This post sums up how I feel

The Sounds of Silence - Life Without a Dog

I was watching a movie the other day and found myself caught up in the score – the music that pulls all the pieces of the film into a cohesive package for me. Having a musical background I guess it is understandable that I would engage with the universe through my auditory senses....I HEAR the world.

I always said I would have made the worst private detective – I could step over the evidence and never see it! But I seem to be able to hear sounds even if they are very soft or far away - the bird singing off in the distance, the clock ticking two floors down....and those magical voices that come at any hour of the day or night, giving me tidbits of stories that must be written down.

It is no wonder that one of the first things I told people after I lost my dog, Jake, was how quiet my home had become. I didn’t realize how many sounds a dog makes. The sound of his collar rattling when he would shake his head, the sound of him barreling through the dog door, the excited squeals when I said those magic words “Go for a ride?” – they are all gone now. The absence of the night time sounds is particularly hard on the heart – no more quiet breathing, no more loud snoring, and no more barks and dancing paws as he runs with his friends in the world of dreams.

But.....I am now able to hear the precious sounds my four cats make! Instead of a loud bark I hear soft whispers, meows, purrs and trills. From some far off place in the house I hear the squeaking of a cat toy being wrestled with....or a CAT being wrestled with! There’s the scraping in the litter boxes, the clawing on the scratching posts, and the silent but telepathically LOUD sound of a cat sitting in front of an empty food bowl, willing me from three rooms away to come fill it.

It is becoming clear that for me to have peace with the audible part of my life I must have both cat sounds AND dog sounds....for I am out of balance.

Chris
posted by Christine Davis at 2:30 PM

A comment from across the pond

I've just read you wonderful blog Nettie. My heart goes out to you but I think you made the right decision. Your lovely dogs will never forget you and to give them away to another loving home takes bravery. Your decision to let them go must have taken so much soul searching but you know in your heart it was the best thing for them. LADY LESLEY

And my response:

Thank you for those heartfelt words. You can't imagine how much it means to me for you to say that I've made the right decision. I do know in my heart that I have, but it doesn't stop me from loving them and missing them. Comments like yours do make it a bit easier though, so thank you. Nettie

--------------------------

It is comments like this that get me through this difficult time. It means the world to me to know that someone has read the Dog Blog and thinks I've done the right thing. It did take a lot of soul searching and making the best decision for the dogs wasn't easy. But I do know in my heart that it is the best thing I could have done for them.

Almost, but not quite

I didn't post at all yesterday. I was doing my best to NOT think about Skooter and Mooped. But I had to have something to fill the hole that is in my heart, something to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped's leaving. I couldn't just stop thinking about them, I had to find a distraction. And I found one.

I spent the entire day yesterday tracking down available puppies for sale. I talked to people in California and in Kansas City. I emailed with people in Ohio and Indiana. I was all over the place. I received telephone calls telling me about how wonderful the puppies were, and they were, and emails of pictures to prove what sweet darlings all of them are. I actually, in one day, had it narrowed down to tow puppies, the one in Kansas City (10 weeks old) and the one in California (four months old)

When lightning strikes me I move at a blazing speed. Nothing or no one will get in my way once I have an idea in my head. And if the idea is getting another dog, all the more effort I will put into it because I'm missing Skooter and Moped so much and don't want to deal with it. I hadn't really put any thought into what would happen once I got another dog, I just needed to convince myself that getting another dog would ease my pain.

But once I had 'settled' on a pup, I was plagued by second thoughts. Was it right to get another dog when I just gave two perfectly good dogs up for adoption? Would I end up surrendering this dog too because I'd make a poor and hasty decision? Was getting a TFT a good idea to begin with? Toy breeds are more fragile than regular breeds. Could I deal with having a fragile dog? Did I really want to subject myself to the kind of stress I felt when I had Skooter and Moped (and I dearly love them!)? Were we picking the right breed and dog for us? So many damn quesions. But they had to be answered and answered quickly. If I was going to make a decision, and that was the path I had put myself on, I needed to make it quickly.

