Having a hard time

I'm having a real hard time tonight. I want to call or email Kris to find out how the dogs are doing, but what's the point. It's not like they are doing a whole lot down there. The biggest deal for them is going to PetCo. I'm sure there's no real news today. Next weekend will be different. Skooter will be going to his new home on Saturday. At least I can get updates on Skooter if I want, but after next weekend, who knows. It's so hard not knowing whether the new owners will get in touch with me or not. I can understand if they don't, wanting to start new with Skooter, but I hope they read my letter and watch the videos. I want them to know how much I love him, that I didn't give him up willingly. Does he miss me? I keep thinking of Julia's story and know I've done the right thing, but it doesn't stop me from missing them.

I'm still seeing dogs everywhere. I can't believe how many commercials and shows have dogs on them. Even CNN.com had a story about a three month old dog that was a stow away on a cargo ship for six days. He was okay, just dehydrated. I'm sure lots of people will want to adopt him. He is very cute.

I got an email today from someone selling Mini Aussie pups. I wasn't even tempted. I sent them a thanks, but no thanks email. All I think about are GSP's. I want to get two of them some day and name them Harley and Vespa. I want to have them only if we have a different home, one with a huge fenced yard. I feel bad thinking about other dogs when my current dogs aren't even in their new homes yet, but I need to know that I'll have GSP's again one day. If I thought I'd never have one again, I think I would go crazy.

I know there are other people out there who feel like I do, who love their dogs like they are their children, who would be devastated with their loss. Misery loves company.

Pheasant dummy

I'm still coming across things in the house that belong to Skooter and Moped. I thought I had brought everything they owned down to the Rescue, but I hadn't. Today it was something as simple as going in a closet to get a broom and finding Skooter's pheasant dummy (it's a canvas covered roll that is doused with pheasant scent; it's used to teach the dog's how to hunt pheasants and retrieve them). It catches me off guard each time I find something. The other day I found Skooter's 'Spoiled Rotten' rug that I put his bowls on. It just stops me dead in my tracks to come across this stuff. I remember being in Kansas City at a pet store and buying the rug just for Skooter. I was so thrilled to find it. I also bought a magnetic note pad that has GSP's on it. It's still hanging on the fridge. I think I will always find something around that reminds me of them. They were such ann integral part of my life. I still have Skooter's tie out up. I haven't been able to take it down yet. The back yard was theirs, so it's hard to go out into the back yard. I can see them running around chasing each other or sunning on the deck. Sometimes I really want to be able to move out of this house so I can start over without memories of them all around. One day we will move to a place where we can have GSP's again. I don't want any other kind of dog. I'm hooked on GSP's. It'll be a while before we move though, so no dogs until then. I wonder what I'll run across next...

Torturing myself

Why do I do this? I spent my morning creating a DVD of Skooter and Moped. It's a slide show of thier pictures with a George Winston soundtrack. It was very touching to watch it. I started crying at one point. Seeing their pictures so big, on the TV, was a bit overwhelming. So, why do I do this to myself? Because I can't let go. There's no update on them today so I'm feeling empty. In eight days Skooter will be with his new family. What will I do once the updates stop? I want to continue the Dog Blog for as long as I'm able to, but at some point the updates will stop.

I will always love them and miss them. But I can't keep a blog going on those feelings only. There's got to be something to talk about. I'm afraid that at some point there will be nothing to say. That makes me sad.

This is the reason

Julia's story is the reason that I felt so much better yesterday, after having such a difficult afternoon. It's amazing what, knowing that you are not alone, can do for your spirits. It was exact-a-lac-ally what I needed to hear. Knowing that it comes from another GSP owner makes it even more helpful. God truly does work in mysterious ways, connecting people who have an entire ocean between them. My heart is full today. I know I have done the right thing. I know that I am not alone in this. I know that I have friends who know what I'm going through. That will keep my spirits high today.

More from Julia

Another message from Julia that tugged on my heartstrings:

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Hi Nettie –

Yes, it is hard but as the hurt gets less you will always have the knowledge that you have done such a very courageous thing. Better that than years of recrimination as I had, knowing that I had been selfish and cowardly. I’m sure things would have been different if I had done as you have – we would most certainly have had other dogs and you still have that option open to you in time. Of course, I have many, many happy memories of all the dogs and it is those that I focus on nowadays when I think of them.

Instead we went on to have three boys who strangely mirrored the temperaments of the dogs – we often joke that they were somehow reincarnated in our children! Our first is fun-loving, wears his heart on his sleeve and has remained ‘a puppy’ for most of his life, just like Freya. Our second is placid, easy-going and affectionate, like Elsa and our third was born a screaming ball of fury, had daily tantrums for most of his early years, needed constant attention just like Max. Now, if there had been a Rescue home for boys, he would have gone like a shot!

No I don’t at all mind you adding my story to your Blog. Sending you a hug across the ocean to help you through today. Julia

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Julia is from England. I admire her for sharing her story with me.

