence is overwhelming. I don't want a dog that bites me all the time but I really wish that Harley could have gotten over that with me. Would I have spent the money even if I had it? Probably. I hate giving up on them. I hate giving up on me. At some point I just don't feel capable any more. I wasn't doing everything with Harley that I could have. There was more that I could have done. But I also did put in an effort. Maybe not 100% but I was close. I loved him 100% though and I still do.

I know I'm rambling. I just need to do that tonight. I would rather have not ever posted in the Dog Blog again than have to post about giving up Harley. I hope that David will be able to forgive me for doing this. I hope I can forgive myself. At least I have things to do tomorrow (a walk with Kitty in the morning and an appointment with Marianne in the afternoon) so maybe it won't be as bad as it is right now. I know I'm going to be sad walking without Harley and I'll probably cry when I see Marianne so I guess I shouldn't expect tomorrow to be okay. But I have to keep moving on and moving through this grief. I'm crying for all my dogs tonight. Not just Harley.

Okay, I need to stop blogging so I can stop crying. I don't want to use up a whole box of tissues tonight. I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet, to face my bedroom without Harley in his kennel. I'll go in just a little while. The reality is just too hard to face right now.

I was going to post a picture but I don't have any with me and Harley. I have some video of him and me but no pictures. Why do I let that happen? I'm just be glad that I have a lot of pictures of him to comfort my broken heart.