I decided against the TFT. There were too many issues that I could forsee with a toy breed. The puppies being offered were wonderful and cute as buttons, but that didn't change the fact that they were a toy breed and there are inherient issues with getting a toy breed (they are fragile, they have to be watched carefully, they have to be watched closely when around other, bigger dogs, and a hawk or an owl could literally swoop down and pick them up as a meal! These were just a few of the things that I considered. In the end, as cute as the dogs are and as wonderful as they appear, I had to decide against a TFT. It just didn't feel right. There was something getting in the way.

So next I turned my attention to chocolate lab puppies. I got the newspaper out and had David look up all the chocolate lab ads. It was 9:30 at night so I couldn't make any phone calls to check out puppies. And thank goodness it was late and I couldn't call. Had I called, I may have decided on a puppy on the spur of the moment, forgetting that I need to get any puppy we're thinking of temperament tested.

That's when some realizations hit me. How would I feel bringing another dog into the family so soon after surrendering Skooter and Moped? What would people think, and rightly so, about me getting another puppy go quickly? Was I setting myself up for another loss? Did I really want a puppy or just something to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped? Wasn't I being rather hasty about such a huge decision? Wasn't I going back on what I had said I would do if I got another dog (temperament testing)? Why was I moving so fast on all of this? Why couldn't I breathe and what was causing my massive headache?

I had looked at the TFT and I had looked at the lab puppies. They were equally attractive. But something just didn't feel right. I realized I was making a decision based on desperation. Not a good way to feel when making an important decision. And not a good reason to get a puppy. So, I talked it out with David's help and realized that what I was doing was trying to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped. I was also trying to keep the chaos in my life going. It's been a rough year and a half and it has been very chaotic. I was just trying to keep the drama going. I was just trying to distract myself. I didn't really want another dog, I just didn't want to feel how much I miss Skooter and Moped.

So, with David's help, I was able to come to the conclusion that getting a dog right now is not a good idea. David didn't convince me, he just let me talk it out and figure it out for myself. I had too many second thoughts about getting another puppy. I was filled more with dread than with excitement. And the most important thing: It would not keep me from missing and loving Skooter and Moped. I was not making a rational decision. I was making a hasty decision based on fear. Fear of feeling my feelings about Skooter and Moped. Fear of feeling the loss that I feel about Skooter and Moped. It didn't take too long to figure out that I would have made another terrible mistake.

As hard as it was, I had to tell myself that getting a puppy right now to fill the void left by Skooter and Moped was not a good idea at all. I would have been getting a puppy for all the wrong reasons, selfish reasons. So I made the difficult decision to not get another puppy. I emailed the ladies I had talked to in Californai and Kansas City and told them that we weren't ready for another puppy at this poiint. I almost instantly felt relief. I knew I had made the right decision. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be adding another member to the family, but I knew that trying to replace Skooter and Moped was silly. Just plain silly.

It was late and I couldn't call either lady, so I sent emails to let them know what we had decided. I needed to bring closure to this battle with desperation. And clicking on the 'send' button did just that, brought closure. Closure to making a bad decision not about missing Skooter and Moped. That was still there underneath the frenzy I had created. I am still missing them and grieving over their loss.

After hitting that 'send' button I felt less chaos and less panic. I was doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with missing Skooter and Moped. I am entitiled to my feelings about the loss. And I need to feel the loss and deal with the effects. I need to work my way through this, not around it. Getting another puppy was my attempt at getting around having to miss Skooter and Moped.

I am smack dab in the middle of the grief process and i don't need any distractions. I need to feel all the different feelings associated with grief so that I can properly move on in my life. But I'm not quite ready to move on without Skooter and Moped just yet. They are still on my mind daily. It's only been three and a half weeks. What's my rush?

So, no new puppy. Almost, but not quite. No avoiding the grief I feel over having to give up my dogs to allow them to have a better life. No distractions. I am going to deal head on with the issues that I am wrangling with. Did I do the right thing by letting Skooter and Moped go? Will there new homes be loving and caring? Will they be happy? Those are some very heavy questions to have to deal with. But I'm ready to do it and okay with doing it.

In conclusion, getting another dog would just be a mistake. Feelng the loss and sadness about Skooter and Moped is okay. It is appropriate. And I need to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with missing my boys.