This truly touched my heart

This is a message I received from a forum that I just started posting on again. It is quite touching and made me cry. With permission, I share it with you.

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Hi Nettie - You wont know me as I rarely post but I remember you well and it's nice to see you back!

I have been reading your Dog Blog and thought you might be interested in my story, which is similar to yours but with a different ending. Some years ago, we too had GSPs - two bitches, Freya and Elsa and a dog, Max. All were different in temperament but all were scatty as you know GSPs to be. Unfortunately, as he grew up, it became apparent that Max’s temperament was suspect – he was highly strung and aggressive towards other dogs and he became too much for us to handle. We had two opportunities to let him go to a more suitable home. Freya had a litter of 10 puppies – well that’s another story – and we had to find homes for three, two that we couldn’t sell and one that was returned to us as his owner couldn’t cope with him. GSP Rescue took the first two and the third went to the RAF to be trained as a sniffer dog – again another story. The RAF were keen to take Max as well and we agreed as we knew he would have a good and fulfilling life and his temperament would be channeled in the right way. However, on the day they came to collect the dogs, I couldn’t let him go. GSP Rescue also offered to find him another home but I felt I would be betraying him, which was so shortsighted with hindsight.

The upshot was that we went on to have many years of misery with Max, much as we loved him. We could never let him off the lead if other dogs were about. He would cry with frustration as the girls ran free. We couldn’t take the girls out on their own as he would howl the place down if he was left behind. He would whine and bark constantly in the house or in the car so going out with or without him was traumatic. We all suffered – us, Freya and Elsa, the neighbours and most of all Max. How many times I regretted not letting him go when we had the chance, not just for our sakes but for his.

I so admire you for your bravery in doing the right thing for your dogs. I know how hard it must have been but I will always regret being too selfish and shortsighted to do what you did. We have never had another dog since our three passed away, all within a few years of each other. Once you have owned a GSP, no other breed will do but we could not chance the possibility of getting another Max. I am thinking of you as your grieve for Skooter and Moped and I hope that things start to get easier for you soon. Keep strong in the knowledge that you have absolutely done the right thing.

Julia

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And this is my response to Julia's heartfelt message:

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Dear Julia,

Your PM means the world to me and has brought tears to my eyes. It is so comforting to know I am not alone in this. I am sorry about what happened with Max. As you know, I really do understand. It's so hard to do the right thing because it hurts so much. But I know, deep in my heart, that keeping the dogs, being selfish, would just turn out to be a disaster. As much as I ache for them, I remind myself what wonderful lives they will have in thier new homes and somehow I get through this. I really do appreciate hearing your story. It has made today a whole lot easier to deal with. I thank you for sharing it with me.

Would you be okay with me adding your story to my blog? I really feel that it should be part of what happened in my day today. It has really impacted me greatly. If you don't want your story shared I will understand and will refer to it only in generic terms.

Thank you for remembering me and for thinking of me now. I know it takes time to read the blog and I appreciate you taking the time to read it and appreciate even more the time you took to respond. I hope in some way you can be helped by my story, if by nothing other than knowing that you are not alone. I treasure you.

Nettie

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I can't even begin to convey the feelings of gratitude I feel for Julia sharing her story with me and now you, too. I am humbled.

Skooter's post on the GSP Rescue site

Soon Skooter's post on the GSP Rescue site will be deleted because he has been adopted. It has been nice to be able to look at it when I want/need to. I hope that the new owners appreciate the letter I wrote, giving them Skooter's history, and the CD's that I made of their puppy pictures and videos. I hope that they can see that I still love Skoots and that I gave him up because it is what is best for him (and Moped too). It's hard not to feel bad about the whole situation.

Well, I'm falling asleep so I better stop writing. :-)

I feel so much better

I can't explain fully right now what has happened but I have been impacted in a great way today and it has had a positive effect on me. I know I have done the right thing by bringing the dogs to the Rescue so that they can be in better homes. I love them enough to do what is best for them, no mattter how much it hurts me. I am not alone in this. That is comforting.

Dogs everywhere

It seems that now that I don't have the dogs anymore, I see dogs everywhere. I see them on the streets, in tv commercials and shows, in cars and in movies. It's like everyone has a dog but me. :-( I'm just always going to miss them and will feel bad if I ever get another dog. If I can't have them, I shouldn't have a dog at all. I think about how some day we might be able to get a house with a much bigger yard out east maybe. And I think about having GSP's. But I want MY GSP's back. I don't want other GSP's. I'm crying right now and I don't really even know why. I guess I just miss them. When I came home today from being out, I wanted them to be here. I know they aren't here, but I needed them to be here for me. Coming in that door and not having them here to be thrilled that I'm home, is very difficult. I don't know why I'm so upset right now. Maybe the reality of Skooter going to another family is setting in. I don't own him anymore, that family has already adopted him. I ache for him. It hurts that he's not here. David says that we can go and get Moped if I want, but it's Skooter that I'm missing. I couldn't get one and not the other anyway. And I don't think that Kris would let us have him back. We're not an appropriate family for them. I really miss having my dogs. :-(

I feel like I resent the cats because they are so happy and content without the dogs. I love my cats and they bring me great joy and they are getting me through this difficult time, but I also resent them. Having cats is okay but it's nothing like having a dog. They just don't need as much as a dog does. They are more independent and don't need me as much as Skooter and Moped did.