(It's 4:30 in the morning, so who knows what I've just written. I hope it makes sense and doesn't have too many typos, but I'm too tired to check the whole thing! It is what it is: a middle of the night rant.)

I think I'm in shock!

I just wasn't expecting Skooter to get adopted today! He won't go to his new home for two weeks and that is helpful to me. It'll give me time to get used to the fact that he has a new family. I'm not crying. I'm thrilled for Skooter and I'm grateful to Kris for finding him a home so quickly. His family must be really nice. They are taking a family vacation in the islands for two weeks. They'll pick up Skooter on March 31, 2007.

I hope that Moped will get a home soon. I hope he's not too wild to get a new family. Skooter can at least settle down. Moped never settles down until he absolutely has to. He's a bundle of energy. The nice thing though is that even if Moped is not adopted right away, he has a great home living with Kris at the Rescue. I know he loves it there. He'll miss having so many dogs around. It's been like Doggy Day Care for him every day! :-)

I wonder if Skooter went to the Cherry Creek family? I wonder what they thought of him? I wonder what they'll think of my letter and the CD's (pictures and videos)? I hope they can see how much I love Skooter and that I wish him well with his new family.

March 18, 2007

Skooter - Adopted!

- RM GSP Rescue web site

Skooter got adopted today! (from Kris @ GSP Rescue)

Skooter got adopted today! Though he doesn't leave for another two weeks, as his new family is taking a vacation in the islands over spring break - so, Skooter will be in his new home March 31! I'll call you and give you more details on his new family - I'll probably call tomorrow sometime.

Kris

Letting go

I feel that a part of me has let go of the dogs today. I'm not sure why I feel this way. I just do. I feel calmer about them. I think spending so much of my day yesterday on 'waiting' showed me that I need to let go. I'm not doing anybody any good by hanging on to dogs that I don't even own anymore. And that's the truth that I need to latch onto: I DO NOT own Skooter and Moped anymore. I surrendered them to the Rescue. I still love them and miss them, but they are no longer my dogs. They belong to Kris right now. And then one day the will have new owners. They will move on with their lives. And I should do the same. I'm not saying that I'm never going to cry about them again. I'm sure I will. But I need to stop hanging on. I will continue the Dog Blog because there is still a lot to say about them. But I need to stop checking out the GSP site so many times every day. I really need to let go, for my sanity. Whatever happens now will happen without me interfering. I'm not going to email Kris. I'm not going to hope that the new owners will contact me. I am going to let them go. It is a decision that I have made. My mind is ready to let go of them. My heart is still hanging on. The loss is fresh, so I can't expect to just forget all about them already. I need to give myself as much time as I need to grieve over the loss. And no matter what anyone says, this is a huge loss. My day to day life with them has ended. I feel empty knowing that. There is a void in me that nothing else will ever fill. They cannot be replaced.

I look at other dogs and think of how great it would be to have another dog, but I'm afraid to think of getting another dog. Will I be able to hold on to it? Will I have to give it up because I've made another bad choice? These are things I need to think about. Getting another dog is no easy decision.

I hope Skooter and Moped are enjoying the day today. It's seventy degrees out. They must be loving this weather. I want the best for them, I really do.

Maybe a new picture for Skooter

I sent in some pictures to Kris to see if she'd change Skooter's photo on the GSP Rescue site. David thinks that the picture on there makes Skooter look sad. I agree. I sent the picture in the post below this one and three others. Maybe she'll change it, maybe she won't.

Samantha's Prince of the Prairie

What a beautiful German Shorthaired Pointer Skooter is!

Middle of the night thougts

It's the middle of the night and again I'm up. No dogs, but I'm up. :-) My body can't seem to get used to them being gone. The thought is in here 'what was I thinking giving up my dogs, my beautifull dogs, my sweet dogs?'. What on earth makes me think that I'll ever be able to 'replace' them with another dog? Even though the circumstances weren't perfect, they were perfect. I could have spent more time with them, training them, exercising their bodies and their minds. But instead I gave in and gave up. I eliminated them from my daily life. Or so I thought. The kicker is that they still are in my daily life. They are in my thoughts constantly. I'm still working my life around them right now. I'm hooked to this computer waiting to see the words 'adoption pending' or 'adopted' next to their names. We're the homes not good enough for them? Did the families reject my dogs? All the stupid things that I think in the middle of the night. I assumed that my dogs would be aopted quickly because they are so beautiful and sweet, but I need to remember that have their issues too. I'm sure Moped still has more energy than he can expend or control. He needs constant stimulation, both mentally and physically. Skooter is a bit more low key. He at least can take a good nap now and again and enjoy laying in the sun. That's probably the only time Moped settles down is when he is laying in the sun. It's such a peaceful sight to see them lying there, warm and content. But then content turns into chaos. They run around the house, Skooter jumps the fence, Moped grabs everything he can get his mouth on, and the calm is over, the storm has begun. At least down at the Rescue they are expending way more energy and are able to come in the house and try to be good. I'm sure Skooter is at the point where he can come in the house and within a short amount of time be laying down. Moped on the other hand, I think, is still a wild man in the house. Maybe he's calming down a little. Maybe the family came and looked at him and didn't want him. Maybe the home visit didn't work on well on Friday. Maybe the home visit for Skooter never took place or was rescheduled and the family for Moped wasn't able to make it yesterday. There's no telling what has happened. I can't expect Kris, with her incredibly busy schedule, to stop every day and give me updates on dogs that I've surrendered. I may have surrendered them physically, but I have not surrendered them in my heart. :-( Nonetheless, I need them to get adopted so I don't feel like a failure with them, you know, I did such a bad job with them that no one wants them. I have such incredibly mixed emotions. I want them to get adopted but when they do I will be devastated and sad. I need to let go but I hang on ever tighter. I'm too much in the middle of this. I need to stop checking the Rescue site every hour and I need to stop checking the Dog Blog too. i need to take some time and deal with MY life! I'm going to try today to stay away from the computer or at least not look up stuff on the dogs. I need to give it a rest. I need rest. My dogs are okay wher ethey are. And they will be happy whenever they find and adkjust to a new home.

So, those are my thoughts in the middle of the night. Pretty scary, huh?

(not checked for typig, speling, and it ain't checked for grammer neithere!)

Nothing yet

No word from Kris today. Maybe nothing has happened with the dogs yet.

I can't stop thinking about whether dogs can remember their former owners or not. Have they already forgotten me? Would they be happy to see me? What about a year from now? I need to stop thinking about this stuff. I'm going to drive myself crazy(er)!

Waiting

I'm spending the day waiting to see if Moped gets adopted. One of the other dogs was adopted today (his name is Gus). Congratulations to Kris for getting him a home. And an adoption is pending on Sage. I hope that works out. I sent Kris an email the other day and asked if she would take some pictures of the dogs before they left the Rescue. Maybe she hasn't checked her email yet or maybe she's waiting to answere once she knows what's going on with Moped. I don't know. I can't stop wondering what's going on. Maybe nothing is going on and I should just relax! So I sit here, waiting.

Moped

Today a family will go down to Penrose, to the GSP Rescue, and see if Moped is a good match for their family. Kris will interview them and see if they would be an appropriate family for Moped. I think there's a chance that he could go home with them today. I might lose him forever today. If he goes today, I hope Kris sends all of his stuff with him, his kennel, his toys, his picture CD's and the letter to the new owners. I feel kind of numb right now, not knowing what to expect today. I'll be thrilled for Moped if he gets a new family, especially this family, but I'll be sad for me. We'll see what happens today.

Say cheese!

I found this picture of Skooter smiling. I was extremely happy to find it. :-)

Skooter and Aspen

Bluer than blue

Should I just let go of Skooter and Moped? Would it be better and easier if I just let go right now? How do I let go of something I love so much? Which is worse: the stress they caused when they were here or the sadness of them not being here? All I know is that I am sad.

"Bluer than Blue"

After you go
I can catch up on my reading
After you go
I'll have a lot more time for sleeping
And when you're gone
Looks like things are gonna be a lot easier
Life will be a breeze you know
I really should be glad
But I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue
Bluer than blue...