I've lost so much over the last year and a half and to have the loss continue with the adoption of the dogs is almost too much to bear. Losing them is the worst loss of all.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

-Groucho Marx

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

New names?

I wonder if the new owners will change the dog's names, especially Moped's. It's quite an unusual name, very quirky. Skooter has had his name long enough that he needs to keep it I believe. Moped, too. It would be wierd for me if they renamed my dogs.

I'm still holding out hope that the new owners will keep in touch with me and let me know how the dogs are doing once in a while and maybe even send a picture or two. I know that's realistically asking for a lot, but a girl can hope.

I had my own blog...

THE DOGS WHO HAVE SHARED OUR LIVES

The dogs who've shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know their spirit still survives.
Old habits still make us think we hear a barking at the door.
Or step back when we drop a tasty morsel on the floor.
Our feet still go around the place
the food dish used to be,
And, sometime, coming home at night,
we miss them terribly.
And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them...and, always will.

---Linda Barnes ---

A dog saying...

" ... work can wait another 30 minutes. There are more important things to do. Like throwing sticks." - anonymous

I Thought of You

I thought of you a million times today,
Thoughts of you won't stay away;
I think of you the way you used to be,
And wonder if you ever think of me.

I know you're now safer than when you were here,
But that doesn't make it easier to keep your memory near;
And someday I'll kiss your head again,
But for now I'll concentrate on letting good thoughts in.

I miss you more than you could know,
And wish you hadn't had to go;
'Cause you were what gave me my special radiance,
Without a word, you were my best friend.

- Renee Wood

A quote from Andy Rooney

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

Finally figured it out

I've been trying to figure out what sound it was that I've been missing since the dogs have left. And with the help of Chris' blog I figured it out. I miss the sound of their tags clinking on their collars. That was an everpresent sound that filled the house (and warned the cats!). I miss all of their sounds, but I miss the sound of the clinking tags the most. As Chris says in her blog, there is no balance without cat AND dog sounds in a house. Right now we are out of balance.

A poignant bumper sticker

An update from Kris (RM GSP Rescue)

Well, Skooter seems to have won the lottery in the family that has chosen him. It is a mom, dad and two boys, 16 and 11. They live in the suburbs of Denver and they have a large yard with a six foot fence. Skooter will also have supervised run of the house (he's still a bit mouthy). I think the dad works at home a few days a week and the mom works outside the home. So, on the days that both mom and dad are at work, Skooter will go to Doggy Day Care. The dad jogs once in a while and plans to work Skooter up to the distance he is running.

When they went to look at Moped and Skooter, they were right down there on the ground with them, playing with them. This family has just lost a dalmation that they had into it's teen years. The dalmation has an energy level like a pointer, so they should be able to care for Skooter's needs far better than I ever could. They will take their spring break vacation next week and when they return, landing in Colorado Springs, they will head down to Penrose to pick Skooter up and bring him to his new, wonderful home. I asked Kris to make sure that Skooter's tug-a-jug goes home with him and she said she would do that. This sounds like it will be a great home for Skooter. I am happy for him.

Kris also said that the family looked at Moped too but he is still too much puppy for them to handle. And he is! But there is a family up in the mountains that is looking for another GSP, a young one, to add to their family and Kris thinks Moped could be their boy. We'll have to wait for the snow to melt up in the mountains before the family can come down and take a look at Moped. I told Kris that I don't worry so much about Moped being at the Rescue because he is happy whereever he is and seems to enjoy his environment very much. It was Skooter I was concerned about because he is more sensitive than Moped and is more of a people person. So I'm glad that Skooter got a home first. Kris and I both agree that they will do fine being separated.

Kris told me that Skooter still loves basking in the sun and will sometimes be interruped by Moped jumping on him. He's not too thrilled when that happens. But Skooter has found a favorite spot in Kris' back yard and will sleep in the sun (until Moped bothers him!).

Kris said the dogs are doing well not pulling on the leash and they are well behaved. She said I did an awesome job laying the foundation for Skooter and Moped. That made me feel really good. Skooter went to PetCo on Sunday and was very sociable and went up to anyone who would give him a treat and would sit when asked to. Kris said that they are beautiful dogs, so white and clean. And when they get groomed at PetCo, they behave and let the groomers do their jobs.

So it was a great report from Kris and it makes me feel happy and proud to hear how my boys are doing. I am very pleased.