These lyrics really express how I feel right now. Some people might think it's silly to feel so strongly about dogs, just dogs, but to me they are more than dogs. They were my companions. I spent more time with them than I did with anyone else. Their sounds filled up my home. Now my home seems so empty, so quiet. I will get used to the quiet and I will eventually enjoy the new found freedom I have, but for right now I am content with being sad. It seems appropriate. And even if it's not appropriate, it's how I feel.
- Michael Johson

There are so many things...

that I want to tell Skooter and Moped's new owners. Stuff I forgot to put in the letter. I'm trying to put all of it down in the Dog Blog so I can refer them to it. I don't know if they'll want a lot of history. They may want to start fresh with the dog. If nothing else Kris should hear from them once a year and I could ask her to forward that on to me. There are so many things I wish I had done with Skooter and Moped and regret not doing. I should have taken more pictures and videos. I definitely should have had pictures and videos of me and the dogs! I should have spent more time saying goodbye to them. I should have brought the camera to get some last pictures. David wishes he could have hunted pheasants with them. I would have liked to do that too. So many things...

We've talked more about getting another dog and we keep leaning toward the TFT. But I just can't get a dog right now. I'm still too emotional about re-homing Skooter and Moped. It will be nice to have a dog again, but just not right now.

If I had known that that Saturday would be the last night we had with them, I would have let them sleep in the bedroom with us. I would have fed them canned food for dinner. I would have taken time to go through all their stuff to sort it between dogs instead of just dumping it all in bags. So many things...

If I had known how quiet the house was going to be I would have recorded them so I could play it back when I needed to hear them. If I had known that having all this free time would suck, I would have done something different. If I had known that giving them up would have been so hard, I might have decided to be selfish and keep them. But I love them too much to be selfish. I love them enough to let them get better homes. I hope that their new owners will know, if nothing else, how much I love them still and that I did not WANT to give them up, I had to give them up. The yard was too small. We didn't have the respect from them that we needed. We couldn't offer them the amount of exercise they needed to not be bored. So many things...

But I will think of the things that make me smile like Skooter being Mr. Wiggles and Moped dancing with Skooter. I'll think about them both and their crooked smiles. I'll remember napping with Skooter and sitting on the floor with Moped after he was fixed. It was the most calm he ever was. It was a beautiful time. I'll see Skooter jumping over the fence like it was an agility competition. He flew so gracefully. I will remember Skooter hogging the bed when he slept with us by sleeping with all four of his legs sticking straight out! I'll think of Skooter sleeping against David's chest. So many things...

Skooter and his blankie

Skooter loves to lay down on a soft blanket on the couch or on the floor to take his nap. His kennel blanket isn't soft enough for nap time. He'll need a softer blanket for that.

Going for a ride

Skooter loves to ride in the car and he's really relaxed about it. He usually sits or lies down and most ofen he will fall asleep. He hasn't spent much time at the window poking his head out into the wind. But Moped, he LOVES the wind in his face. I'm sure he's improving his riding skills and is doing better in the car. Skooter is no problem. He loves to go for rides. Sometimes Skooter is timid when jumping up in the vehicle. It's not that he can't make the jump (proved by his ability to jump over the fence!) he just gets excited. Moped doesn't seem to know he can jump up into the vehicle. Maybe by now, they both are better at that since they are going out occaisionally to the PetCo 'to shop' :-) I hope thier new families will take them with them wherever they go. I think they would both do okay waiting in the car. It would be more fun that being in a kennel. So much more to watch and sniff.

The new puppy

I already have the new puppy's name picked out: Harley (you know, Skooter, Moped, Harley - as in Davidson, get it? Got it. Good.) And the AKC name would be 'Samantha's Prince of the Peak'. Right now I think I will wait on a dog from Barb up in Denver. It may be six months but I can use that time to get used to not having Skooter and Moped around and enjoy my new found freedom for a while. That's the plan anyway. Who knows, it could all change if I see a puppy sooner that appeals to me. I just don't want to take the chance with shipping the dog. I'd rather be able to go up to Denver to pick up our puppy personally. I'd like to have a picture of him at birth and every week thereafter until we take him home with us. I'm sure Barb would do that. I don't know how soon after the birth we'd be able to pick out our puppy. I wonder what is the best age to do that? They need to develop some I would think, but we may have to pick him out at birth! I'm sure they'll all get spoken for quickly. I've included a picture of a TFT so you can see what it is that I'm talking about.